- Member Since 4th Dec, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 6th, 2022
OrionAE
I'm just a guy that likes to write stories
OrionAE
Joined 4th Dec, 2015 ·
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For a moment, I was going to cringe when I saw the words 'turns into an alicorn' , however to see the main character hate MLP changed my opinion.
9806395
He’ll explain the reason why he hates the show in the next chapter.
"7,892 boys in the United States have been named Orion"
at the risk of being that guy, naming the protagonist something try hard-ish that no joke .00002 of the population is named is kind of thing to avoid
not trying to insult you or family friends if you are/know some one named orion but i would have a word with the parents, i have priors on this i lost a friend after he named his (turns out not actually but hole different story) kid draco raven brownly i and i will stand by that decision
ps i did not down vote
9806460
While I see what you mean I stand by my decision to name this character Orion, I was simply trying to avoid using a common name and go for a more unique one. Also, I don’t take offense. You’re good man.
9806682
do not let readers (my self included) change your story. you will write better if its your story also you are much more likely to finish
Where is the original?
9806853
Agreed
9806853
I revoked my submission. Believe me when I say that I thought it was garbage. Plus the story was going nowhere because I forgot what I was gonna write.
Hum, not sure if I remember your previous story to compare the quality of your writing form then and before, I might have complain commented about the neutral tone of your writing if I were to guess. Beyond the description of the MC and his room, which was only slightly toneless, I got a pretty good sense of his state of mind on what was happening to him which kept things : I hope you will be able to communicate more about his passions likes and dislikes. Keep up the good work.
Also if you are looking for a cover art for your story you can look me of for a commission, and if you want to take a my art skills you can look up to my DA gallery in the link bellow. Good luck on your story.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
9806853
9806949
Search “The Alicorn Prince” on FimFetch and it’s the first one.
9806395
If this is going to be similar to the original, hating MLP doesn’t really have an effect that makes it different from other cringey OP Alicorn stories, just that he’s not going to over-react to being transformed or talking horses.
To the Author; I actually remember reading the original from some time ago as one of my least favorite Alicorn stories. This chapter isn’t nearly as cringey as the original and I hope you can continue that without going back into the overall theme of the first one. I’ll also be giving it a follow since this first chapter shows promise.
9807037
Thanks for the review. Yeah I guess I lacked a bit of detail in his room but I was tired when I wrote this. And yeah I’ll take a look at your art later on and see if I want a commission. Thanks
9807052
Believe me when I say I haves learned my lesson. What surprised me was the fact that there was about 100 people liking it. In my mind I was like “What is wrong with you people.” Lol
9807053
Well, it's not the details you put in that was really the real issue at all, there was more then enough material to work with, but it was rather how you delivered it that felt some what bland in the way to phrased it. I would say that was just a minor nitpick really, but I think it's something that you should look out for in your writing. If you ever want something that might help you could try to run your chapters thought a text to speech program to 'hear' if the writing flows well to your ears of not.
I hope it helps you in some way.
9807102
Thanks. I’ve always felt what I wrote was bland in a way. I’ll keep that in mind
9807070
People enjoy the power play. I’m a fan of Alicorn transformation stories in general but it’s so easy for those kind of stories to promote lazy writing; which is why I’ve only liked reading about 2 or 3 Alicorn transformation stories in total.
9807276
Well I hope you enjoy mine.
He won't be some push over, doormat for ponies?
For example Twilight will want to destroy his phone to learn how it works for her own selfish reason of learning
Or Celestia seeing him as an puppet/alicorn that can be used, beceause she doesn't have any connection with him like with others, won't feel bad for him unlike if she used her sister
Also does he know any information about mlp, like how most of the things will play out or he just knows how mlp looks like?
9807052
It's just most human turned alicorn stories have the main character enjoy being an alicorn, no flaws, controls powers easily, doesn't cause a chain reaction to the main plotline, never suffers nor experiences conflicts.
9807764
Then you’ll be happy to see that he will struggle. I mean he has to adjust to a new body. And have to deal with the fact that magic can be hard to learn and he has to learn how to control his wings. And he will eventually have an inner conflict.
9807684
You’ll see for yourself
9807276
Which two or three did you really like?
9807120
This is a stylistic preference, but Author's Notes are better off at the end of a chapter; if someone doesn't know what something is, they have all the power in the world to look it up at their leisure.
Direct descriptions of a character are, likewise, probably not necessary features unless the audience needs those details to form a story relevant mental image of the character. Style of dress, ethnicity, haircuts, tattoos, etc should only be brought up to help inform us of the kind of person they are, and where they come from - ideally, in a context that's relevant to the character's current activities and surroundings. Strictly for the sake of example, describing a character as wearing a black T-shirt and black jeans in a vacuum is a lot less meaningful or interesting than having the same character suffering in the heat and lament their choice of attire after getting stranded in a hot desert.
The main character's reaction to finding himself inside the world of MLP is itself a bit strange. Reacting with apparent, immediate acceptance of where he is, and coupling that with immediate disgust for the place out of his dislike of MLP as a TV show, doesn't feel like a natural combination of emotions.
9808015
Beneath a Silver Sky (if you read all the previous books in the series, adds up to around 1.2 million words) only stopped reading when it went into gender bending territory but loved it.
Saving Equis My top favorite; not as long as the first but one I’ve enjoyed more. Author has slowed down on updating it though; which is a pity because it’s finally getting to the really good part.
9808015
I see what you mean about his reaction. But to tell you right now, he actually thinks it’s a horrible dream.
9808564
Orion believing he's in a dream makes his response more believable; the audience needs to be made aware of the relevant thoughts and feelings, though.
You don't have to rewrite the entire story to just edit it. Still though I think the transition was too fast.
9808580
I understand. I’m gonna deal with that later.
9808648
please update.
Finally, please update this more.
You don't mess with someone else's phone...
I need more.
9877139
You know what, maybe I will.
This story is great keep up with the great updates
Well, that secret didn't last long, at least we have that issue out of the way now. nice chapter, keep it up.
9877615
What issue?
9877441
Thanks i can't wait for the next chapter.
9877632
the part that he isn't pony born
9877632
MORE
Please dont make him out to be a snowflake?
Update pls? :'(
9976407
Depends on how you mean snowflake? Is he going to be sensitive? No he’s not.
9982426
I’ll update when I can. Life has been so busy lately.
>>Oh okay.
when is the next chapter going to be up
please update.
Boy is he in for a nasty surprise when he tries out meat, as horse do often still have canines, mostly stallions with all four, which doesn't mean he can actually digest meat at all.cute chapter, not much actually happening but it was nice, I wonder why he is with Fluttershy of all ponies who is taking care of him?
This ending gives me a certain vibe. It's not a vibe I like. Is this going to be a story where the main character inadvertently makes himself enemy #1 of at least one part of the equestrian government by being his alien self and not conforming? I'd like to know because if so I don't want to waste my time.
10018546
Oh no not at all. She just didn’t like the attitude of him since she’s not used to anyone treating her like that and she especially doesn’t like the fact that he just kicked her out of his head.
10018544
He’s with Fluttershy because she was the one that offered to house him. He would get a little too much attention if he were in the town itself. And let me tell you, he does not like a lot of attention.
Update? Neat. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask me again.