Genius. Prodigy. Magus. Powerhouse. Unbalanced. Crazy. All words used to describe Twilight Sparkle at some point through her life. This is the story of her life, and of those close to her.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Kinda disappointed that Shining didn’t accomplish more.
Excellent expansion on the background of Nightmare Moon, jealousy/loneliness alone has always felt a bit, tacky as a motive to turn against the world. But seeing your companions murdered, and their killer accusing you? That's a very compelling motive for revenge.
Do feel Celestia's guilt leads her to overly chastise herself (after all, when soldiers ambush you in your own home and clearly have betrayed their duties, fear and self defense is a more likely reaction than waiting to find out what their plans/motives are)
My only complaint would be that shining getting knocked out by guards is a bit jarring and unclear. How did pursuing revenge on a school teacher turn into assaulting royal guards? Why did they seem to get the drop on him when the discussion afterwards states he started the fight? What did end up happening to Deep Thought? Why did Deep Thought commit treason to share info and then immediately state he didn't want Shining to act on it? Is Shining an idiot, because the jarring beginning implies he had no plan or skill in execution whatsoever.
Sorry for a nagging paragraph there, still a great chapter and as much as I brought it up, trying to retroactively address my critiques would probably cause more issues than it would fix, so feel free to ignore that last paragraph. The interaction between Twilight and Celestia was exquisite and the tweaks to canon backstory well thought out and narrated in character.
*slow claps* So this Celestia won't do the lie by omission/misdirection most and canon versions of her do to Twilight, nice. I wonder if she has any plans to correct the recorded history in some form of official disclosure after Luna's return.
I’ll make a long shot: after Luna gets blasted with the Elements, Shining Armor kills Luna before Celestia can hug her and whispers to Celestia “Praise the sun.”
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Your criticisms are valid, and some have answers that will come, but I would like to point out that the culprits are (as far as Shining was aware) imprisoned. To get to them, he would need to get past the Royal Guards. Hence, trying to get past the guards. He just didn't really have a plan going in.
I hope i get more this great interractions between Celestia and Twilight in future chapters!
Two tiny words with a world of meaning. Also it would seem twilights recovery is progressing for the better, can't wait to read more.
REALLY good job on this latest chapter. Love that test of character Shining got concerning how he got the info (and glad Shiny DID pass that test). Also loved Twilight and Celestia's chat concerning Luna. And, yeah, it IS easy to see it on BOTH ends. Yes, as was pointed out by other reviewers, Celestia was technically acting in self-defense, but Luna seeing Celestia kill some of her most loyal soldiers and then accuse Luna out of misunderstanding IS a much more sympathetic motive for her becoming Nightmare Moon than what was given in canon.
Anyway, really good job on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places.
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(as far as Shining was aware) wait, did shining not even confirm what cell they were in? Rushing the guards was already stupid under the assumption he knew they were guarding her.
I'm worried about Shining's mental faculties now...
Well there's your problem right there. Why'd you start casting where they could see you? Idiot.
A record of treason in a herding species? He'd be lucky to hold down a career as a night soil hauler.
Incompetent. How hard is it to hold a guise for just a second longer?
I love the picture you paint of Luna, both in Celestia's description, even more so in the room she lived and worked in. And that account of her downfall was truly tragic, very compelling. You know, this calls to mind something I once said regarding Celestia's character.
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Aye, if he can't hold himself in check when under stress he'll be worse than useless as guard.
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It makes sense, though.
I like the ideas and the story itself, thus far. The descriptions and the conversations are very good, and I'm interested to see where it all goes.
But reading this story is a struggle because I just cannot get past the tense that keeps switching back and forth between past and present. Every time I trip over a tense change, my immersion breaks. It seems like your preference is present, which, while a bit annoying, would be okay if it were consistent, but it's almost like you either forget now and then that you've decided on present tense, or the sentence sounds especially strange in present tense and you write it in past tense instead.
What's all the more confusing is that I just skimmed the edited chapter 1, and it appears to favor the past tense, though there are a number of present-tense cases that remain in that chapter.
I don't intend to come across as rude or unpleasant, but as much as I like the idea of this story, I can't really enjoy it when my immersion keeps breaking. I wish I could offer to edit it for you, but I don't really have time right now; at present, I'm usually reading on my phone and not at a computer where I could edit...
Dude, seriously. It's still a great story, but this is literally the same verb. It's especially egregious when you handled the distinction between Luna's past and present so well.
Implying that Luna could also see magic directly. An interesting commonality.
Fascinating approach to the Nightmare Incident. Not just Celestia's incandescent arrogance, but also how she came upon the Elements. What was Luna looking for with them?
Definitely looking forward to more.
Celestia being open and honest with Twilight is a very good thing. Poor Twilight's issues still make me sad.
i really like this version of Celestia
Following up my last comment. I am glad the new chapter is out.
As for the story itself. Thank you for moving things forward, I was honestly wondering if you would tip toe around everything for another few chapters or not. Instead you used it as a plot device and are using it to shape the outcome of events now and are steadily moving forward. Kudos to that.
Also, mage sight, very interesting thing to have, can be extremely detrimental to visuals in general yet, can also reveal many hidden qualities about the environment and objects around you. I want to see where this mechanic goes as time moves on and she learns about it.
As for Celestia, I very much hope she continues to be a power house but also passes on more then just book smarts like in the original. Your over 1k years old, TEACH SOME WISDOM AND SPELLS ALREADY!
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Also, I was always a bit unsatisfied with the explanation in canon myself, for Luna's turn. Glad you like it and the interaction, I was worried it wouldn't sound right.
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I would hope so, that would be kind of awkward. 'Mommy, the book says the Princess died, but I just saw her giving a speech!'
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Glad you like it! I always sort of felt like it would take some sort of catalyst to make Luna betray Equestria. Alot of AUs have handled this really well, and I'm glad you think I did as well.
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Incompetence? Maybe . . .
As for that quote, I really agree with it. It is incredibly important to take note of the elements both wielded. I'm glad you like the image of Luna I'm presenting. I am curious what your favourite parts of the room are, though, if you're willing to share.
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Man I am really sorry about that, I thought we had fixed it by this point. We go through the chapters and try to pick stuff out. Might have to find someone to do that for us in the future if we can't get a handle on it. Sorry!
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Oh jeeze, can't believe I did that! Fixed it immediately, not sure how it got missed. Thanks!
As for the rest, you'll be finding out more!
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They make me sad to write as well, but by Jove, I set out on this journey . . .
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I'm glad! So do I.
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I don't want this story to get stuck on a singular point and forget what the end goal is. If I'm honest, this section of Arc 1 has already gone on longer than I intended - but not too long, I hope.
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The casting circle and the workbench. They demonstrate that not only is she creatively minded, she is a builder. She doesn't just daydream, she makes things of lasting beauty and genuine use. To further this impression, the fact that she has these workspaces in her quarters suggests that she is so often inspired that she wants to have all of her various implements within hoof's reach. I was honestly surprised not to see mention of a miniature forge, or at least some crucibles of a sort to be heated by magic.
Sadly, this also paints a picture of a rather reclusive personality, no one builds, equips and decorates chambers like that unless they intend to spend a significant portion of their time within.
So I guess this isn't intended to be a prequel to the events of the show?
9655034
What do you mean?
9655049
Seems like Celestia has spilled too many beans about Luna for the first two episodes of FiM to make much sense. Seems like Twilight would have said something differently.
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Ah yes, well this is an AU.
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Roger. Up to now it wasn't entirely clear... except for the big black tag at the top.
Can we get to the point where this 'teachers' crimes are brought to light, and she's executed by sunfire?
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He already addressed that. It isnt about what the teacher did or what punishment they would receive, but the reaction of the characters of the story.
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Pursuing revenge on a paedophile can actually quite easily wind up with the law involved. I've seen a mother knock a full grown, trained officer on his arse to get after the one that had gone after her child, and paedophiles trying to have cases of assault levied aginst those that get their hands on them when it comes out is actually not uncommon.
It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest that Shining had it in his head that he was gonna tear that teacher apart for what they'd done to his sister, even if he has to fight Celestia herself.
9661084
I wasn't asking how could this happen, I was asking how did this come to be. There's a skip between chapter four and chapter five where Shining went from a meeting in a bar and discovering who harmed his sister, to apparently starting a fight with guards at the front gate of the palace. This is especially jarring as the readers sees no plan by him to locate his target in either chapter, and instead he seems to have traveled across town to pick a fight with seemingly completely unaffiliated guards with the only comment from Shining after the matter amounting to, oops thought as a guard in training I'd be able to storm the front door of the palace without a plan.
Again though, the rest of the chapter (and the story in general) is great and I eagerly await more.
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I suppose, to an extent, but it was clear in the final line thaat Shining was full intent on doing /something/, and it was also clear that the bitch was in custody. So it's kind of a simple 2 and 2 makes four to understand that to get to her, he'd have to go through the guards.
It is, indeed, a sudden and swift change, but it is one that follows a logical and realistic course of, in this instance, unseen actions.
All we missed out on was a man likely marching through a city, anger and the dark parts of his mind solely focused on the violence he'd expunge without great regard to either planning or paying heed to what was going on around him. It's esy to let the little things fall away when anger sweeps in.
In essence, we missed out a whole chapter of errant plans of what Shining was going to do when he got his hooves on the teacher, and that's about it. And if you've ever thought long and hard about someone you wanted to see suffer, you know that it's likely for the best we didn't get such a disjointed and convoluted chapter.
Y'know, it's probably best for those ten that they're being arrested silently.
Pedophiles- and those that help them- don't last long in prisons.
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Glad you like it so much! I hope 'painful to read' is in a good sense . . . Either way, you'll be seeing more soon!
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Put a good bit of thought into that myself, glad you think it makes sense - as grim as it is.
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Oh, absolutely. It's painful in exactly the way it needs to be- I don't think I've seen someone handle anxiety as well as you have in a writen work before. Good job.
Really nice momlestia moment in this chapter. I hope to see more in the future.
That last, I promise, chilling. . .
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Glad you think so! Momlestia is pretty great.
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:D
Oh wow this was great, hard to read in a good way, but great.
Great story! I am looking forward to the next chapter :)
Moar
9701859
Glad you think so!
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Being edited right now!
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I had a similar moment when writing this, I'm glad it came across as well as it could.
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Yeah, it can be a difficult topic to cover. I hope I'm striking a good balance with this.
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I would have wanted it.
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They're going to be incinerated. The shadow arrest just means nobody ever learns of what they did or where they went.
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No, unless I'm misreading, that was an extreme, illustrative example. If a shadow warrant came with such a punishment, there would have been no need to say that our little historical traitor was to be punished via solar flare, and it would have been more effective to have the punishment read as "shadow warrant".
I believe that a shadow warrant is essentially equivalent to arrest and punishment without trial or public knowledge, and revocation of equestrian citizenship combined with some combination of banishment, capitol punishment, or permanent imprisonment, as it is described as such:
If a shadow warrant consisted first and foremost of a pony being incinerated, it would likely have been written as "you had lost the princess' love, and would in turn find your end at her hooves" or something to that effect. Because of the way it is written, it seems very likely to me that the shadow warrant covers a broader collection of possible punishments, including other methods of execution, in all likelihood.
And even if that wasn't the case, it'd still be better to receive an instant death than what often happens to child molesters.
I'm really enjoying this story, but the tense issues are driving me nuts. I beg of you, please pick a tense and stick with it!
I like that celestia lied about it, that she actually kept her sister’s memory in history, and in good light. This would give her a chance to return more easily.