A Canterlot Wedding But It's Utter Nonsense

by DmitriTheWriter

You Could Do That, But Why?

Queen Chrysalis stood proud upon the dais, laughing triumphantly at her apparent victory, and said, "Foolish ponies! The love I have consumed from Shining Armor has made me stronger than even Celestia herself! Soon, my vanguard will arrive at the palace, and you shall all be enslaved! Muahahahaha!"

Princess Celestia lay defeated at the foot of the dais, her tiara just out of reach. Every other pony besides Twilight, her fellow Elements Of Harmony, and Princess Cadence fell to the floor, covering their heads with their hooves and trembling with fear. Even Twilight's legs were trembling a bit. "This can't be happening," Twilight said. "There's got to be other unconsidered variables somewhere!"

"Twilight..." Celestia croaked. "You must get to the Elements Of Harmony. They're your only hope."

"The Elements Of Harmony?" Chrysalis asked derisively. "My army already collected them. Face it, I've won!" Chrysalis indulged herself in another triumphant laugh, when suddenly there was a thump on one of the palace windows. "Who was that?" Chrysalis asked, turning her head to try and identify the silhouette in the window. It was almost perfectly square, with a small rectangular protrusion at its top. It slammed against the window again and it was revealed to be a washing machine, which landed on the floor after a perfect somersault.

"Hey everybody!" the washing machine greeted everyone, it's lid flapping as it spoke. "Am I late to the party?"

"Who the hay are you?" Chrysalis asked disgustedly.

"Ah, my apologies, I have not properly introduced myself," the washing machine said. "I am King Ikea of the Washing Machine Kingdom."

"Impossible!" Chrysalis denied. "There is no such thing as a Washing Machine Kingdom!"

"Tell that to my vanguard!" King Ikea said, vaguely gesturing towards the other windows, which promptly shattered against the force of wave after wave of other washing machines, landing at the scene like highly trained commandos.

"What, no!" Chrysalis yelled, backing away from the army of washing machines. "I'm the only one with a vanguard around here!" suddenly, her vanguard of changelings flew in through the now broken windows and immediately began to fight the washing machines. Then, another, more bipedal figure swung in, sporting a pair of khakis, a light blue collared shirt, and a righteous beard.

Chrysalis turned to this two-legged stranger, and said. "And who are you?!"

The stranger inhaled, and began to yell. "HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO SAVE CANTERLOT WITH THE POWER OF OXI-CLEAN!" Billy Mays pulled two spray bottles of Oxi-Clean from his shirt pocket.

"I don't have time for this. Go, my children, attack this foolish biped!" Chrysalis commanded. What changelings were free began to swarm around Billy Mays, who responded by whirling around and spraying Oxi-Clean on any changeling foolish enough to follow their queen's orders. The Oxi-Clean bubbled and steamed on their skins, burning new holes into the changelings as they screamed in agony and retreated.

"AND THAT'S THE POWER OF OXI-CLEAN!" Billy yelled.

"Oh, for the love of my dead mother!" Chrysalis shouted exasperatedly as she charged up a dark green blast of magic and fired it at Billy Mays. Billy sprayed an equally powerful stream of Oxi-Clean her way.

"Come on!" Chrysalis shouted. Once she finished her magic blast, Billy Mays ran up to her and punched her square in the face, knocking her to the ground.

"I..." Twilight and Cadance said in unison.

"Trust me, I don't know either," Celestia said.

"Wait a minute, hold on!" King Ikea realized. "Billy Mays is stealing all my thunder!"

"BILLY MAYS DOES NOT STEAL THUNDER, HE IS THE THUNDER!" Billy Mays boasted as he sprayed a stream of Oxi-Clean at King Ikea. Being a washing machine, though, the Oxi-Clean just ran off the side of him.

"Ha! You should know, Billy, that I am immune to your Oxi-Clean powers! I am invincible! I cannot be vinced!" King Ikea boasted back.

"'Vince' is not a word!" Chrysalis objected.

"I'd like to see you try to vince me!" King Ikea continued, hopping towards Billy Mays and beginning to spar with him. Ikea did quite well, somehow managing to fire off a roundhouse kick with one of his bottom corners.

"Sh-should we leave?" Cadance stammered.

"I think we should," Shining Armor answered as he came down the stairs and swished his hair.

"Oh, thank the heavens, the spell is broken!" Cadance celebrated, walking alongside her fiancee.

"What spell?" Shining Armor asked.

"Yeah, I think we should go too," Twilight said, her, her friends, and Celestia following Shining Armor and Cadance. As the couple opened the large double doors, they were met with two changelings staring them down.

"And where do you think you're going?" the changeling on the right asked, glaring at our protagonists.

"Oh no, we're doomed!" Twilight yelled defeatedly, as everypony else glared at her.

The changeling on the left glanced at the one on the right. "Uh, Steve, do you think we're kind of outmatched here?" he asked.

"I think we are, Dave," Steve said to Dave.

Dave turned to the ponies. "Well, looks like we have to skedaddle!" he said as he flew away along with Steve.

"Well ah'll be," Applejack said. "That was easy!"

"Come on, everypony, let's get out of here. Canterlot is lost," Twilight said.

"Aw, but I didn't even get to see what was up with the island!" Rainbow Dash complained as they walked along, leaving the outrageous fight scene behind them.

About five minutes after they left, King Ikea and Billy Mays got exhausted, and they eventually stopped swinging at each other.

"Truce?" King Ikea offered.

"TRUCE!" Billy agreed, holding his hand out for a handshake before remembering that King Ikea had no hands, then walking away out onto the streets of Canterlot.

"Tovarisch Starlight," a pony began. "Billy Mays is at large in Equestria once again. We need to act fast!"

"Oh, not now, Dmitri," Starlight Glimmer replied, angrily drawing on her paper. "I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. We've lost yet another planet to the Old Spice Nation!"

"But tovarisch, we still control a third of the universe. Is that not enough?" Dmitri asked.

"Yeah, only a third," Starlight said. "If we're going to be true communists, we need to control the entire universe. Now are you a communist or are you a bourgeoisie traitor?!"

"I assure you, tovarisch, I am no traitor," Dmitri assured her.

"Really?" Starlight said, still not convinced. "Sing the communist anthem for me right now!"

"Whatever you think is best, tovarisch," Dmitri said, then cleared his throat. "Soyuz nerushimyy respublik svobodnykh! Spotila naveki Velikaya Rus'..."

Author's Note:

I'm sorry. My easily amused mind demanded it.

Comments

[Zapper Frost]

But... but... you forgot ShamWOW

[Super Trampoline]

9247429
And you just lost the game.

[Zapper Frost]

9247484
cdn5.vectorstock.com/i/1000x1000/11/69/game-over-glitch-vector-18841169.jpg
but seriously tho I do not understand your comment

[Super Trampoline]

Well this happened.

[Super Trampoline]

9247503
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game)

[KamikazeKawaii]

[MasterBlaster]

This...is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen on this sight

[Zapper Frost]

9247578
Huh, I completely forgot that was a thing

[ImmaLemon]

This was hilarious, thank you. I literally laughed out loud.

[Quillamore]

"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO SAVE CANTERLOT WITH THE POWER OF OXI-CLEAN!"

This is begging to be used as a user description.

[Lisa_M]

Fitting tribute for the late Billy Mays. Nicely done, gave me a much needed laugh.

[ThePonyWriterThing]

At first I didn't know about your writing skills but seeing it now Its awesome.
11:59 Pm December 31st

[DmitriTheWriter]

9378765
You can accomplish a lot in 2 hours with a sufficiently powerful creative high.

[ThePonyWriterThing]

9379245
Agreed

[Sunny_and_Auri_23]

I found this in Auri's "hilarious" folder, and was curious. Let me just say that I have never been so happy to be curious; my brain just exploded because of how beautiful this is. King Ikea is my new favourite character.

I'm tired.

[RT Garbage Esq]

I was promised nonsense.
I received nonsense.
I was not disappointed.