- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
CrimsonEquine
Improvement is a dire mistress.
CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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9355703
What?
9355713
Oh I get it you are trolling me, good one.
9355807
Thanks for the constructive criticism, I will take it into heart and try to work with what you told me and try my best to fix this problem. But could you be more specific to what the descriptors were lazy? I thought they were a fine fit to the tone of the story.
9355807
This stuff never gets old.
cndajin.com/data/wls/201/18405302.jpg
Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
9358673
The concept seems just fine, it's the poor grammar and sentence structure that I think is doing it. I honestly couldn't get past the first couple paragraphs before it became too painful.
Bleeding Sequine, give https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide a read, and/or get an editor to go over this with you, I think that'll help you immensely.
9358926
what!? but I got grammarly, should be good?
9359169
Remember, grammar isn't *just* placement of commas, periods, spelling, etc. It also includes syntax-in other words, the placement of words in a sentence to make that sentence well formed-as well as semantics (the meaning of words), morphology (the structure of words), and phonology (the sound of words). Grammar is the entire structure and sound of a whole language, so while yes your punctuation marks are all appropriate, it's the way your sentences are built that's the issue, both placement of words and specific word choice. Also, this isn't meant to be mean, it's meant to be constructive criticism, so apologies if my initial comment came across as overly douchey.
That link I posted in the other comment goes more in depth in explaining how to structure a sentence so that it reads well, and gives specific examples of what to do vs. what not to do (as well as examples of a lot of other do's vs. don'ts). Give it a good read and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about better, if my above clarification didn't help enough.
You got potential, just gotta refine it, mate.
9359220
I read it just now.
Going to check what I did wrong now.
If I may offer you some additional criticism, your descriptions lack any real substance. Although I did understand what was going on, everything felt like it was over before it began. In other words, it read like:
"Twilight was horny. She flirted. They had sex. The end."
Instead, you should take more time to draw each description out, so as to dramatize the events as much as possible. In general, you should NEVER write any event in just one or two sentences, unless you are describing something minor. If it's important, draw it out. Here's a perfect example of what I am talking about:
Such descriptions are fairly flat and boring. (Please don't take this as an insult. I'm just pointing this out to be constructive.) Instead, consider something more like:
That said, this isn't the only paragraph that suffers from from this. This is merely one example of the problem this story has. Also, my above example correction could probably be drawn out even more, perhaps adding an extra three or four paragraphs, if I were willing to spend more time on it. And there lies the challenge with any good writing: you have to spend A LOT of time on it, in order to the story to be the best it can be. I don't know how much time you spend on this story, but it *feels* like you rushed it.
I'm not a super-duper accomplished writer (heck, I've only written one story on this site, and it's not even complete as of the time this comment was written), but I've found that the best way to dramatize the story is to re-read from start to finish, and look for anything that can be added to a sentence or paragraph without ruining what's already there. Then, I read it over again, and add more to it. Then do it again. And again. And again. And again.
Also, I don't even bother relying on tools like Grammarly. Instead, what I do, and what I suggest all writers do, is learn as much about grammar as possible from as many sources as possible, so that your grammar becomes good enough for you to catch your own mistakes. There are plenty of good websites out there for you to read, so don't be afraid to take advantage of that.
Another thing I suggest you do is simply read as many fiction works as you can. Pay close attention to the way other writers structure their sentences and paragraphs, as well as which words they use, and the context in which those words are used. (A phrase like "ding dong", when used to refer to a penis, is generally used as a joke. You seemed to use it as a serious term, which is probably not a wise idea.)
And one more thing: I don't think Twilight (or any other character for that matter) would fall asleep from receiving a mouthful of sperm. Maybe if Big Mac gave her a really powerful orgasm of her own, perhaps using either his hooves or his mouth (or both), that could cause her to become tired, but merely swallowing sperm wouldn't do any such thing. (Also, although males can't orgasm more than once, many authors like to take artistic liberty, and have them cum multiple times anyway. Therefore, you could have Big Mac get hard again, and have him and Twilight engage in full-on intercourse if you wanted. Most readers won't complain, since they're likely to be used to seeing that in erotic fiction anyway.)
I hope you found this reeeaaally long comment useful. If writing is your passion, keep doing it, and don't stop improving. (If it's not your passion, then do whatever is your passion, I guess.)
9377767
You took the words right out of my mouth, other than what you were saying about Grammarly. I do believe writers, or people in general, should pick up on their own mistakes, but even so, I have the free version of Grammarly downloaded to help catch the minor ones that take to much time to pinpoint when making a final draft. I think you should give Grammarly a try anyway. I think that because Grammarly can sometimes act as a tutor.
What I do to practice is occasionally edit stories by quoting a paragraph and highlighting a misspelled word, or something similar, and giving a fixed or revised version underneath. While I think I’m pretty good at editing on the go, and being able to find them without Grammarly later on, it still comes in handy from time to time. For one thing, before I got Grammarly I thought “grammar” was spelled with one “m,” and I frequently misspelled “misspelled,” which as you can guess was embarrassing to find out.
So basically, I think you should give Grammarly a try.
9422326
TBH, I don't trust tools like Grammarly. Putting aside the possibility that some people might treat it as the only thing they need to have perfect grammar ("Grammarly said it was right, so it must automatically be right."), there is one major problem inherit in all internet-based software services: unchecked power. I don't like using proprietary software on my computer, as proprietary software means that the user has to deal with any anti-features the developer decides to implement. If a developer decided to add surveillance to a program, the user has only two choices: accept the surveillance or reject the program/service.
Thus, the software has a degree of control over the user, and some programmer has control over the program, and by extension anyone who uses the program. In this respect, proprietary software that runs on internet servers gives those who write the software and those who run the servers the ability to implement things like DRM, justice-denying arbitration clauses, the right to deny service to users with little-to-no warning, the ability to conduct enough surveillance to make even the most power-hungry dictator salivate, and create backdoors onto the user's system (and those are merely the injustices I can think of off the top of my head).
On top of which, an unintended server failure could temporarily make such services inaccessible. Likewise, a decision to shut down a server permanently could eliminate that service altogether. Both of these scenarios (especially the former) could happen with only a few seconds notice, if any.
On the flip side, if you have a completely free+libre+open-source program running locally, and said program doesn't even need the internet to function, this dangerously one-sided power structure disappears entirely. If some download server goes down, that still sucks, but at least those already using the software can continue using it, and perhaps share it with others who need it. Also, if a new version has some aspect the user doesn't like, said user often has the option to use an older version instead. Try doing that with some "cloud" service like Grammarly!
If one does want to use electronic tools to check their grammar, I suggest that person look at either OpenOffice or LibreOffice (I prefer the latter, myself). They both have spell checking and grammar checking features, and although I have no idea how well these features work in practice, at least I still have my freedom.
web.archive.org/web/20190129040834/http://www.thedailyvox.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/freedom_braveheart.jpg
PS: misspelling "misspelled" is not actually a grammatical mistake. Rather, it is a spelling mistake, which is not really the same thing. Just saying.
9427951
You know things! I bow down to you, good sir. Grammarly does have drawbacks, like many similar tools, I’ll admit. I use it sparingly to help learn how to write better, like this guy:
Sharing the Joy of Sushi | Grammarly
I haven’t had many problems so far, which is surprising since the version I use is free. I know that Grammarly isn’t always correct, and in fact is often wrong or doesn’t catch the mistake, but when it’s right I’m glad to have gotten Grammarly to catch it for me. If you don’t want to use it, that’s fine. You do you, as they say. You brought up some good points, and if there’s nothing else to talk about, then it’s been nice talking with you!
I’m probably going to stick with Grammarly though.
9428136
While I still don't agree with your choice, I do respect that it is indeed *your* choice. Also, for what it's worth, I do agree that Grammarly can help people learn from their mistakes, so there is still some value in it. Still, I don't trust it, so I guess I'll keep doing what I do, while you continue to do what you do.
BTW:
I love the way you put that.