CrimsonEquine
Joined 7th Oct, 2012 ·
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I like it, I really do... but some of these interactions between your characters feel forced.
As in, if Anonymous knows that mentioning his father will trigger his Mother, why even mention it? Especially after it squashes a full of month of progress. Little stuff like that makes it seem as if you just want to jump straight into the conflict and not develop it.
Anyways, you might want to work on that, but other than that good job.
Also,
>your fallopian tube
I'm sure Google will help you understand what's wrong with this pretty soon.
5441618
He didn't know that mentioning the father was going to trigger her. He thought that she had made some recovery and also didn't know that she developed a trigger in the first place.
All he knew was that she was sick because of her father. There was no way he would directly know the trigger existed.
Although thanks for the compliment, it really helps.
Technically, it's second person... Also, I'm pretty sure it should be "Screw Loose".
Also it should be:
Also, in short description it should be "ensue" instead of "insue" (not to mention that "X ensues" is a major turn-off for some readers, but that doesn't matter).
5441675
fixed
O_o what in a burning sea of holy water did I just read? Ahhh!
5441707
Lol,
Should be a space between 'Screw' and 'Loose'
i.imgur.com/Ojm4gaS.jpg
Freud be praised.
This story started pretty good
, but half-way through it seems as if an 8 year old continued to write it.
Even being sleepless for 30+ hours I can spot almost every mistake, which I'll have listed once I hop on my computer later(unless someone else does it before me). But don't take that the wrong way. I liked the story, but there's some cringe-worthy mistakes in this.
5442854 I'm with you on that one.
Well... This was... different.
The grammar was good near the beginning, but faltered at the halfway point. Nothing a simple go-over can't fix.
All and all, for all of this story's strangeness: 7/10
Thats alot incest
"vagoo"
I only know of one man that could come up with that name for the squish mitten.
i get half-way through the chapter and i say this.......
"SAVE ME JESUS FOR MY PHONE IS DEAD AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT READ ON"
"I HAVE A BONER AND IM ASHAMED"
"THE INCEST-CEPTION IS TO MUCH FOR MY PERFECT BRAIN!"
"THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIX THIS!"
1. buy gun from local retail store
2. properly assemble and load gun
3. apply the end of the gun barrel to forehead
4. apply finger to trigger
5. squeeze and hope god forgives you...
FOR THE SIN OF READING THIS FIC!
BTW I ALMOST CRIED..... YOU HAPPY!!??
Good story tho none the less
5683931
thanks man, you can always count on uncle bleedin for all yer needs.
also how often do you hear this:
Im proud of you son/brother for fucking "OUR" mother....
not often you hear that these days :/
There's only one way I can describe this story to someone else: It's a car full of incestuous fetishes that's rolling down a hill. Except the brake lines are cut and the wheel doesn't work and at the end of the hill is a cliff.
10/10 defining literary piece of our generation would fap to again
Definitely my favourite (w)incest fic I have read and clopped about 5 times to this
5445354 go to bread.
5963720 Lol, it been 18 weeks since I posted that comment(and I totally forgot to go through and list all the errors)
5964255 you better have breaded since then.
And that children is how the wrong turn cannibals came to exist, even now they still lurk in the depths of the everfree waiting for anypony foalish enough to traverse into their territory!
There are... SO many things wrong with this story.
Of course, I'm not refering to the incest within the story, I find that incest is my favorite erotic category (why else would I be here reading incest erotica).
I'm more or less refering to the story and the writing itself.
You seem to have a poor understanding of some basic fundamentals of psychology (either that or your characters are a bunch of goddamn idiots).
Biggest pet peev so far is the fact that you named the main character the dumbest, most laziest, most generic name ever used: Anonymous. It completely took away the immersion of the story and made me feel like Screw was being fucked by some asshat on Tumblr
There's a lot that either doesn't make sense or is missing a lot of context (or any context at all) (e.g. what did the Father do exactly and why did he treat Screw so terribly, or why was the main character so quick to mimick his fathers actions despite those actions being the reason his mother is institutionalized in the first place, or why did he opt to break her out (Fucking Splinter Cell: Blacklist style, might I add) of the place she needed to be, and was only beneficial to her, despite being a CEO and could've possibly just retrieved her through legal matters, or perhaps even hired someone else to break in and kidnap her.)
Also, were these characters feral or anthropomorphic? Cause you don't seem to be very clear on which one it is.
And then halfway through... dude... it's like you didn't even try man...
There's just so much wrong with this. BUT I gotta say, the concept is very interesting, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't somewhat erect.
If you would've kept the original story about a young colt comforting his mentally unstable mother who was institutionalized after she had been sexually tormented by her former husband, and whilst in doing so, ended up falling in love with his own mother, who reciprocated those same feelings out of isolation and loneliness, and maybe gotten someone to proofread your work, you might have something magnificent here.
Final score 4/10
(P.S. Possible replacement name for the main character: Oedipus)
6808731
Okay, I can sum up this review with a few words.
I didn't like the direction of the story.
I didn't like the approach the writer has put through the story.
This story was considered fucked up to myself because the content was jarring.
I like to throw my opinion over reviews.
4/10, this is the stories actual merit even though I am biased.
6811046
Actually, I DID enjoy the dircetion you were taking it. Like I said, the concept was very interesting. And again, Incest is, like, my favorite fetish; and in terms of being a clopfic, it was pretty good. The content itself was fine, just your writting and delivery need work.
But, I mean if you're going to ignore the advice and compliments that I DID give you and just act like a child, then be my guest.
I mean, if you can't take the heat, then frankly you shouldn't be on the internet. Welcome to planet Earth: the world's full of criticisms and everyone hates you, it's called being an artist...
Oh and FYI , Reviews ARE opinions...
6811787
ok, coolio.
6812297
I didn't mean to offend. The story most definitely has potential and again is a magnificent clopfic. It just needs work.
6813541
MAGNIFICO
DELICIOSO
PUERTO RICO
I DON'T KNOW
I never thought I would find this when I woke up... But I 'm glad I did.
Damnit, now I gotta stop reading; gettin' too excited for this crap.
Would it be wrong to ask if there could be a sequel to this story?
6808731
No no no, none of that. It needs a naked bathroom selfie covered in its stuff with a fistful of a hundred dollar bills. That shows it likes sex and it's got moneyyy.
Why are you jumping from third to first then back to third person.
6813657
DESPACITO
wat.