Will There Ever Be An Us?

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Sunburst gets time off from his job and after a letter from his oldest friend, spends time with her as she visits the crystal empire for the weekend. Will he be able to let go of his nerves to finally tell her how he's been feeling this whole time or will it be in silence forever?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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The Bricklayer

The Bricklayer #1 · Jan 22nd, 2018 · 1 · ·

D'awww, just cutesy romance between these two. Just what I need to brighten up my morning.

WyngsTriumphant

WyngsTriumphant #2 · Jan 22nd, 2018 · 1 · ·

Well, well, well.

I didn't realize this was your first story, not until I started reading. That title and that description are really well written, props for that. Most newbies would write some really bland or unoriginal title, you did a good job there.

(How this account was made in 2012 but this is your first story, I have no idea, but until proven otherwise, I'm going to address you like a newbie.)

Onto the story.

It was good. Not often I can say that about a first story, so congrats. There are some spelling and grammar mistakes here and there, but that can easily be fixed with an editor, who can proofread and give you tips.

The pacing and the story were interesting enough, though a little barebones. On one hand, I expected the story to be really deep and thoughtful, but I realize that's an unrealistic expectation for a first-time writer here. So while I don't think this story achieved 100% potential, let me make it clear: you did a good job. Your writing, pacing, vocabulary, all of it was better than 95% of new authors, so congrats on that!

You even threw me for a bit of a loop. I expected the story to end some kissing and confession of love, but that's not what happened. Instead, you did something really mature and clever by letting the story kind of end on it's own note, on a slightly more complex and realistic one. With them openly admitting emotions, but not immediately kissing or going all googly-eyed. That's a very good representation of these two characters and a more realistic tone on romance. I like it, and it's impressive that you, a FimFic newbie, would write such a different and mature ending.

Very, very good.

Not a masterpiece, and there were some grammar errors, but this is an excellent first story, I think. You've shown me, and hopefully a few others, that you're somebody with talent and potential. A good model for other first-time writers to follow.

If you need an editor or further help on stories, message me. You've earned yourself a friend /), and I'd be glad to help you improve and write moar.

-Wyngs

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