• Member Since 22nd May, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Nebbie


Prone to extreme analysis, wild ideas, and grossness.

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Source

Applejack goes to Manehattan to catch up with the Oranges and solve a friendship problem. Turns out, she's become set in her uncouth ways, and has the situational awareness of a piece of lint. Luckily, Babs is there to help.

Takes place sometime during Season 8.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 8 )

Not a bad start. This is a good idea for a story, I have to say, but I will say, this bit here --

Something about Babs needing to be taught how to be a high-class pony. She shrugged, figuring it was nothing.

Clunky. One of the cardinal rules of writing is "show, don't tell." If Applejack hears something of an argument, then show us what that argument is. Even if it's just a sentence or two, that's better than nothing. Let us know a bit of what's being said, that puts the reader more into the story and what's going on there.

Still, this is a decent start, and I am interested to see where it goes from here.

A little odd to see some of the - content... in this chapter, but at the same time, not as bad or off-putting as it could have been. And I while, AJ's "brown thunderstorm" line cracked me up. :rainbowlaugh: I could totally hear her say something like that! XD

8985543
Might do a slight revision of it; the intent as you can probably tell is to have everything from Applejack's PoV, but to have the detail in so you can figure out what's going on better than she does, which this bit almost works for.
EDIT: I put in some actual dialog there that should serve the story much better.

8985558
AJ's wild and wacky metaphors are for me some of the hardest parts of Mane 6 dialog; I'm glad I did right for her little observation.

:rainbowlaugh: Oh dear! Y'know, I didn't expect the gag with Swift Sale approving of AJ's appetite. Nice gag there, didn't expect that. Thought for sure the dinner would be a disaster from start to finish XD

Not a bad conclusion. I'm not really into the whole kissing-cousins thing with Babs and Blood, but it wasn't a major focus, so not a dealbreaker for me here.

And anyway, there was this gem of a line:

Applejack giggled. "Ya'll can be cuter than a bunch of bunnies ridin' puppies, y'know?"

9003628
Good to know. I mostly felt it was a departure because it's not very comedic (altho still very light-hearted) and was getting away from the core premise. Perhaps that's actually a good thing, to add variety.

9000928
A funny note here is that when I came up with Swift's dialog in the supper redo, I originally thought about putting that in by itself, but thought it was too cheesy/overused, so I came up with another saying that'd be unique (inspired by the saying "children should be seen and not heard"). The new saying, however, fit perfectly with that saying, so I put the two together.

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