When an unexpected guest arrives at Canterlot Castle, the royal sisters are confused as to why the citizen chose their castle as a destination, of all places. It's soon revealed that this pony isn't at all the stranger they should she was, and things quickly spiral out control.
Where did this visitor come from, and just who is she?
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Right. She's finally here.
I spent a long time working on this, and am probably going to be working on it for some time to come. Updates for this are going to be slow, because I keep my stories to the same standards as I keep other people's stories to (the other four I currently have published are exceptions. This story is probably going to end up another one as I continue to... 'improve').
I have only two things to ask:
Please, don't downvote this simply for the presence of an alicorn OC. I've put a lot of time into the planning alone, and I've taken several extra steps (and gathered opinions) to make sure that she won't turn into a Mary Sue. She has a backstory (that will be explained), and there's a valid reason for her to be an alicorn.
Also, please don't forget to tell me what it is you dislike about a story, should you decide to downvote. I understand that I'm going to get some silent downvotes, but asking for explanations or tips never hurt anybody, so here goes.
With that said all done, please, go enjoy the story if you haven't already (tried to). If you have, by all means, leave a comment!
Hi there, I've just started reading your fic. I really like this idea and think this fic, from its premise alone, has a lot of potential. That said, your writing seems a little stilted. Let's look at your first paragraph.
Celestia walked into her study, levitating a scroll behind her. It was the latest friendship report from her student, Twilight Sparkle. The letter had arrived earlier that day, but the princess hadn’t had the time to read it just yet. It had already turned evening, and Celestia had finally gotten around to retreating to her study to take a proper look at her student’s letter. She sat down at her desk, a single lit candle on it providing just enough light to read by.
Nothing majorly wrong there, except for one thing, it's very stop - start, if that makes sense. I appreciate wanting punchy, short writing, but you create no flow for my eyes or imagination to follow. Also, it's very clinical, almost robotic.
Now let's take a crack at this and see if Nurse Twilight can help!
"Celestia walked into her study with the latest friendship report, from her student Twilight Sparkle, levitating behind her. The letter had arrived earlier that day, but the princess hadn’t had the time to read it as she had been attending to royal duties. Setting the letter down onto her desk, a single lit candle on it providing just enough light to read by, she sat down and began to read."
So that was just a quick re-write, but can you see what I've done? I've merged some of your sentences, and cut out the repetition. Let's look at another example.
Celestia looked up from the letter, rolling the scroll up and setting it aside. It seemed Twilight had learned a particularly valuable lesson this time. Celestia couldn’t help but think back to the weeks following Luna’s banishment to the moon. It hadn’t been easy for Celestia to do, banishing her own sister, and she’d had trouble dealing with the loneliness.
This is much tighter, but there are a few problems. For one, repetition. You've already told me Luna was banished, you don't need to tell me again
For two, don't over use names. We know this is Celestia, you don't need her name in each sentence. For three, and this is more of a suggestion, show us some emotion her, this is lingering memory and probably a source of regret.
Nurse Twilight could you help us again?
The princess looked up from the letter, rolling the scroll up and setting it aside. It seemed Twilight had learned a particularly valuable lesson this time. Celestia couldn’t help but think back to the weeks following Luna’s banishment to the moon. Her eyes closed as shade of her old guilt returned. It hadn’t been easy for her to do and she’d had trouble dealing with the loneliness.
See that, little tweaks, but helps see the character and imagine them.
Righto, hoped that helped.
Good luck, I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this
Night Thinker
1290455
The advice has been given to me before, although never with an example. It's nice to see exactly what you mean by this. I like to think that the later chapters look better (I spent months on this. Assuming that development has taken place is only logical), but you're the one to judge, not me.
Barring grammatical errors in your 'fixes,' (extra comma before "from her student Twilight Sparkle" isn't necessary, in the first example.) I think that they're quite suitable as an example. Maybe, once I've finished the story, I'll go back and rewrite the thing.
On to write chapter 6, I guess.
1291278
Grammar is a major weakness of mine. Anyway, glad my examples were useful
1291387
Mine too, in a way. I'm so obsessed with it that... well, this happens.
An editing note here: the italics start about three-quarters of the way down and never stop!
Right, that should fix the italics in chapter 3.
It looks like it's about time for Celestia and Luna to uncoronate their mother. It should be easy enough rally the ponies to their side seeing how they've spent generations under Celestia and none of them had even heard of Harmony until a few days ago.
1297427
That would be rather... boring. I have something much bigger in mind.
Yay!
1290455
Right. So I'm a sucker for negative commentary.
Tried something new, and I'd like your opinion on the matter, seeing as you commented on my flow and narration in this thing.
This is what I'd like your thoughts on.
1375676
Surprised you didn't PM me, though I'm actually faltered that you wanted my opinion. I think it is overall better, but there some segments that could be tighter. If you'd like to PM it I can go through it with you, just add me to Skype, I'd be more than happy to help you out or just discuss it with you
1376200
Eh. I've already fixed most of the sentence fragments. Case of trying-too-hard, I think. I'll take that Skype name, though. The only other person I know whose main focus is flow can never list examples. He just goes "It's broken," which isn't very helpful at all.
i have a prediction that harmony is evil anyone else not trust her
1413556
Well... I'd explain, but spoilers :3
There are probably some instances of incorrect tenses in this chapter. As irony would have it, I do not have an editor. If you could notify me of these it would be greatly appreciated, but nobody's forcing anybody to do anything.
elements stat.
1480945
Refresh. Italics should already be fixed.
1480962
NO NO I was saying get the elements of harmony immediately. blast that untamed inharmonious broken mare back to full right of mind.
1481029
Ah! I thought you meant BBcode elements. Just you wait.
1481035 if i was talking about the bbcode elements i'd be telling you not just the problem but where and what it was.
sorry if my first comment wasn't clear.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_sad.png
hope to see that bitch burneddl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
cheers
1481080
Good to know that I'm not the only one who specifies errors (I sometimes go on random editing sprees. I'll pick a story, scan it for errors, and list all of them in a comment). Pray tell, where do you people keep finding these images not provided by the site itself? I'd love me an Octavia emoticon set.
Also good to know that people enjoy the story.
1481137
Do they have a choice, though? Just look at what happened to Celestia, and what she WAS doing to Luna. HER OWN DAUGHTERS, FOR HARMONY'S SAKE.
1481124This Guy is the one that made the extra images and added them I forgot what it was called but I know he made it and it only runs on Firefox as far as I know.
cheers
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia2.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_lazy.png
1481468
I'll have a chat with him. See if it'll work in Waterfox, too.
1481736
Then how could she have offered to raise the moon instead of the sun? She asked simply because she didn't want to upset Celestia. Besides, a queen leaving and returning to her own coronation would be rather odd.
As for how powerful she is... patience.
Harmony... she isn't living up to her name at all, Harmony is balance, why she proposes is counter to that yet still at odds with Discord... Order pure and simple. Far as I can tell she wants everypony to die, what is life but disorder?
I am impressed so far with this, there are a few things I'm having trouble wrapping my head around but I will continue reading. Good plot, good story, and an Alicorn imposing Order that isn't Celestia? Damn straight I'm going to read.
In the Name of Her Serene Majesty Celestia Everfree,
Celestia's Paladin: Ex Solis et Lunae, Provendtia et Prosparita
1481806
Ohohoho, if only I could explain right now.
1481842
Guess I hit the nail on the head... please don't explain I want to read about it.
1481870
Also, her majesty CELESTIA? Tsk, tsk.
1481901
The Third Equestria Concordiat does not recognize the rule of "Queen" Harmony, only Their Equestrian Majesties Princesses Celestia and Luna. The only Queens we recognize are the Last Three Queens of the Three Tribes who perished in the defense the First Equestria Concordiat.
1481928
Dangerously close to treachery. Harmony's not very fond of that, as she has shown.
1481940
The Equestria Concordiat will not bow before any Tyrant, No Pony shall be a slave again! Epona preserve the Concordiat!
Simply put... Harmony can kiss my flank
1481977
LOLBANISH.
But we need to stop, now. Any more and I'll be giving spoilers. I would like to say though, that I absolutely love seeing people trying to make sense of Harmony's actions. Predictions in particular amuse me immensely.
1481993
Still here... I suppose it would, it amuses her even more when we guess wrong. I know that I may be wrong, guessing the plot or not I will continue reading
It's pretty obvious that what Harmony wants is order. Lesser tyrants might get distracted by government structure and chains of command and other outward symbols of order, but she understands that such things amount to little more than rearranging deck chairs. Put things right at the top and harmony will filter through right down to the bottom.
It's criminal that there aren't more upvotes for this.
What's Harmony's cutie mark? Is it something mentioned later, or did you forget to mention it? A pony's cutie mark is a little too significant to be unmentioned this far in. I'd think one of the royal pony sisters would've noticed what her cutie mark is.
2527659
Was supposed to be mentioned in a later chapter, but I've reviewed this many times over and I think there's too many mistakes to still merit continuing on this basis. It was supposed to be a representation of the Elements, but at the time of writing I thought that would make her "talent" too easy to guess.
2527689 Another question: does
mean you're done with the story, or you're just going in to fix typos? I'm very much enjoying the story.
2528270
Done with stories. I could tell you now that I'm feeling slightly optimistic and whatnot, but when it comes right down to it and I get to work, all I'll remember is the bad feedback and mistakes already in there. I'd have to rewrite the whole thing to be not-boring, while adding more stuff to have it make sense.
2528423 BUT IT'S NOT BORING! IT'S AWESOME!
2528423
Je verhaal heeft een hoge waardering, dus blijkbaar valt het met de fouten wel mee. Blijf gewoon schrijven als nu, uiteindelijk zullen je verhalen steeds minder fouten bevatten naarmate je ervaring op doet, en je maakt er mensen blij mee.
2558715
Ben op het moment te druk met examens en Dota2. Ideeën genoeg, en grammatica is ook mijn probleem niet, zolang ik de tijd neem om mijn eigen schrijfwerk nog eens door te lezen, maar het zit hem in de motivatie. Ik heb negatief commentaar te horen gekregen, en dat kan ik niet zomaar van me af zetten.
Almost four years since I last updated this. Four. Years.
By now, some characters are dated. Discord is still an antagonist, Twilight is still a normal unicorn, and still lives in her library.
Seasoned readers will also be able to tell that they're re-reading a part. This is because over the last three days, the story has seen some heavy revising. Harmony's integration into the world has been re-done, and she has also been given some extra backstory.
I'm going to keep this short and sweet, but it's nice to be back. In the four years I went without actively writing this, it was almost constantly on my mind. I look forward to writing for you all once again, if you're all still around.
Thank you for your patience, I guess. If that's even still a realistic phrase to use.
Yea as soon as I recognized that I had already read the content posted I just skimmed through to the end to see if there were any differences... None that were major or at least notable. The events essentially happened the same.
6816984
Most differences are in other chapters, but are indeed very subtle.
I'd advise you read the prologue, and a completely new scene in the middle of chapter 4. There are horizontal rules to distinguish scene changes so the new scene shouldn't be difficult to find.
Other than that, you should be mostly up to speed.
6816925 About time you updated this...
7342937
Schoolwork ended two days ago. Working on it