Perihelion

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The Elusive Badgerpony

The Elusive Badgerpony #1 · Apr 28th, 2019 · · ·

If you liked this fic, please leave a comment telling me what you liked about it! I can't get any better if I don't have any feedback to work off of, after all. Thank you in advance!

Noc

Noc #2 · May 3rd, 2019 · · ·

WTF, how does this have no comments? It was nice. Kissing is gud shit.

xRei

xRei #3 · May 4th, 2019 · · ·

Contest judge with some thoughts(since you asked).

First off, I liked your fic. It had actual character building and something of a story. Seriously. Nice job there.

A lot of what I would have to say from a technical perspective would be, mostly, nitpicks... so instead lets talk about distillation.
According to me(and definitely not wikipedia), there's evidence of humans using distillation methods back in the B.C era, so surely ponies would have had it back when Luna had her first kiss!

...

Okay I'm not being serious.

So, small technical nitpicks..

Usage of 'that'. During your editing passes keep an eye out. If you can remove the word 'that' in a sentence without losing its meaning, I'd do it. It's just slowing down your prose. Example:

Perhaps Celestia had thought that Luna had(also, using perfect past twice in the same sentence maybe redundant) made a mistake in the heat of the moment.

Perhaps Celestia thought Luna had made a mistake in the heat of the moment.

(Pronouns suck in same sex scenes. Uhg.)

So what about something a little more subjective?

When I first started reading this I had two immediate thoughts: the writing's pretty good, and why the hell is the author telling me about this awesome kiss during the medieval history of Equestria and not showing me?

I would have been perfectly content if you had simply chosen to frame the entire story in that early medieval period.

But.. I also recognize you had a theme of the passage of time and the maturing of Luna which I believe you wished to express, which required a lot of exposition and a grander time frame. In order to facilitate this storytelling conceit you needed to use a decidedly 'narrator' approach. That is, Luna is the narrator of the events. This comes at a cost though: immediacy and even some intimacy. Most of the story is framed as a retelling of past events, rather than as an experience being had in the moment.

This left me feeling a bit more detached from the intimacy of the characters, even in spite of your generally appealing way of describing each kissing scene.

Still, I liked the story. I appreciated how you tied it into canon, too.
Thanks for writing this.

livinthelife

livinthelife #4 · Apr 18th, 2020 · · ·

I don’t know where the poor vote ratio is coming from. I’ve always enjoyed your writing, and this shows that you’ve only gotten better over the years.

Evastarfall