The Journey South
There was a sudden grip of terror in the south. Rumor floated on hushed whispers of a small band with the strength of an army, who left nothing but ruin in their wake. Whether the rumors were true or not, temples were suddenly ruined, and villages were left bereft of life and valuables. And with no survivors to tell of who or what had destroyed them.
There was one village, however, which seemed to be doing well, in spite of the tumult all others were experiencing.
Somehow, the economy of the fishing village of Mac Lir was suddenly well off shortly after the arrival of a tiny group of rovers who had come from the north.
The band of griffins and bat ponies whooped and hollered merrily in the town square, joined by many of the villagers, who celebrated the insurge of money their businesses had earned from the mercenaries’ patronage.
A great bonfire had been lit, and the shadows of the celebrators seemed to dance free of their casters, adding to the merriment. Then, all at once, the crowd gradually stopped.
As if from the flames themselves, a previously unseen dancer appeared. The black of her feathers and the red of her threadbare clothes blended so harmoniously with the fire, lending her to be a child of the flames.
Her movements were in perfect tandem with the bonfire. Every curve of her lean, toned figure undulated and gyrated with a rhythm that captured the hearts of every red-blooded male in the crowd.
Near the scene of the captivating dance, the one-winged captain casually exited the village chief’s hut. His armor doffed, he was able to let his muscles flex to their full bulk in the cool night air.
After the talk he had just had with the village chief, he was ready to collect his well-earned night’s respite. And to his everlasting joy and relief, Blackheart had begun her dance.
Before the fire, the griffin who wore little more than a scarf wrapped around her body continued her dance. Until her eyes locked on the captain, who was steadily approaching her.
Her eyes narrowed, and a smile crossed her face. Many who knew Blackheart knew that she was not a griffin to discriminate for want of a partner in bed, but only a few knew there was one she had given her heart to. And there he was, now at the edge of the firelight.
Blackheart danced her way toward the crowd around the bonfire.
One of the villagers found himself caught in the dancer’s gaze, and took a small step toward her.
Blackheart danced her way around him, gently brushing the tip of her tail under his chin as she passed by.
The next villager found Blackheart’s scarf snagged around his outstretched hoof, and found the the more the griffin danced past him, the more it unraveled from around her.
More of Blackheart’s body was revealed with every eternal second, leaving the crowd transfixed on her. And with one smart pull, Blackheart relieved her scarf from the pony’s hoof, and wrapped it around her body with one fluid movement.
There were so few between her and the captain now.
One last of the villagers tried to step to her, ready to claim her as his own.
Blackheart’s eyes flashed at the display of machismo.
She raised a talon and pressed it only a fraction of a centimeter into the pony’s throat, as she danced her way past him.
The pony turned with her, following her deadly dance. And with a sudden movement from Blackheart, the pony winced when her talon flicked up and nicked his face, drawing only a drop of blood.
The captain smirked. He had seen Blackheart charm her way out of even the most treacherous situation. This crowd was a pushover to her.
Finally, the two griffins met. This was the moment they had both been waiting for. After so long apart, separated by the battlefield, they were reunited.
Blackheart hovered her face tantalizingly close to the captain’s. She was ready to show how much she had missed him, but was suddenly stopped when she felt a talon like a vice around her wrist.
First, she looked to the smiling face of the captain. Then, she looked to her restrained talon. Her love had grabbed her wrist, just before she had a chance to drive her talons into his heart.
A twitch of the captain’s eyebrow said everything to her. He fully appreciated the greeting. Nothing got Blackheart off more than the prospect of murder. And the captain was at his best when his life was threatened. Truly, they were of a kind. A match made in Hell between two hearts of darkness.
“Dance with me…” Blackheart implored in a breathy whisper.
It was an invitation the captain gladly accepted.
As if some silent signal had been relayed, the entire village square erupted into dance. At the center of it all, the captain danced with Blackheart, more heated and furious than any other night they spent together.
Morning came, and Fang was standing in the deserted village square in the odd hours of the daylight. Before the captain retired with Blackheart for the night, he had been instructed to await the details for his next assignment.
Fang idled with his spear, and imagined Blackheart was still dancing around the fire. His musings were cut short when he saw his burly friend trodding toward him across the dirt paths of the village.
With a toss, Fang holstered his spear on his back and greeted the captain.
“What’s the word?” Fang asked.
“That’s all you have to say? No, ‘my what a beautiful morning? How was your breakfast? Did you sleep well?’” the captain asked.
“I know how well you slept. I was only sleeping in the next room, you know,” Fang said.
The captain smirked, and Fang smirked in turn. The captain was always like this after a night of passion. This time, he had collected another future scar from the experience, evidenced by the slash on his side.
“You’re going to be meeting with another company of mercenaries today,” the captain said, cutting to the point.
“You don’t think that us alone are up to the task?” Fang asked, his eye twitching indignantly.
“Not if we want to conquer the minotaurs without being wiped out,” the captain replied.
Fang paused momentarily. He knew too well the fury of minotaurs, having been caught in one of their stampeding raids before he had ever joined the ranks of his one-winged friend. It was an encounter he knew he was only just lucky enough to have survived. And he internally shuddered to think he would encounter them again.
“You’ll be needing Karns’s help to negotiate with the other mercenaries. And take Lobo with you, as well,” the captain continue.
“The greenhorn?” Fang asked.
“Yes,” the captain affirmed. “This simple assignment will be a good start for him.”
“Alright,” Fang agreed. “How do I find these other mercenaries?”
“You’ll know them. They’ll be the only yuan-ti for miles.”
Fang’s ears drooped slightly as he groaned.
“First the bulls. Now the snakes? What makes you so sure that those backstabbing psychos will want to help us?” he wondered.
“Because they hate the minotaurs as much as everyone else. And my discussion with the village chief last night enlightened me to an interesting bit of information,” the captain replied.
“Which is…?” Fang said, egging the captain on.
“The yuan-ti are at war with the minotaurs. And it’s causing everyone a great deal of grief. More so than any little band of griffins and bat ponies could,” the captain explained. “Nobody ever trusts a yuan-ti. But, it’s the minotaurs nobody would ever miss. That’s why we’re going to offer our help to the snakes.”
“And what if they don’t want it?” Fang asked.
The captain’s eye gleamed wickedly.
“Then, we’ll eliminate them both. The land only needs one company of marauders, after all,” he answered.
Fang felt he should have known that answer. And he knew his friend well enough that this was all he needed to know.
“I’ll get to it, then,” Fang said, before he shot into the air with a flap of his wings.
He did not even fly to his destination. It was only his surge of liftoff that he needed to leap over the rooftops and land before the local inn.
When Fang walked inside, his comrades were already awake and taking their breakfast of bread and ale.
Lobo was trying, and failing, to flirt with a buxom barmaid. Fang could not hear what was being said, but could tell that things were not going well for the young newcomer.
Before the barmaid could raise a hoof to slap Lobo’s face, Fang pulled him aside quickly.
“Sorry about him. He’s always like this when he’s had too much to drink,” Fang said.
“‘E ain’t drank nuffin’ yet!” the barmaid said.
“Well, he’s always like this anyway. Excuse us,” Fang said, guiding Lobo away.
Once they were a few steps away, Lobo spoke up.
“What are you doing? I was this close to landing a barmaid!” he said.
“You’ll have to try again later. The captain’s got a job for us,” Fang explained.
“Yeah? What?” Lobo said, barely able to contain his eagerness.
“I’ll fill you in on the way to get Karns. He’s coming too.”
They knew precisely where Karns would be. A gluttonous griffin like him would be right where the food was at its source.
Fang walked down the road, so that Lobo would be able to keep up with him. And it was during this walk that Fang informed Lobo of what they were to do, once they found Karns.
Down the street, they found themselves at the butcher shop. After asking where the scrap refuse was kept, the butcher pointed them around back.
A foul stench reached their nostrils as Fang and Lobo walked around the back of the shop. There, they found a pile of unconsumable animal parts. Laying on top of them, fast asleep, still wearing his pony hide armor and with a bone stuck in his beak was Karns. Next to him, his axe, which he had christened Wolf Blood, lay in the pile with scraps of fresh meat on it.
Fang knew that there was only one way to wake Karns up. He reached out and yanked the bone from Karns’s beak.
Before the bone was even past his beak, the gluttonous griffin chomped hard, snapping the bone in two. He stood up and brandished his axe.
“Take my breakfast, will you! You--You...Fang?” Karns said, as he regained his bearings.
Lobo was still relatively new to the group, and did not fully understand everybody’s quirks and idiosyncrasies. One thing he knew was that nobody came between Karns and his meal.
“What in the name of tripe are you doing here?” Karns asked.
“Captain’s got a mission for us. To train the rookie here,” Fang said, indicating Lobo.
“Rookie?” Karns said, sheathing his weapon and looking at Lobo as if they had never met before. “Oh. Him.”
Lobo huffed indignantly. Even if he was newer than most others, the least that the veterans could do would be to acknowledge him.
Karns creaked to his feet, and hobbled down the pile of bones. His rear legs slipped slightly, before he caught himself.
“Hangover?” Fang asked.
“No...Just a little indigestion. Pig’s hooves don’t sit too well with my stomach. Too solid,” Karns replied. “So, what’s the captain want anyway?”
“We’re going to negotiate with the yuan-ti to help fight the minotaurs,” Lobo answered for Fang.
“You sound a little too eager there, kid. Didn’t think a pony so wet behind the ears would want to face anything like them so soon in their life,” Karns said.
Lobo clenched his teeth, as Karns took one last bite of a pig bone.
“Alright. I’m in. Let’s go,” Karns said.
The three of them walked to the edge of town. All the while, Lobo scowled at the ground.
“Something on your mind, kid?” Karns asked.
Lobo only sighed. Moments passed, and Karns turned his gaze ahead, until his younger companion answered.
“How’s a pony supposed to get any prestige around here? How do you rise in the ranks to prove that you’re not just some greenhorn?” Lobo wondered.
“That? It’s simple. It all depends on how many enemies you kill. Or even who you kill.”
“What do you mean?”
“Here’s a good example: you see Fang there? Do you know why he’s second in command?” Karns said, indicating the bat-pony leading their march.
“No,” Lobo answered.
“It’s because he killed the captain’s brother.”
“He what!?” Lobo could not believe what he heard. In any other case, he knew that two creatures like Fang and the captain should have been bitter enemies. Instead, he had known them to be the best of friends on an off the battlefield. “Luna’s grace! Why would the captain do that?”
“It’s all about power, kid. The captain wants the strongest and the meanest in his band. His brother was one of the best. But, Fang was even tougher. After a half day went by during his duel with the captain’s brother, none of us were sure who was going to win. It was only that Fang had another wind in him, after his opponent had run out that let him win,” Karns explained.
Lobo was silent. A duel that lasted half a day was something he had only heard about in stories told by village elders. His head spun, knowing the company he kept was so dangerous, yet so powerful.
“You mentioned somebody called Luna,” Karns said, snapping Lobo back to reality. “Who is she? Some honey you got back home?”
“No. Luna’s more than a lover or a friend,” Lobo said, his face suddenly glowing. “She is the light in the night sky, who watches over all of her subjects. She loves and protects all who revere her, and offers her blessings to those who prove their worthiness.”
Karns smirked at the sight of the suddenly rosy Lobo.
“And the best part of all is when we die, she poses a riddle to us. A riddle whose answer we learn during our lifetime. If you’re enlightened enough to know the answer, she lets you into her kingdom to become one with the stars, and join all others who passed on,” Lobo continued.
Karns smirk grew as he shook his head. For Lobo, it was unusual for anyone he told to react in such a way. Whoever he told would always look in reverence and awe at the word of Luna, even if they had their own patron god or goddess already.
“I suppose it’s nice to have somebody to watch over you. But, the captain has instilled this belief in us all: only your friends can save you in battle. And with the proper strength, even a god may die,” Karns said, smirking grimly.
Lobo wanted to rebut. He wanted to tell Karns that Luna would never abandon him, and that they would soon forget him if he ever perished in battle. But, he knew that it would be so, even without telling off Karns.
Half a week passed by, and the three mercenaries saw little of their soon-to-be allies. Periodically, Fang or Karns would take to the air, while Lobo waited below, all of them keeping an eye out for any sign of danger from the ground below. Not that he needed to. There was a pretty fair view from the open plains they traveled.
It was soon that being on the ground proved more fortuitous. From the corner of his eye, Lobo thought he had seen something. What he thought looked like an unnatural bit of foliage, which had been pulled down from the treeline of a nearby glen of woods. To him, it warranted an investigation.
Up in the air, Fang and Karns scouted for any sign of the yuan-ti camp. But, their search continued to come up short.
A gust of wind brought something to Karns’s senses. A smell of a campfire cooking meat somewhere in the distance.
Taking it as a good sign, he flew around the bend, and was greeted by the sight of an encampment, nestled on a shelf on the rocky face of a distant hill.
He signalled for Fang to come closer. When his companion took a look, he agreed: that was where they needed to go next.
It was only Fang’s sharply tune sense of danger that alerted him to push Karns, as he darted away from a flying projectile.
For a moment, they thought it had been a spear. But the way that it spun, and the feathered shaft made them realize it was actually a gigantic arrow.
There was only one creature they knew of which could fire an arrow so large. Not wanting to risk a volley of minotaur projectiles, they both dropped to the ground and took cover behind a boulder.
Giant arrows stuck into the ground around them, while others shattered against the rocks that peppered the plains.
“We’ll retreat down the hill!” Fang said, indicating the boulders further down.
He and Karns both ran for the next cover, dodging the deadly rain around them, before taking shelter.
There was a dropoff at the foot of the hill. When they reached there, they would be safe from the minotaurs’ fire.
Exchanging a glance, Fang and Karns both knew that they had to make the run. Survival was their only option for success.
They bolted toward the dropoff. They knew they were nearing the edge of the minotaur’s range, the way their arrows were flying wild. Some, however, still flew dangerously close.
Fang’s sense of danger told him to move. With a flap of his wings, he burst forward, narrowly dodging the massive arrow that nearly pinned him to the ground.
Karns spread his wings, only just as an arrow came plummeting toward him.
There was a sudden blur above him, when Lobo intercepted the arrow, and rolled to the ground before his companions.
Without stopping, Karns pulled Lobo to his hooves and they both ran toward the dropoff after Fang.
There was one last wave of arrows shot at them, just as they all fell out of sight. Lobo, Karns and Fang all landed hard after a ten foot drop. Before them, they could see the giant arrows impaling the ground. Above them, they could hear more arrows breaking against the rocks.
“Move!” Fang said, as he flapped his wings and dashed forward.
Nobody among the band of mercenaries knew how Fang did such a thing, leaving Karns and Lobo to both run as fast as they could, without the aid of their wings.
They were safe enough anyway. The minotaurs could not see where their targets were running, and stopped their assault from their hidden vantage.
The three mercenaries all ran, until they were sure that they would not be followed. Unwilling to take to the sky and risk another attack, they took cover in another small glen of trees.
“Damn them!” Fang cursed, as he caught his breath. “How’d they see us first!?”
With all the arrows that had been fired, the minotaurs clearly had ready supplies. And lots of them. Such a thing should have been visible from miles away.
“They were in the glen to the east,” Lobo explained.
Fang and Karns both looked curiously, silently egging their young companion on.
“I noticed their camouflage they made from the ground, so I went to investigate,” Lobo explained. He paused a moment, then continued to relay what he had found there. “There must have been hundreds of minotaurs there. They had supplies wagons loaded with barrels and weapons. But, the good news is that they only had enough food to last to the end of the week. My guess is that they’re planning a raid to get more.”
For a moment, Lobo felt proud of himself. He had done well in a mission he had not even been assigned, and was awaiting praise from his two superiors. Instead, he was slightly dismayed to see Fang shake his head.
“They think that they’re going to win their little war quickly. They’re stockpiling all of their weapons and armor, ignoring everything else,” Fang corrected. A sort of enlightened smile crossed his face, before he turned to the direction he had seen the distant camp. “Let’s go. The yuan-ti will pay a pretty penny for this information.”
They all started walking, Fang leading with Karns and Lobo close behind.
“See that?” Karns said to Lobo, “That’s another reason Fang’s the captain’s second.”
It was another long trip to the yuan-ti camp. Upon arrival, they were greeted by the points of yuan-ti spears.
“Easy, boys. We just heard that you’re having trouble with some cattle. Thought we could help,” Fang said, without batting an eye.
“Go away! Yuan-ti need no help from you!” one of the guards hissed.
“You do,” Fang said, matter of factly. “You don’t know where the minotaurs are, what they’re planning or how they’re going to pull it off. So, I think your chief would be pretty happy if you let us in.”
“Speak your plans to us! We will tell chief personally!” the other guard said.
“You could,” Fang replied. “Then, you could tell your chief why you abandoned your post, and gave him information secondhand, most of which you’d probably forget along the way. That just means another trip back here to ask again what I told you. Then, when and if you finally remember everything, your chief’s going to want to know who told you, and ask you to bring us to him to verify everything you said. After that--”
“Go in! Go in! Talk to chief!” the guard said, rubbing his temple just thinking about the load of extra trouble following protocol would bring.
“Just tell chief you snuck in!” the other guard hissed.
“Will do,” Fang said, as he led Karns an Lobo into the camp.
Shortly after entering, they could tell they were in a world not their own.
The tents all looked like low domes, barely big enough to admit a pony or a griffin, but large enough for a yuan-ti to coil up inside.
Arrows were fletched from the wood of some darkened trees. The arrowheads were equally dark, and looked glassy.
The soldiers of the camp slithered between poles that were set only inches apart. Each feat was accomplished with incredible speed, and those who did not finish as quickly as their predecessor were met with the sting of a whip.
One yuan-ti sat beside what looked like an enormous dog, whose ears twitched at the sight of the newcomers in the camp.
Lobo warily eye the dog, fearing that if it started barking, the wrath of the serpents would rain down upon them. But, it was not so.
The yuan-ti chief’s tent was clearly marked so, by being the largest of the lot. And that was exactly where Fang was leading his comrades.
Inside the tent, the yuan-ti chief was overlooking a chart of the land. On it, he had circled, and subsequently crossed out all of the possible places the minotaurs were hiding, or where they would strike next.
With an exasperated sigh, he reached over to a bowl of live mice he had been snacking on, and lifted the bowl to his lips as if it were full of water. What he found instead was that the bowl was empty.
The yuan-ti chief hissed furiously, and looked around to see whoever had stolen the last of his mice. What he saw were three strangers. One of them, a griffin with an axe on his back, was just slurping down the tail of a mouse, then swallowed his mouthful.
“Boy. Those little feet are cold going down,” Karns said, as he licked his talons.
Between the intrusion and the presumptuous theft of his mice, the yuan-ti chief was angrier than he had been in days. Quicker than lightning, he slithered over to the intruders, fangs bared and sword drawn.
Fang quickly drew his spear and blocked the serrated blade of the chief. He dodged back after the next blow.
“You come to my camp!” the chief hissed, as he swung at Lobo, who jumped up to the table to avoid the blow.
The chief flipped the table, forcing Lobo to jump to the ground.
“You intrude in my tent!” the chief continued, slicing madly at whoever was within reach. He turned to attack Karns. “You eat my mice!!”
Karns simply blocked every successive blow with the broad side of his axe.
“This is how creatures die!!” the chief said, as he drew his sword back to thrust at Karns.
The chief’s sword was suddenly pinned to the ground by the flat of Fang’s spear.
“No disrespect was meant. But, we’ve been looking for you a long time. Karns here just needed a little extra nourishment,” Fang said.
“I’ll give you your nourishment!” the chief hissed, baring his poisonous fangs.
“And we’ll accept it. After we’ve told you how to get the better of the minotaurs,” Fang said.
The chief’s fury suddenly subsided. In a moment, the tent burst open, and more yuan-ti slithered in with their weapons drawn.
The chief hissed something in a language none of the mercenaries understood. Whatever he had said, the other yuan-ti were suddenly at ease, and backed away. However, they did not leave the opening of the tent.
The chief too sheathed his weapon, followed by the three intruding mercenaries.
“What is it you know?” the chief inquired.
“We know that you’re having trouble with the minotaurs. And we have information about them that you might find interesting,” Fang continued.
For a moment, the chief was silent. After what seemed an eternity, he spoke.
“What kind of information?” he said.
“The kind that doesn’t come cheap, I’m afraid. If you really want the edge on those cattle, you’ll have to pay.”
The chief clenched his teeth, sending drops of venom dripping to the floor.
“You mercenaries are all the same! Nothing but greed and blood to your kind!” he hissed.
“Same to you,” Fang casually said, earning a menacing glare from the chief.
Lobo watched carefully, ready to make a run for it when the signal came.
No such signal came. Slowly, the yuan-ti chief uncurled his lips and said very slowly, “What is it you know?”
Though long and arduous, the negotiations went precisely as Fang planned them to. They were walking back to Mac Lir, and with a chest full of treasure to boot.
Lobo thought that for a first real assignment, it had been easier than he thought it would. Even if Karns made him carry the heavy treasure box.
The smell of smoke reached their nostrils. In the distance, they could see that the village of Mac Lir was now in flames.
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I came here on your request for feedback. Just looking at the title page, I can already see problems.
9644327
Well if you see any problems tell me
9644330
I'll tell you more in a bit, when I'm on a PC.
9644344
OK
9644349
See you then.
OK. The first issue I can see is the description. It makes no grammatical sense, and has a different meaning to what you probably intend. Here's an alternative;
A band of mercenaries, composed of griffons and bat ponies and led by a one winged griffon are on a quest for cold hard cash, killing whatever gets in their way.
9644491
That sounds awesome
9644509
Hope it helps. I'd also advise getting some cover art.
9644513
I like to get some cover art but I don't have the money for it
Try looking on DeviantArt. I typed MLP Mercenaries into the search box and got the following result:
https://www.deviantart.com/popular-all-time/?section=&global=1&q=mlp+mercenaries&offset=0
9644518
I'm I allowed to copy to paste it or i'm ask them to use their work
9644524
All you need to do is download one you like, then use the 'insert art' button. Nothing to it, really.
9644527
really
9644528
Yeah. Give it a go.
9644529
is this good
9644575
Gets the idea across.
9644581
I hope so
9644586
I'll give your chapters a look now.
9644587
cool
9644588
From what I've read thus far, I'd leave them.
9644590
what do you mean
9644593
As they are.
Your prose is decent enough. If anything, improve your short and long descriptions. Appeal to the reader's self-interest. Try to present a hook on why should read your fic. More than that, however, learn how to market yourself better, and you'll find the means to improve all your other issues.
Hope this helps at all.
~ Yr. Pal, B
9644590
Thank you. I edited them myself.
9645043
No problem. I assume this is the type of 'editing' you did with LonelyFanboy48s 'work'.
9645275
Not even close. This author knows what they're doing. Just tidy some paragraphs, touch up the dialogue, and it's good to go.
9645410
Ah. That's a relief. The description was a little messy, but apart from that it's very good.
9644852
How do I market myself also Thank you for the feedback
dnd commode!