Chrysails is a very vindictive ruler, she'll stop at nothing to get back at anypony who would dare to defy and/or get in the way of her plans. The Mane 6 are no exception to that rule.
Well, that wasn't as bad as I expected, honestly. There are far too many little problems with grammar/punctuation to really bother with, so I'll just point out the biggest problems:
Applejack doesn't talk very much like Applejack. She's also a bit too afraid of fart torture for a pony who probably deals with manure more often than any other pony on the show, and a bit too much into trying to reform Chrysalis with an offer of friendship. Overall, you wrote her character more like Twilight would act.
Sentences run on and on. You need to break them up more. Similarly, don't say "Chrysalis did x, y, z, and then a, and then b, while doing c." It really makes it hard to follow.
Chrysalis talks a bit oddly too. Most people don't say "I got the most perfect plan.", they'd say "I've got the most perfect plan.", but even that's unbefitting the way she talks (a little bit more regally). Chrysalis would say something more like "Oh, I simply have the most dastardly plan for those wretched elements of harmony!"
The word "a" turns into "an" before a vowel sound (while this is a grammar issue, it's one that actually makes things sound bad).
Well, it's obvious parts of this were changed, but I think you left too much intact. One problem in the beginning is that Chrysalis does a lot of her monologuing after taking flight, when it would make more sense to speak of it just as she's thought of the plan, not in the middle of enacting it.
So, one thing that I notice a lot in poor structuring is the pattern shown here:
Then she charged up a paralysis spell to keep her new (toy) where it should be, underneath her, where she belongs.
Once that is done the farm pony's body went all stiff, unable to move her body at all, causing her to wake up.
"W-what in tarnation, why can't I move my body?" Said Applejack in a almost panic state, her true night terror, staring her in the face, with a sinister smile, filled with silght anger and mostly sultry in her eyes and said.
"Because you foolish pony, you're under the effects of my paralysis spell, lovely isn't it?" Asked the queen.
The problem is that the narration and dialog together obsess over a simple, if important, detail. While AJ should certainly say something about being paralyzed (and Chrysalis should respond), the narration telling us about it too more than once is too much. Here's how I would rewrite it:
Then, she cast a paralysis spell to keep her new toy where she belongs: underneath her. The magical surge awoke the farmpony.
"H-huh...what in tarnation, why can't I move?" Said Applejack in a mild panic. Her panic grew as she realized her true nightmare was staring her in the face with a sinister smile and slightly angry, but mostly sultry, eyes.
"Because, you foolish pony, you're under the effects of my paralysis spell. Lovely, isn't it?" Asked the queen.
AJ still acts too much like Twilight towards the end. It's really not in her character to suddenly offer friendship. She'd either remain indignant or be too busy begging for Chrysalis to leave her family alone.
Also, I'd recommend italics over asterisks for mild mid-sentence actions.
Well, that wasn't as bad as I expected, honestly. There are far too many little problems with grammar/punctuation to really bother with, so I'll just point out the biggest problems:
Well, it's obvious parts of this were changed, but I think you left too much intact. One problem in the beginning is that Chrysalis does a lot of her monologuing after taking flight, when it would make more sense to speak of it just as she's thought of the plan, not in the middle of enacting it.
So, one thing that I notice a lot in poor structuring is the pattern shown here:
The problem is that the narration and dialog together obsess over a simple, if important, detail. While AJ should certainly say something about being paralyzed (and Chrysalis should respond), the narration telling us about it too more than once is too much. Here's how I would rewrite it:
AJ still acts too much like Twilight towards the end. It's really not in her character to suddenly offer friendship. She'd either remain indignant or be too busy begging for Chrysalis to leave her family alone.
Also, I'd recommend italics over asterisks for mild mid-sentence actions.
9052878
Umm ok then. I'll see what I can do after I finish the good ending.