• Member Since 21st Feb, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday




A band of mercenaries, composed of griffons and bat ponies and led by a one winged griffon are on a quest for cold hard cash, killing whatever gets in their way.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 46 )

Why do you use all capital letters for your story titles?

I thought I was supposed to do that

Band of mercenaries composed of griffons and bat ponies led by a one winged griffin

Well that's nice and all, but mind telling me what the story is about?

The story is kinda like Red Dead Redemption 2 but instead of outlaws its mercenaries

The point I'm getting at is the description doesn't tell the reader what the story is about. Also I never played Red Dead Redemption 2, so I still have no idea.

The story is about a band of mercenaries on a quest for money killing whatever that gets in their way

Put this in the description so people have an idea of what the story is about.

I came here on your request for feedback. Just looking at the title page, I can already see problems.

Well if you see any problems tell me

I'll tell you more in a bit, when I'm on a PC.

OK. The first issue I can see is the description. It makes no grammatical sense, and has a different meaning to what you probably intend. Here's an alternative;

A band of mercenaries, composed of griffons and bat ponies and led by a one winged griffon are on a quest for cold hard cash, killing whatever gets in their way.

Hope it helps. I'd also advise getting some cover art.

I like to get some cover art but I don't have the money for it

Try looking on DeviantArt. I typed MLP Mercenaries into the search box and got the following result:


I'm I allowed to copy to paste it or i'm ask them to use their work

All you need to do is download one you like, then use the 'insert art' button. Nothing to it, really.

I'll give your chapters a look now.

From what I've read thus far, I'd leave them.

Your prose is decent enough. If anything, improve your short and long descriptions. Appeal to the reader's self-interest. Try to present a hook on why should read your fic. More than that, however, learn how to market yourself better, and you'll find the means to improve all your other issues.

Hope this helps at all.
~ Yr. Pal, B

Thank you. I edited them myself.

No problem. I assume this is the type of 'editing' you did with LonelyFanboy48s 'work'.

Not even close. This author knows what they're doing. Just tidy some paragraphs, touch up the dialogue, and it's good to go.

Ah. That's a relief. The description was a little messy, but apart from that it's very good.

How do I market myself also Thank you for the feedback

You're not. The title of the story can be whatever you want. Hell, I once saw a story with no title at all. Also, shouldn't the griffin in the picture only have one wing?

I took you advice and not capitalize every letter in future chapters. and pic of the griffin its hard to find a pic of a one winged griffin mercenary also the pic is not the leader but a character that's gonna be in future chapters I just don't know his name yet

I'm actually liking this story. Very Conan the Barbarian or Kull the Conqueror.

One thing that kept bugging me was that each paragraph was maybe one sentence long. You could group a lot of them together to make paragraphs.

Thank you I'm a big fan of Robert e Howard and I was inspired to write a story similar to his. also thank you for your feedback I will try to fix that in later chapters.

Honestly, "Until Oblivion" would have made a great name for this chapter instead of the one we got. Heck, it might make a better name for the story at large. It's just... so stinkin' cool.

I love this story it's not bad

“The yuan-ti are at war with the minotaurs. And it’s causing everyone a great deal of grief. More so than any little band of griffins and bat ponies could,” the captain explained. “Nobody ever trusts a yuan-ti. But, it’s the minotaurs nobody would ever miss. That’s why we’re going to offer our help to the snakes.”

dnd commode!

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