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What was the rest of Equestria doing while the Friendship Council sought the aid of the Hippogriffs during those 3 fateful days? This is the story of the unsung heroes of the land, for without their aid, it could have been a lot more worse...
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Awesome!
Hmm. So you're saying the reason that the entire guard was absent was because Discord took a training exercise too far? I suppose that's one explanation. Shining having to tend to the baby makes far too much sense.
I do have a few complaints. Characters are a wee bit too wordy at times, and you often seem to have trouble with tenses and making it clear who's talking when. I'm not one hundred percent sure the flashback to show how Chrysalis outsmarted them was necessary...on the other hand, it's more than we actually got in the series, so kudos for that. Let's see where this goes.
Well now, that was an impressive showing for Moondancer and Blueblood. I never thought of Moondancer being a freaking samurai.
Again, some minor grammatical issues, tense trouble, characters are too wordy (yes, I know, I don't have a leg to stand on), and it's difficult to tell who's talking. As for the wordiness, you can convey explanations just as easily in text or thoughts, having them blurt all that out loud to themselves seems awkward.
Huh. A reference to Guardians of Harmony. Wasn't expecting that.
Those are some pretty nifty armor and swords. And a cool train as well. Not the sort of thing I expected to see in Equestria, honestly.
Nitpicks are the same as the last few chapters. Also, there's no need to have multiple exclamation points or question marks. A '?!' is one thing, but extra ! or ? looks weird.
Yeah, the sonic gliders were dumb. I like specialized armor better.
Why do they have Star Wars?
Similar nitpicks to before. If Spitfire is self-aware enough to recognize that Rainbow will probably save them all like usual, exactly what use does she think she and the other pegasi will be if they'll inevitably be saved by the girls like always?
Aside from the problems like the last chapters and grammatical problems, noticed some particular issues.
Who is Mistmane talking to when she goes home?
You implied Somnambula had already met Daring Do, but they act like they're meeting for the first time. The scene cuts are too abrupt and you didn't bother explaining how they got to the tomb or where it is, and this seems to be a recurring problem throughout the chapter. I was confused for a moment about whether Hissan was really there or a spirit or what. Not enough description detail.
Flash Magnus' Big NO seemed rather silly. Also, should he even be able to read modern Equish? (Did soldiers know how to read back then?) And Flash has nothing to complain about, at least his hometown still EXISTS. (Poor Rockhoof.) The whole bit with him proving his identity felt a bit unnecessary for some reason. And then he went to Wonderbolts HQ and bam he's gone.
Meadowbrook's nightmares yelling 'Why didn't you save us?' over and over got repetitive.
And speaking of repetitive, Rockhoof proving his identity is basically a lesser rehash of Flash. I was expecting more angst from him about his home being, well, gone. And I suppose all of them getting portalled away felt kind of abrupt.
Shadowlock popping out like that felt a bit silly. Though bravo on remembering him, most people haven't. Not sure the exposition on Meadowbrook's 8 items was necessary, and I'm guessing we'll never know what happened to Hollow Shades, will we?
Are all the Youtube links really necessary?
Mage could have just said which items were on them, not infodumped so much.
...Okay, that was an AMAZING fortress they just dropped in.
So, over all, I think the chapter was a bit...longer than it needed to be? Could have been split into chunks. And ultimately, the Royal Guard still proved to be useless since the Pillars did all the real work, so I guess Discord did all this for naught.
I'm amused that Grubber's question seemed to work better than Spike's. Although Twilight has a point, why DIDN'T the seaponies just turn into dragons or something and fight back?
What Spike should REALLY be asking is why he always gets turned into the humiliating stuff. First a dog, now a pufferfish.
8793795
I go by a set pattern after establishing the speaking order in a coversation. For example, I set the speaker order to A,B and C in the first three sentences then set the rest of the conversation in that pattern until stated otherwise, that way I can avoid having to write redundant "X said" over and over, which will no doubt get repetitive. I try to get them to name drop the recipients to help the readers know who was being spoken to.
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Yeah I dropped the ball at the Star Wars bit as I was trying tell them that they can shoot lightning out of their hooves and wings using an example. Should have said that it's like an O&O wizard casting lightning and sound based spells instead.
Spitfire knows that RD will come back with her friends to come save them. The difference is that instead just sitting on their asses getting captured or doing nothing as usual, they still need to protect western equestria and the civilian part of cloudsdale. When the Trojan cake is triggered (I will get on that in a later chapter), they will assist in the liberation of the populace/background ponies and draw away most of the forces in the city especially the airships parked there from the outside to clear a path for the Mane 6 for them to get to the palace. You can already guess how the guards at the palace be handled. Considering that canon has the entire squad captured, this is already a step up.
8793906
Mistmane is talking to her descendant Rarity met when she went to get the flower.
Somnambula read about Daring Do as a storybook character. She didn't think the latter would real too. Didn't include a scene where Daring gives the location of the tomb and how they got there because I thought it would be filler. The scene with Hisan was meant to be him speaking to Somnambula from the Equestrian Egyptian afterlife.
Flash was in denial about the Royal Legion being disbanded since it was his only anchor left of his old world as far as canon shows. The museum was the breaking point. The Pillars were taught to read as part of their crash course to avoid the mistakes Luna made. Since he was running around in armor, it made him stick out like a sore thumb attracting a crowd and he nearly got arrested over mistaken theft of museum artifacts, so he had to prove that he was the real deal.
Rockhoof was meant to be the opposite situation. He came to terms with what happened to the Mighty Helm before he arrived as he knows that moping around wouldn't do anything. Captain Steela would give him one hell of an earful from the afterlife if he breaks down.
Shadow Lock was destroying records of Stygian as per usual. He heard about what happened in Ponehenge after giving Sunburst the Legends of Magic issues and immediately ran to kill Stygian.
I felt that the 8 items needed to be remembered so I tied them into the storyline.
Finally the Royal Guard in question has been assisting in handling the stray shadows that tried to backstab the Pillars from behind. Should have stated that aside from that one sentence. Not to mention, they have been fighting the main guy himself while Discord tracked down the Pillars.
The YouTube links are meant to be BGM that I think would fit the situation. They were meant to be heard when reading that section.
8793911
Spike realized that Twilight is about to make the biggest mistake of her life when she didn't come along with them for "One Small Thing", complaining about being a pufferfish is the last thing on his mind right now.
Overall, how do you think I should have handled the scene transitions? Oh yeah, Ponyville is coming up next and I have the line-up of heroes planned.
8794518
I'm not sure I agree with all your points, but I appreciate you replying to my critiques so well. I still think you needed to be clearer at several points, especially in regards to who's talking, and at least DESCRIBING who they're speaking to. Like, if you hadn't had Mistmane refer to that one pony as her descendant I wouldn't know who she was speaking to.
As for scene transitions, most of them are okay but other times it's just the character saying, 'Here I am at X' rather than 'after a short (blank), X reached Y' and maybe saying what Y looks like.
Second time I've seen SRW OG references in a MLP fix, first was XCom cross over where two dragons where named form the battle ships and Beowulf and Wessritter where translated into Power armors.
Maud is truly the strongest pony in Equestria.
Aside from the recurring tense trouble, I thought the paragraph explaining Time Turner was the Doctor was a bit awkward and less than informative. Also, it's 'gems of value' not 'games of value.'
Shining's armor is cool. If only the movie had been this awesome instead of everyone being useless and taken out like chumps.
Also, I agree with Trixie, I wouldn't trust Shining Armor or Spitfire to save the day either.
Oh Smolder and Waifuling
Why did you cram so much into a timeline instead of writing it? Also, I'm not sure Spike would have given such a detailed summary in his letter given how urgent things were.
But yeah, Tempest makes good points about Equestria. Not to mention if they'd actually bothered training a little her army wouldn't have steamrolled them so easily.
My god. You actually made Songbird Serenade relevant! I didn't think it was possible.
Also, cool fight scene though I have to wonder if all these special techniques and whatnot makes it too anime.
8846707
The timeline wasn't initially there but after assembling the cast I have been stuck in a crossroads whether to write more fight scenes that won't contribute to the plot or jump ahead to Twilight's attempted rescue. Having other commitments at the same time really didn't help. I had to choose the latter to avoid making my readers wait too long. I already said I will write the events of what happened during the 72 hour siege in the next chapter's AN as a bonus chapter including the events listed above.
I read BNW and Sonic Origins, you make writing those look so easy. Do you have any tips?
8846721
They are based on anime but in western animation there are such things as incantations. I tried to do a mix of both.
8847485
Fair enough
8847442
Easy? It's a lot harder than it looks, trust me. It's taken years for me to get to this level and I've still got a while to go.
One of the best tips I can think of is to reread every chapter before posting it. Make sure everything's right. And ask yourself, 'Will this make sense to the reader?' If the answer is 'no,' try to resolve that any way you can.
Ponies who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. After all Spitfire encouraged Lightning all the time instead of correcting her behaviour early.
She should be very, very, VERY grateful that Dusty wants to help.
Hooray! The end!
I'm with Starswirl. We're ALL disappointed (but unsurprised) at how easily the princesses were beaten.
And that was a fun epilogue. I would love to see more adventures of Moondancer, the samurai!
Congratulations on finishing.
All it would do is that it will drag everyone down to self-loathing and the imprisoned will have a bleak future. Nobody wins.
This fact needs to be put strait to anyone who says Starlight needs to be punished.
CLOUDSDALE RISE! Do you remember when, the Storm King forced his reign on Equestria.