A new and unexpected visitor has arrived in Ponyville from a different land bringing new life and new creations to the ponies. He is welcomed there, but something follows him lurking from his dark past.
Chapters (8)
dragovin08
Joined 18th Aug, 2012 ·
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If anyone wants to know this is my first fanfic I have ever written. So I would love some feedback and hit me with as much criticism as you want cause though this is my first fic it's no excuse to be hit by some hard critics... for me that is.
1308140
I've got some time for feedback. Time to read!
And just as I said that, phone call from work.
ARGH.
hey, I'll give you some stuff later. Promise!
1325133 thanks let me know if it's at least an okay story
Well. Let's see how this goes!
Pre-reading opinions:
Dat title. Seriously? PLEASE use correct grammar in a story's title, even if you don't use it ANYWHERE else. I mean, at least FELIXDAWN of all people uses grammar correctly in his titles (with one glaring exception). Oh. Did I just compliment FelixDawn? *universe explodes*
Seriously, though. Either use a semicolon ";", put a conjunction in there, or revise it. (A New Life; An Old Demon // A New Life, and an Old Demon // A New Life and an Old Demon // etc.)
Now that that little business is dealt with, let's move on to the description. Again. Grammar. Freaking GRAMMAR, my good sir! In my opinion, two of THE MOST IMPORTANT things for an author to do are to use correct grammar/mechanics/[insert further superfluous nouns here], and to utilize subtle methods of advancing the plot of a story [allusions (WELL-RESEARCHED, i.e. Michael Crichton's The Andromeda Strain), wordplay, Chekhov's Gun's, etc.], among many others. Don't get me wrong--for a first fanfiction, the grammar is acceptable, but I CANNOT STRESS IT ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shouts until death from oxygen deprivation*
Let's take a look at your current description.
Errors are highlighted above in red, and reasoning is given in brackets "[ ]" directly following said error. Overall, not bad, but there are definitely improvements to be made (as with anything).
Try this (changes are made in purple):
See? Doesn't that look (and sound) much better? Basically, what I did was just to correct the grammar errors (spell check is your FRIEND), increase sentence complexity (by adding dependent clauses), and use awesome characters (ELLIPSES "..." AWW YEAH! They're LITERALLY like, my favorite special character... besides some other ones, like the section sign, et al., but I deviate...).
Now, on to the actual piece!
GRAMMAR. Seriously. Grammar. Get an editor, or at the very least, check on grammar websites/in textbooks for the basic rules. You really don't need much more than the basics, because most READERS won't care beyond the basics [N.B.: not insulting readers' intelligence, just generalizing (although one could dispute the differences between the two under several different webs of argumentation... but I digress once more)], so don't use all those fancy-schmancy ellipses, no matter how awesome they look (unless you know what you're doing, which isn't hard to learn).
Y'know, I'm just gonna ignore the grammar errors for now, and focus on the meat of your story.
First off, who IS your protagonist? I mean, for SOME stories, it works fine to leave the protagonist's identity in limbo for a chapter or two, but you shouldn't tell us so little about him/her, especially if it's either a crossover/insert fic. From the cover art and your profile pic (I'm using the trend that most authors have profile pics that relate to their first fic somehow), I can infer that your character is a Chlamydosaurus kingii, or frill-necked lizard, but you tell us next to nothing about him after that.
I mean, the name of where he lives is nice, but unless you're doing some sort of amnesia-driven fic, you kinda need to give an OC backstory.
Secondly, the physics of his fall/glider drifting away are all screwed up. If he's in a LATERAL tumble (pitch goes haywire), then the glider will stall, he'll black out rather quickly (and his eyes will explode outwards from the "negative g's"), and it has an EXTREMELY low likelihood of gliding off all the way through the Everfree to Zecora's.
If he's merely rolling, however (yaw is messed up), then the glider wing's poor curvature on the other end (plus the struts, etc.) will cause him to slow down gradually, and he has a very good chance of NOT crashing, provided he knows what he's doing. Therefore, I have to assume that he either doesn't know what he's doing with his glider, or some random magical event occurs. See where I'm going with this line of thought? Patch up the realism, or attribute it to magic (realism tends to work better, though).
Thirdly, the magic. Twilight Sparkle is FREAKING OP. Remember S1E23? She turned ponies into POTTED PLANTS (I demand a SHRUBBERY!), hatched a dragon egg, and it took CELESTIA to stop her. I mean, she probably would've been able to just brute-force that glider through trees, or a mountain, even. You COULD put something in to remedy that (i.e. she doesn't want to break anything/there's a strange, glowing rock near her that sucks up magic powers, OR imo the best one: right when she's lifting it, Aeon crashes through the branches. <-- also helps keep the physics on track), but right now it just doesn't pay homage to the magical-ness skills of Twilight.
Now, onto the less-major stuffs.
Namely, the fact that the [TAB] key, the [ENTER] key, and dialogue tags seem to have escaped your memory.
WHENEVER anything speaks (if it's a new character), skip a line. You do this pretty well. THEN, after you close the quotes """ (<-- mwahaha), you DO NOT start the dialogue tag with a capital letter. The entire dialogue, plus the dialogue tag, is ONE SENTENCE. And, unless you're emphasizing that there are only two speakers/emphasizing the dialogue itself over the tag, you need to use a tag. You don't do that at the beginning very well.
And, GRAMMAR GRAMMAR SPELLING GRAMMAR etc.
Finally, "Aeon."
Plz 2 explainz teh namez? Seriously, though, if you just give a character a cool-sounding name without explaining anything else about them, it just makes it seem like a self-insert or that you didn't spend much time planning said character out.
Give "Aeon" some backstory, or something, 'cuz right now, all I can see is gratuitous cool names (which are fun, but actually detract from the story unless they're used for comedic value or to explain something in esoteric ways)
Overall impression:
Aside from the glaring grammar mistakes, the gratuitous physics-defying, and the gaping plot holes standard in ANY first fic (well, in most first CHAPTERS, too on that last one), it wasn't bad. I didn't vomit, and it was more enjoying than perusing textbooks (although that CAN be fun)
Eh. 2.25/5 for now. (i.e. not bad)
~InfinityXanadu
1469470 thanks for the feedback I'll make the changes ASAP. It's just it's my first attempt at a fic so I'm always up for ways to get better. Plus I actually haven't watched the show all that much cause lately I haven't had the time to, so I don't really know the full gist of the characters and what they can do.
Sorry that I took off chapter 1 I'm making some changes and it will be back up as soon as possible