You want me to describe myself to you? FOOLS!! I AM THE ULTIMA-- *Bricked
Starswirl’s mirror. A gateway to other worlds. Infinate possibility. In one timeline, it took Sunset Shimmer to Canterlot High. But where else could it have led? This is a tale of a world far different from what you know. Join Sunset on her decent into the depths of a ruined kingdom, as she learns of it’s glory and folly. Join Sunset, as she takes part in the legend of the Hollow Knight.
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Me, as dense as a brick: Romantic subtext????
No but seriously what romantic subtext i cant *puts on my romance spotting glasses* i cant see any at all!
Seconding 9782501. What romance? He's putting on flirtatious bravado, like the showman he is. Seems far more a mentor than partner, though.
It back it back yay
the Grimmchild is so adorable
Is the Dragonfly from the game? I do not remember them.
Also, neat to see Hornet using a "non-standard" attack, trapping Sunset in place rather than simply setting spike traps on her webs or lashing out chaotically.
And poor, poor Myla... will she break Sunset's heart as she did that of so many players, or will the ghost find her corrupted first?
9812222
The Grimmchild may be a demon/vampire that feeds of 'the crimson flame in dream,' but it is still a child.
I was hoping for that reaction.
9812265
I'll just state this for the dragonfly; this crossover is not founded on the addition of a character, but a change in destination. I have already given you two clues as to who she is, but let's leave it as a surprise for the other readers.
With hornet, that's the fun with fanfiction, you can add your own moves to 'boss fights,' things you wish they could do and the like.
As for Myla….
Well that is an excellent question isn't it......
9812696
And unless Sunset GET GUUD with her nail, it'll stay that way for quite some time.
Her gem and coloration led me at first to suspect Adagio Dazzle, but then she would probably have similar issue moving about in that body. So from there, I figure it's either a purposefully-misidentified Mantis from Hornet's past, an OC, or a bug from Silksong. Each has points for and against her.
This is cool!
Hey, when update?
Hmm ... you have my attention ...
Interesting that Sunset would be a moth. Of all the beings in Hallownest she could have been she ends up as the one of those known to traditionally wield dreams. Interesting ... then again, they are also one of only two types of beings known to have natural 'magical' abilities at all, so who knows?
This certainly has some potential, now let's see ...
One little mistake I've found in every chapter of this story was 'sunset' not being capitalized as it should be. Beyond that:
as if she were looking
antennae
supposed
And thus the summons are made and answered ... and the dream motif continues. You know your lore, good sir.
Again, make sure your names (specifically 'Sunset') are capitalized.
'Oh whatever'
swept
Careful with your numerus, it needs to match the subject of the sentence, which is 'remains', not 'bug'. Thus this needs to be 'were' not 'was'.
'Whenever Sunset asked'
'but the light'
'lamppost, this one lit'
descent
Alrighty then, moving on. Covering a lot more this chapter, I see.
First, the previously mentioned problem of forgetting to capitalize Sunset's name still applies, beyond that:
three
1: 'It's' is always a contraction of 'it is' the possessive form of 'it' is 'its' without the apostrophe. (Yes, I know it's counter-intuitive, but that's English for you.)
2: What breeze? Dirtmouth is in a valley cradled between tall mountains, Sunset even comments on the notable absence of any wind at the end of the previous chapter when she's at the top of the mountain. I certainly can't see how there would be any notable breeze all the way at the bottom of the valley.
You're continuing your sentence, this shouldn't be capitalized.
Now this is just a suggestion, but I feel 'folk' would work better here.
remove
on
There is no reason for that to be capitalized.
I think you're getting your figures of speech mixed up. Hearing a pin drop, or saying that you could have heard that, is an expression meaning that it is quiet. What you mean here is that the other shoe dropped. Or horseshoe in this case, I guess. Then again, Sunset is a pony, so they really wouldn't need to differentiate horseshoes from other kinds of shoes, so I guess they'd just call them shoes anyway.
1: This is a question. It needs a question mark.
2: Just a suggestion, but maybe add 'here' or 'again' at the end. Should make things flow a little more smoothly.
1: 'Alright' is one word.
2: Why is there a comma at the end there? That should be a period. (Going to guess here that that's just a typo.)
And no, I'm fairly certain, we have the same typo going the other way. This should be a comma.
Yeah, this is another recurring error, like before, this should be 'its' not 'it's'.
This doesn't quite work. It would have to either be 'The troupe master acted as if' or 'Troupe Master Grimm acted as if'. Titles are only capitalized when connected to the name they belong to. In that case, they're effectively part of the name. That's also the problem with the article. Names never get articles attached to them unless the article is part of the name. A title without a name, again, is a different case and can carry an article.
1: I trust you get how this works by now.
2: This would be first form of the Grimmchild. Now I don't know about you, but only the fourth and final form has something I'd call wings, the first three only have these weird black tendrils that allow it to fly because dream magic mumbo-jumbo, I guess.
Again, I trust this is clear at this point.
'how difficult it would be to take the mask off.'
Another recurring problem of sorts, please make up your mind if you want to form a statement or a question. These weird hybrids don't work. So either 'I want to know what you have to defend yourself with.' or 'I want to know; what do you have to defend yourself with?'.
of
Now this is once again only a suggestion, but I find adding commas around 'oh-so 'generously'' makes this easier to read.
1: 'At the behest of these strangers, no doubt'
2: Unless he's sighing in full sentences, that comma should be a period and that 'he' should be capitalized.
Still part of the same sentence (grammatically speaking, at least). This shouldn't be capitalized.
Now there we go. Like some of the others, apparently, I don't quite see what romantic subplot you mean, but then again, I'm usually blind as a bat when it comes to emotions. It might well be the 'creepy romance' bit being drowned out by the general creep factor of the Grimm Troupe and Hollow Knight as a whole. I mean, yeah, he's acting a bit more affectionate than what would likely be proper, but Sunset isn't having any of it. Now if he continues to not take any hint, then it might become creepy, especially considering how old he probably is with the whole vampire theme the Grimm Troupe have going on, but for now it isn't all that noticeable, to be honest.
For now, gotta say, I loved how you sprinkled in little hints at what's going on behind the scenes. I find myself restating what I already pointed out for the last chapter: You clearly know your lore, good sir.
9938441
First off, thank you so much for lending me your eagle eyes, help is always appreciated
I type the rough draft on my phone, and its own autocorrect has a love hate relationship with capitalization. It recognizes that sunset is a word not normally capitalized so it undoes it when I capitalize, but then it somehow also sees that I am capitalizing Sunset as a name and ads a capital letter automatically, until it recognizes sunset as a word not normally capitalized again and undoes it's own fix.
The it's its is my own dam fault though. It makes me go cross eyed trying to pick through everything and for some reason Ctrl F is only finding the capital 'It's' and not the lowercase 'it's.' I'll keep picking through this haystack, but I can't guarantee I'll catch every one all at once.
If it let's ya fly and does not spin, i'mma call it a wing. I'm just surprised nobody's called me out ton the fact that no form of Grimmchild has arms, yet I have it doodling.
Your suggestion here removes a question of uncertainty and replaces it with a statement of assumed certainty, like it wants to guarantee that the mask would be difficult to remove. Sunset has no idea how clingy the mask could be (standard fantasy cursed equipment of unequippability), or if she would be come attached to the mask in a different manner of speaking (my precious), thus retaining this sentence as a question is important to it's meaning.
It still is a bit clumsy as is though, I tend to ramble.
Not the update I have been waiting for, but definitely looking good so far. Off to chapter 2.
9939460
Alright, to address your points quickly:
Personally I'm not questioning the Grimmchild's ability to doodle for the same reason I am questioning the term wings. I can't see those little floppy tentacles providing lift without magical assistance. I very much can see them used as a tool for gripping things.
If you do want to keep it as a question and still make it grammatically correct try 'Her primary concern was another: how difficult would it be to take the mask off?'
Now then, chapter four:
Does she realize that the Wayfarer's Compass isn't an actual compass? It doesn't show directions, it just whispers to you where you are whenever you open your map. (Or at least that's what the charm description says.)
Since I very much doubt that the infection can spread through eye contact, I suggest making that 'made Sunset feel ill just looking at it'
Missing a period there.
And here we go again ...
That should be lower case.
So Sunset can't blow a raspberry with mandibles but the Grimmchild can ... somehow ...
1 'cut off'
2 'echoed along the tunnel' or 'echoed down the tunnel'. Or perhaps 'echoed through the tunnel'.
'bothered. Her shimmering savior'
rogue auto correct?
You know, I find myself wondering how everyone keeps recognizing Sunset as a moth. Even before the whole 'downfall of Hallownest' situation, the moth tribe weren't exactly numerous from what we can tell. And now that Sunset's arrival has doubled the total number of living moths in Hallownest from one to two, and given the fact that (for reasons that would be major spoilers) moths never existed outside of Hallownest, I don't see how everyone keeps recognizing her. I get Hornet, since she apparently knows Seer, but Myla?
'bug's'
'However, it had not been long before calamity had struck'
1: 'cave-in'
2: 'impassable' Careful with that, it's a subtle difference in spelling, but a major difference in meaning.
remove
This is one of the more obscure grammar rules when writing a story, but when a character speaks to the end of a paragraph and then continues speaking into the next paragraph, you leave out the quotation marks at the end of the first paragraph of the two.
Since forest is part of the name here, it also needs to be capitalized.
Now I'm not going to question just how a spider web can hold a creature with the ability to teleport, which is something the Grimmchild can do ... Maybe Hornet just has a weak seal of binding on her silk. Or it's something about the silk itself interfering with it since weaver silk seems to be made of soul ...
Lower case ...
'you're doing?!'
switch those around
Question mark ...
Period ...
You get this one by now ...
Names are capitalized.
'needle'
1: This needs an extra dot
2: Lower case
remove
Either 'spoke up, "about your fellows' or 'spoke up. "About your fellows'
Again, names. (Auto correct?)
period
And thus, we finish.
Grimm's last lady fair suffered spontaneous combustion? For that matter, I can't place any character from the game with that description, even as metaphor. I guess that I simply need to read on and find out.
9941898
Gameplay and Story Segregation.
As for Myla recognizing Sunset as a moth, that is something that will come up in a later chapter.
Sunset my be hopeless against higher level opponents for now but that wont last too long. She was celestas student for a reason. She wont take long to learn the ins and outs of combat. Especially if she can get the nail masters to give her some lessons. And as for the question of myla's fate. Magic was always sunsets specialty. Fire in particular. The mark of a master in fire is the ability to burn any thing, be it physical or magic in nature. And nothing but what the master wants to burn. And i will say again she was celestas student for a reason.
Not long enough between updates to warrant a "it's alive" meme, action segments divorced enough from the plot to not warrant commenting on... Something, something, the red thoughts Sunset is hearing aren't actually hers, something, something? Gah, I've got nothing. See you next update.
First Update!
(Sense I found it)
Red thoughts are kinda hard to see in dark mode; I had to highlight the dream section.
That said, always wonderful to see another chapter! I know I've said this before, but I LOVE how you write fights! It really feels like a fleshed-out battle, rather than the repetitive dash-smack-smack jump-smack-smack that the Moss Charger boss is in-game.
Decided this needed a cover, so I spent bout an hour in paint.net and doodled one. Just a simple image of Sunset In her Grimm provided outfit.
I also was going to have a certain Knight of great renown fall flat on his face arrive dramatically and fail to save Sunset. but the fic itself recoiled in horror and refused to be written until I changed it to Quirrel
you mean mister liar, A.K.A. Zote the 'mighty'?
Great, even though I have rather general knowledge of the game this story feels really nice so far, staying.
10094890
You mean the *list all of his titles* Grey Prince Zote?
The Scarlet Lantern is lit.
The Carnival of Nightmares has arrived.
10466430
The Grey Prince is what happens when you take a hopeless romantic and give her a boastful jerk to replace her actual best chance at love (ironic because Ghost has no way to express love, if not no way to love at all.)
More
?
10075774
Me waiting for the next update for over a year and now I'm just like
I read this before I made a account