A New Life; An Old Demon

by dragovin08

chapter 1

It was a cool and breezy morning and Rainbow Dash was practicing her stunts, zooming and swooping in the sky and through the clouds. Of course, this was normal routine for Dash and every pony in Equestria lived out their days in routine. Yet something's can never be expected in Equestria since the land was so peaceful being isolated from foreign lands.

Yet just docking itself on the shore was a small boat and on it was a large lizard, he could not us magic or blow fire for he was no dragon but he did not care. He was a bit larger than the stallions on four legs, with fire orange scales, lime green eyes and large black stripe that ran down his back. Over his shoulder he carried a tan satchel of what he needed. The frill on his face raised up in curiosity.

"What is this land?" The lizard said," I must find out."

He quickly raced forward and jumped into the trees; swooping and swinging like an ape. a small cliff was just short distance from him and he swung on a branch up into the air. Even though he didn't notice his satchel was caught in a branch and fell off of his shoulder into the trees. He landed on it looking down at Ponyville.

A nice place, He thought, But still what is this place?

Glancing around looking everywhere, he saw Rainbow Dash just a yell's distance away.

"Hey you over there!" He yelled to Rainbow Dash stopping her in her tracks.

"Who said that?" She said looking around.

"I'm over here!" His voice made Rainbow Dash turn her head in his direction," Do you know what this place is?!"

She looked at him in confusion then flew toward him so he wouldn't have to yell," Don't you know this place?"

"Of course not, if I did I wouldn't be asking you."

"You don't look like you're from around here."

"Well I'm not I just got here on a boat after sailing for six days."

"Cool! Where are you from?"

"I'll tell you but first I need my question answered."

"Oh, well you're in Ponyville."

"Ponyville?"

"Yep."

"Okay then... I'll tell you where I come from, I'm from a very far away land hidden in a thick fog."

"That's awesome, I would like to see it."

"I'd rather you not."

"Why?"

"Bad things have happened," He said with despair running through his voice," Oh!... but where are my manners my name is Aeon."

"I'm Rainbow Dash."

"Well then Rainbow Da..." He stopped after realizing his satchel was gone," No, you've got to be kidding me."

"What?"

"It's gone my bag is gone," Concerning himself," I'm sorry Rainbow Dash but this conversion is going to be cut a little short."

"It's alright."

"Well then back to the trees," Aeon began climbing down the cliff back in to the forest and Rainbow Dash went back to doing what she did.

In the woods Twilight and Spike were walking back from looking for materials for a potion. Spike noticed Aeon's satchel hanging in a tree.

"Hey Twilight," He said trying to get her attention.

"What is it Spike," She said acting like she was in a hurry.

"It looks like there is some one's bag hanging in that tree."

She turned around and looked at the tree," I guess there is."

"Maybe some pony lost it, we should return it."

"We should but to who?"

Twilight's horn began to glow and her magic surrounded the satchel, it began to move out of the branch into the air. Just before it could even reach her Aeon landed right in front of her raising his claws into the air and his frill opening up out of instinct, he let out a loud and screeching roar at her making her jump back.

He turned and saw his bag floating, he reached over and grabbed it.

"Is that yours?" Twilight asked.

"Yes." He opened it looking inside to see if nothing was taken.

"We weren't going to take it, we were going to return it to its owner," Spike said trying to support Twilight.

"You were? It would have taken me weeks to find it if you took it, I'm a horrible tracker."

"Are you a dragon?" Twilight asked.

"No."

"Then what are you? Because you look like you're not from around here."

"I'm a zenthain."

"Zenthain?"

"Yeah, I come from a place called Lacerta, the land covered by a wall of fog."

"I've never heard of such a land."

"Well just like I said it's covered by a wall of fog so travelers wouldn't come to the land."

"Interesting, it sounds like some kind of magic."

"Magic? No, where I come from magic is forbidden, a forgotten art, the fog has always been there."

"Really? You can't use magic where you come from?"

"No and those who do would be punished beyond belief."

"Then you must be really intelligent."

"Ehhhh... Some what I'm not that smart."

"What is your home like?"

"Let's just say it's much different than yours."

"Oh! I never asked for your name."

"My name is Aeon and yours is?"

"I'm Twilight Sparkle."

"And I'm Spike."

"Well nice to meet both of you," Aeon said throwing his satchel on to his shoulder.

"Do you know where you're going?" Twilight asked him.

"No, I don't because I just arrived here by boat."

"Why don't you come with us then," Spike was saying eagerly.

"I guess I could come along, it wouldn't hurt."

Aeon followed behind Twilight and Spike towards where Ponyville was, yet Aeon felt a bit uneasy about being here. It didn't take very long for them to arrive at her tree house.

"Well here we are."Twilight and Spike went inside but Aeon stood outside not knowing whether to go inside or not. Twilight turned around and generously said," You can come in if you want."

Aeon walked inside and set his satchel down by the door and closed it behind him. He felt like a fish out of water inside her house but he was glad that she was generous enough to let him in. Continuously Aeon looked around at all the books, Twilight had went upstairs and Spike was in the kitchen. He walked over and leaned onto a wall to sit down.

He slowly went down until he sat on the floor, setting his head on the wall behind he felt comfortable to maybe get some rest. His eyes were heavy from his lack of sleep over the past few days of traveling, so he decided to rest just for a bit but fell into a deep sleep.

Aeon began to have a dream that soon turned into a nightmare. In the dream he was back home, the sky was red and the ground turned black and all of the bodies of his family were lifeless and what stood in front of him was a tall black figure with huge bat like wings and body twice and big as his with beady orange eyes.

"We will find you," the figure told him," You cannot hide forever." Aeon tried to move but he couldn't; the figure got closer and closer making him breath heavier and his heart pound like a drum. With each step smoke would come from the ground and with each step Aeon felt like he was going to die.

"Aeon," He heard Twilight's voice,"Aeon." Then he woke up; he was breathing heavily and he put his hands on his head. "You okay Aeon? You were having quite a dream there."

"Yeah I'm okay," Being quite surprised that Twilight didn't notice the hilt in his lap; he calmed down and quickly wrapped the hilt in its cloth setting it back into his bag.

"Come on," Twilight said.

"Why?"

"Well I have a get together with my friends and I want you to come along."

"Okay, I'm getting up," He got up and followed Twilight near Sugarcube Corner where Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash waiting. Aeon was slowly following behind Twilight walking on all fours.

"Finally!" Rainbow Dash said," It felt like forever Twilight, I was just about to leave."

"Now don't be like that sugarcube you know Twilight has things she has to do," Applejack told Dash.

"Yeah, but I've got better things to do."

"No you don't silly," Pinkie Pie came in to the conversation," All you do is nap all day."

"Hey I'm a weather pony, it get exhausting," Rainbow Dash lashed back.

"Okay now settle down girls," Rarity trying to stop the conversation from becoming an argument," As long as we're all here is what matters an...." Rarity stood frozen in her words from seeing Aeon out of the corner of her eye behind Twilight," Twilight what's that behind you?" Rarity hesitantly speaking.

"Huh?" Twilight responded to Rarity's question.

"That big lookin' scaly lizard behind you sugarcube."Applejack explained.

"Oh, I met him in the woods he just arrived here from another land."

"Hey! I've seen him."

"Ho..How do you know that you've seen him Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy finally coming in to the talk.

"Because I talked to him while he was standing on a cliff."

"You know, you can just ask me what and who I am I can talk you know," When he said that he spooked Fluttershy and made her jump behind Pinkie Pie.

"Alrighty then what's your name darlin?" Rarity built up the courage to ask him.

"Aeon," He replied.

"Well I'm Rarity."

"I'm Applejack sugarcube."

"I'm Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie jumped on Aeon's back and he could fell her hooves hitting his tail.

"Would mind getting off, I don't need my frill to rip off."

"I'm Fluttershy," She said under her breath.

"Could you say that agian ?" Getting closer to Fluttershy. She saw his fangs and started hesitating cause of how sharp they were.

"That's Fluttershy," Twilight speaking for her," She gets nervous around new people."

"Aw... I see don't worry Fluttershy I'm not goin' to eat ya." He put his hand on Fluttershy's head. She felt better after hearing that.

"Then what are we waiting for, we introductions out of the way lets go," Rainbow Dash saying impatiently.

"Alright alright we're coming," Twilight told Dash.

So they headed off to where they were going for their get together.

Comments

[CosmicAfro]

And just as I said that, phone call from work.

ARGH.

hey, I'll give you some stuff later. Promise!

[The Questioner]

Well. Let's see how this goes!
Pre-reading opinions:
Dat title. Seriously? PLEASE use correct grammar in a story's title, even if you don't use it ANYWHERE else. I mean, at least FELIXDAWN of all people uses grammar correctly in his titles (with one glaring exception). Oh. Did I just compliment FelixDawn? *universe explodes*
Seriously, though. Either use a semicolon ";", put a conjunction in there, or revise it. (A New Life; An Old Demon // A New Life, and an Old Demon // A New Life and an Old Demon // etc.)

Now that that little business is dealt with, let's move on to the description. Again. Grammar. Freaking GRAMMAR, my good sir! In my opinion, two of THE MOST IMPORTANT things for an author to do are to use correct grammar/mechanics/[insert further superfluous nouns here], and to utilize subtle methods of advancing the plot of a story [allusions (WELL-RESEARCHED, i.e. Michael Crichton's The Andromeda Strain), wordplay, Chekhov's Gun's, etc.], among many others. Don't get me wrong--for a first fanfiction, the grammar is acceptable, but I CANNOT STRESS IT ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shouts until death from oxygen deprivation*
Let's take a look at your current description.

A new and unexpected visitor has came [Verb tense error] to Ponyville from a different land bringing [Run-on sentence] new life and new creations to the ponies but [This is a conjunction, so it needs a comma "," before it] is it all he brings with him is [Another run-on, and it's generally not a good idea to use questions in the description] there something following him from his past. [Questiony question needs questiony question-mark]

Errors are highlighted above in red, and reasoning is given in brackets "[ ]" directly following said error. Overall, not bad, but there are definitely improvements to be made (as with anything).
Try this (changes are made in purple):

A new and unexpected visitor has arrived in Ponyville from a distant land. Bringing new life and creation to the ponies, he is welcomed, but there is something following him. Something dark. Something... from his past.

See? Doesn't that look (and sound) much better? Basically, what I did was just to correct the grammar errors (spell check is your FRIEND), increase sentence complexity (by adding dependent clauses), and use awesome characters (ELLIPSES "..." AWW YEAH! They're LITERALLY like, my favorite special character... besides some other ones, like the section sign, et al., but I deviate...).

Now, on to the actual piece!

GRAMMAR. Seriously. Grammar. Get an editor, or at the very least, check on grammar websites/in textbooks for the basic rules. You really don't need much more than the basics, because most READERS won't care beyond the basics [N.B.: not insulting readers' intelligence, just generalizing (although one could dispute the differences between the two under several different webs of argumentation... but I digress once more)], so don't use all those fancy-schmancy ellipses, no matter how awesome they look (unless you know what you're doing, which isn't hard to learn).

Y'know, I'm just gonna ignore the grammar errors for now, and focus on the meat of your story.

First off, who IS your protagonist? I mean, for SOME stories, it works fine to leave the protagonist's identity in limbo for a chapter or two, but you shouldn't tell us so little about him/her, especially if it's either a crossover/insert fic. From the cover art and your profile pic (I'm using the trend that most authors have profile pics that relate to their first fic somehow), I can infer that your character is a Chlamydosaurus kingii, or frill-necked lizard, but you tell us next to nothing about him after that.

I mean, the name of where he lives is nice, but unless you're doing some sort of amnesia-driven fic, you kinda need to give an OC backstory.

Secondly, the physics of his fall/glider drifting away are all screwed up. If he's in a LATERAL tumble (pitch goes haywire), then the glider will stall, he'll black out rather quickly (and his eyes will explode outwards from the "negative g's"), and it has an EXTREMELY low likelihood of gliding off all the way through the Everfree to Zecora's.
If he's merely rolling, however (yaw is messed up), then the glider wing's poor curvature on the other end (plus the struts, etc.) will cause him to slow down gradually, and he has a very good chance of NOT crashing, provided he knows what he's doing. Therefore, I have to assume that he either doesn't know what he's doing with his glider, or some random magical event occurs. See where I'm going with this line of thought? Patch up the realism, or attribute it to magic (realism tends to work better, though).

Thirdly, the magic. Twilight Sparkle is FREAKING OP. Remember S1E23? She turned ponies into POTTED PLANTS (I demand a SHRUBBERY!), hatched a dragon egg, and it took CELESTIA to stop her. I mean, she probably would've been able to just brute-force that glider through trees, or a mountain, even. You COULD put something in to remedy that (i.e. she doesn't want to break anything/there's a strange, glowing rock near her that sucks up magic powers, OR imo the best one: right when she's lifting it, Aeon crashes through the branches. <-- also helps keep the physics on track), but right now it just doesn't pay homage to the magical-ness skills of Twilight.

Now, onto the less-major stuffs.
Namely, the fact that the [TAB] key, the [ENTER] key, and dialogue tags seem to have escaped your memory.

WHENEVER anything speaks (if it's a new character), skip a line. You do this pretty well. THEN, after you close the quotes """ (<-- mwahaha), you DO NOT start the dialogue tag with a capital letter. The entire dialogue, plus the dialogue tag, is ONE SENTENCE. And, unless you're emphasizing that there are only two speakers/emphasizing the dialogue itself over the tag, you need to use a tag. You don't do that at the beginning very well.
And, GRAMMAR GRAMMAR SPELLING GRAMMAR etc.

Finally, "Aeon."
Plz 2 explainz teh namez? Seriously, though, if you just give a character a cool-sounding name without explaining anything else about them, it just makes it seem like a self-insert or that you didn't spend much time planning said character out.
Give "Aeon" some backstory, or something, 'cuz right now, all I can see is gratuitous cool names (which are fun, but actually detract from the story unless they're used for comedic value or to explain something in esoteric ways)

Overall impression:
Aside from the glaring grammar mistakes, the gratuitous physics-defying, and the gaping plot holes standard in ANY first fic (well, in most first CHAPTERS, too on that last one), it wasn't bad. I didn't vomit, and it was more enjoying than perusing textbooks (although that CAN be fun)

Eh. 2.25/5 for now. (i.e. not bad)
~InfinityXanadu