Second Time's the Charm

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Comments ( 12 )

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Shakespearicles

Shakespearicles #1 · Jan 17th, 2016 · 23 · ·

Don't blink, or you'll miss it.

Derpys Muffin Dealer

Derpys Muffin Dealer #2 · Jan 17th, 2016 · 1 · ·

10/10

Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper #3 · Jan 17th, 2016 · · ·

Very dank.

Mix-up

Mix-up #4 · Jan 17th, 2016 · 1 · ·

great story

Hopeful_Ink_Hoof

Hopeful_Ink_Hoof #5 · Jan 17th, 2016 · 11 · ·

I find it lacking. The sex itself is short and quick, with little to no detail to it. And Shining Armor's change of mind is very abrupt. One moment he's saying they couldn't or shouldn't, and -- after a quick memory of what happened the first time -- he completely changes his mind about it.

Crescent Glaive

Crescent Glaive #6 · Jan 18th, 2016 · · ·

Well, it is said that "Love knows no bounds"

Soo~...
having sex with someone you love, is a form of love...

LegionofPony

LegionofPony #7 · Jan 19th, 2016 · 3 · ·

As Hopeful Ink Hoof said, this story is kinda lacking. It's too brief and sparing with the details. Slow it down, tell us what they're thinking, how they feel. Then what they physically feel, and not just the bland actions only. Detail and variation are vital in a story, hell any writing.

So first, Shining is hesitant about making another foal with his mother, yet in a second he's agreeing with her demand and getting to it after remembering making his sister during their first time. That's, like, a total 180 on a HUGE life decision in a matter of seconds.

Second, as said before, everything intercourse-related is done and over with in just over 3 paragraphs, and that's counting the sentence-long speaking sentences. That's 408 words. C'mon, at least give us something nice please! I love this couple, and want to see of them being intimate for more than just over four hundred words!

And finally, the sentence structuring and punctuation could use some work. While it's not unreadably bad, it is noticeable for people with an eye for it.

Also, the couple of sentences of their past sex was kind of disappointing as well. I would have loved to have seen that fleshed out into a scene of its own, or would love to see it in a future sequel-prequal.

All and all however, this story's a pretty generic and basic 'love' story of incestuous lust, but one of a couple I liked. 5/10

Black--Soul

Black--Soul #8 · May 29th, 2019 · · ·

Very nice Build up... But the action was a bit short ...

V8 #9 · Mar 27th, 2020 · · ·

6851386
Whatever. You're probably going to forget it in a few days. It's not like this story is forever glued into our minds and such.

LegionofPony

LegionofPony #10 · Mar 27th, 2020 · · ·

10150120
Necroing an over four old, constructive criticism comment...sure, I'll bite. Yeah, you're right, I honestly don't remember this story after four years, but, after a reread, the comment is still as true as the day I made it. I only hope the author took what was intended from that comment and uses it to improve on any future works they may do.