My name's Vinyl, or the one, the only DJ Pon-3! Or, at least that's who I used to be. That crazy, party hard, carefree pony who always stood behind the table and spun records is gone. I used to cry about that bygone age in my life, but now I see only to what's still in store; what else I can do with my life.
What, oh my turn. Yeah, I'm Octavia. You probably know me from when I played the cello, or maybe you know me from when I play on the corners. Either way I'm thinking of burning that stupid thing, the Friday night meals really aren't worth the trouble of keeping that thing stored. Other than that you might have stopped by my little store, or seen me with my friend BD. So, that's about it, now get on with it before I make you.
(Try reading the story even if the description wasn't great because I can't write description) Really, I can't write descriptions at all
Edited by D00mf1sh
(Things are more normal after the 1st chapter)(marked teen in the interest of me probably going into some things)
Cover compiled by me; elements by
http://up1ter.deviantart.com/ (Vinyl)
http://zedrin.deviantart.com/ (Octavia)
This is a very interesting take on a standard romance.
It'll be the first I've read where the characters actually were homeless, instead of dangerously close.
There are a few typos, but nothing that really disrupted the reading. I did notice a few run-on sentences. Watch those things, they can get away from ya pretty easily. There's also a lot of perspective shifting, and while I can tell them apart as her thoughts its better to break those down into new paragraphs or simply differentiate them with italics. I also think the reference to Vinyl's predicament could have been done better, it took me a few rereadings of that section to understand what was going on.
All in all I'd love to see this continue, both for the plot and your inevitable improvement. There's a LOT of potential here and I'd love to see it realized.
>>d00mf1sh
Trust me, I'm going to make this as far away from a standard romance as I can
Also I really don't have editors, and don't look things over hard, so yeah, I can see there being lots of mistakes
Not to mention those moments where my brain starts working faster than my hands and there's a random gap in the sentence that makes it make absolutely no sense; those are my favorite to edit because sometimes I have to read the contexts clues countless time before I realize what I was going to say myself...
This is a wicked improvement. Still a few typos, but just grammar this time. The formatting is a massive improvement from last chapter. This chapter is longer as well, I like that.
I find your take on Vinyl amazingly refreshing, and still very much realistic. The personalities you've created for these two isn't as black and white biased as the traditional take on them. You're the first I've found to imbue Vinyl with a love of learning, as well as to give Octavia a less-than-pristine track record.
I'm not sure if you find my overly-detailed comments annoying or helpful, but whatever. I see too much potential not to try
>>d00mf1sh
No, I love your feedback, and I'm pretty sure the growing chapter size is going to keep growing, though I'm going to keep focusing on the quality over quantity. And I thought that their styles were over done, so I made a crazy back story that ended with them as different people. I am going to enjoy writing those chapters.
When I started reading this, I was expecting a really lame backstory involving an ex. You're originality NEVER ceases to surprise me, you always seem to have a twist in store the moment I think I got it nailed down. Touche.
Nowhere near as many mistakes as last time, you are rapidly improving. The second-to-last sentence was a run-on of epic proportions though. And a second run-through shows only one noticeable typo: "Nothing alcoholic is you want this place..." I'm guessing that's supposed to be an 'if' not an 'is'?
All in all, you've stayed true to your word, definitely different. I like your style, and if you want I'd be happy to be your editor. Just lemme know in a PM and we can work something out.
I think a mustache is in order:
Edit: more like five, so have 4 more!
It is stories such as these that make myself proud to be considered in the same fan base. Your previous chapters were more than noteworthy but going from the point of view of an inanimate object. I never thought I would see this. While some of the dialogue confuses me in terms of who is saying what and why it is easy to ignore. This story, however, is incredible the amount of originality in not only character development but in mood and delivery as well. You sir deserve a prize for these innovations. Keep writing and never stop.
Looking forward to anything you have planned.
Sincerely;
The Fictional Critic
>>Fictional Critic
Thank you so much, I'm happy to hear you're enjoying this because it's the reason I'm still up. Actually it's funny, both the last chapters were going to be small sections in a future chapter, but I brought them out because the difficulty I'm having with trying to add depth to a character (Octavia) who is meant to be shallow.
This. encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRIjewq2s9Zkv9ffBub8BGdT8YAGU-bl0D_0yVZkmFv864pPpkp2g
While I will openly admit to understanding every word of this, that is not a good thing seeing as I am speaking from first hand experience, I find it difficult to believe that others will comprehend what you have here. While the story is good in most, if not all, aspects. I simply can not help but wonder if it was really necessary for you to mention your thoughts/ideas about time and death. So I will refrain from mentioning it now but I really need to see further explanation and integration of those ideas into the remainder of the story. With how difficult and abstract as those ideas are I am cautiously looking forward to the remainder of the story.
Sincerely;
The Fictional Critic.
1060297
Well for one those really aren't my thoughts about time and death, they were brought about by the last few lines, and more specifically, the source location of them. I was thinking through the series and remember the conversation from which I derived those lines, and I thought it fit well enough in.
If you want to watch the actual lines, go to 19:30 in this video
And as for further explanation, that probably will pop up in the up coming chapter, as it will focus on Octavia.
Okay so this was fully of Avatar the last airbender quotes, and I approve
. But seriously “Octavia, time is an illusion, past, present, and future are just words. In our minds we see visions of ponies we’ve lost, ponies we’ve loved, ponies we think are gone, but our mind tells us their not. We’re still connected to them; because time is an illusion, and so is death.” got that from the swamp episode didn't you. But anyway great fic, quite a new take on things, which is quite awesome. Can't wait to see more 
.
sadly it wasnt that confusing, at least to me anyway i guess that says something about how my mind is doesn't it.
intreasting start...
I implore you to write more.
1839335
okay
That was.. odd. Also refreshing though, which is what I've come to expect from you.
It took me a bit to understand exactly where Octy was once you transitioned back to reality, and the introduction of Nimbus thoroughly baffled me until I figured out where it was set.
If this story were in a more standard style I would viciously attack your murky timeline. However, this entire piece thrives on the jarring realizations created from such inconsistencies.
Should be chord.
I'm assuming you forgot the n for in.
Those were two little things I noticed just skimming through.
In the end, I can definitely say you've improved dramatically since chapter one. I look forward to seeing more.
Okay. This chapter threw me for a complete loop. I mean, I went back and reread all the other chapters to try to get my bearings.
Here are some of the things that got me:
1) The first chapter you had about Octavia, she was living in an alley, working for a drug dealer and running a black market. Now she is in prison. And for something unrelated to the previous chapter.
2) The stallion was in prison for 5 accounts of manslaughter from an accidental house fire. And he pleaded guilty to it? Even if I felt responsable for that accident, I wouldn't plead to 5 manslaughters. I guess you could be refering to involuntary manlaughter, and if so that should really be clarified.
3) Octavia was there for 1 account of manslaughter from an accidental drowning. And she also pleaded guilty to manslaughter. For hers, the most I would think she would get is negligent homocide. Although I guess a bathtub drowning can be considered negligent homicide/invluntary manslaughter.
4) She was working as a maid for a rich couple (cuz poor folk ain't got maids). Now, you could say she got the job while living on the streets but come on. What rich folks gonna hire a mare off the streets? Plus, she obviously ain't got connections or else she probably wouldnt be on the streets in the first place. And if she did only have the job because someone decided to help her out (or her parents forgave her or whatnot), you'd think she would be carefull and not do something like leave a baby in the bathtub unsupervised. I know its real and happens, but she would be on real thin ice.
5) the conversation about how long she was in there is confusing. It was hard to distinguish who was talking.
6) Now, this was just an observation. This chapter was in third while the rest were in first person. Any particular reason.
7) She was in a male/female prison? While I don't doubt they exist I woulndt doubt they aren't that common. Or are for high class criminals like murderers.
If you see anything that I put as wrong, point em out. It was that she was in prison and why that really got me. Sorry.
1847401
Well, first thanks for reading and commenting.
I'm going to go down the list in order,
1) That was my failure to translate my thoughts onto paper, thank you for pointing that out. The premise of one line in the last chapter was to clarify that the previous chapters were lies the Octavia told to other inmates. I have gone back and corrected that.
2) added involuntary (see *)
3) changed it to negligent homicide, had no idea a criminal offence existed that was exactly what I want her to do (see *)
4) A flashback chapter explaining how she ended up as a maid is forth coming, and point 1 explained how the street life was a fabrication
5)added more tags in that conversation
6)The other story I've been writing is in third person, so I blame that, but it's weird because I started the next chapter and it's first person.
7)well you got me here. I just kind of did that on a whim and going to classify that as something that's different in Equestria.
* alright this is what I was thinking when I said they plead guilty- your agreement, that you wouldn't do anything like that, I agree with, neither would I. Only an extremely moral person would. Which lead to my derision in choosing to writing that. Ponies seem to act more morally so I figured that they might do the right thing. but for the stallion it was more who was watching him and I'm going to clarify that now. Octavia worked on more just morals
1849269
Glad to see you actually cared about what I put. I will go back and reread the chapter when you update it.
Also, I would have pleaded guilty for involuntary manslaughter in Tavis case. Probably not in the dudes case cuz that's bullshit he got charged with it. Negligent homicide is a death because of reckless behavior or while commiting another crime. I guess he could've had a dick judge.
And, that first Tavi chapter being her lie? If I read that right. I could see that working. Smooth.
It is strange, but also interesting. I will be waiting to see what happens next.
I will love you forever if you can get me a source for your cover art.
1598030 very, very interesting start...
Confusing at first til I found out that it was in her mind
