- Member Since 15th Sep, 2016
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
xombiekilla
"The clever are not so much looking for loneliness as they avoid the fuss created by fools." - Arthur Schopenhauer
xombiekilla
Joined 15th Sep, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- NeonLights999 · 1.2k words · 20 21 · 766 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.032 seconds
Total duration
1,087 users online
2,476,995 hits today, 2,328,677 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Dear Author: You misspelled Despair in the title.
Damn, you're right, sorry about that! Hold on, let me fix that!
There all fixed!
Despair should be capitalized in the title, since revenge is.
You also misspelled "Chrysalis" in title and description, unless you're trying to make a nautical pun.
I also don't recommend ending titles in exclamation marks unless you intend a really excited feel to them (and this story is supposed to be dark...). That goes for the chapter titles as well, they read very awkwardly as they are; you probably want a colon (":") instead of the first exclamation mark in each.
I really hope you used spellcheck on this story...
9051989
Umm... I did my best! I actually thought that her name was spelt Chrysails. that's what I saw everywhere else.
Well, that wasn't as bad as I expected, honestly. There are far too many little problems with grammar/punctuation to really bother with, so I'll just point out the biggest problems:
9052002
Umm... ok then I can fix everything then thank you!
9051993
Have you gotten checked for dyslexia? It's a common condition that can cause letter swaps when reading.
(Skipped to the end mostly so I could check how it turns out to put it in the proper group folders).
I'm seeing a lot of "Chrysailis" in this chapter, which is an interesting misspelling that at least makes phonetic sense, rather than being a sign you got the letters swapped.
Anyways, this chapter is kind of boring because it rapidly alternates between ponies forced into the plot and ponies facing farts in the plot, without really anything else going on or any real variety in how the characters react.
Not sure what could really be done, since the premise of the fic is just continual fart torture over and over. Normally, clopfics have a tad more variety in them.
Reading more of this shows you have a pretty good vocabulary; on a technical level, you really just need to get better at how to build sentences. Poor sentence construction tends to make a fic harder to follow, and that's the case here.
In conclusion, while this is one of my fetishes, I can't really get much into the fic due to it being a lot of the same thing over and over again with difficulty telling what's going on at the same time.
9052053
Damn... I'll do my best to fix everything. Then it'll be better. Thank you very much.
9052053
I'll update the story and make it even better then i'll have you take a look at it. Sound good bro?
9052159
Of course.
So will there be a good ending?
This went from way too quickly written with run-on sentences, to way to short and comedically bad dialogue to the cheesiest evil villain acting I've ever read. The end was absolutely atrocious. I understand it's fetishy, but come on, man. Put some effort into it!
This is so bad it's hilarious.
9052283
Welp... i'll do some fixing up on it later, for now i'm taking a break, it'll almost be completely done. Sorry for the wait.
9052276
When I finish the rest of the editing, i'm thinking about it.
There! I've fixed everything. I hope it'll make the story better to read. i'm doing my very best to improve.
9052406
I'm working on the good ending now. The the whole thing will be finished. It's almost finished now guys.
Well, it's obvious parts of this were changed, but I think you left too much intact. One problem in the beginning is that Chrysalis does a lot of her monologuing after taking flight, when it would make more sense to speak of it just as she's thought of the plan, not in the middle of enacting it.
So, one thing that I notice a lot in poor structuring is the pattern shown here:
The problem is that the narration and dialog together obsess over a simple, if important, detail. While AJ should certainly say something about being paralyzed (and Chrysalis should respond), the narration telling us about it too more than once is too much. Here's how I would rewrite it:
AJ still acts too much like Twilight towards the end. It's really not in her character to suddenly offer friendship. She'd either remain indignant or be too busy begging for Chrysalis to leave her family alone.
Also, I'd recommend italics over asterisks for mild mid-sentence actions.
9052878
Umm ok then. I'll see what I can do after I finish the good ending.
9052283
Ok I finished the good ending now. And I took your advice too. If this isn't alot of effort, I don't know what is.
9052878
Ok I finished this whole story, fixed Applejack's personality, corrected any errors. And finalized the good ending!
Please if it wouldn't be too much to ask. At least talk to me before you go and sort my content around please. Again; I would never do that to anybody else. If I put effort and work into something, then i'd like to have a say in what happens to it. That's not asking for too much is it?
Repetitive.
9067554
Well to be fair bud, the story warning in the description does pretty much sum up everything that this story and it's chapters are about. That's usually what the warnings are for, to tell other people what to expect inside of said story. No offense.
nice
10615743
Thanks. I mean this is honestly not my best work, not by far.
this is so good