Nobody96
Joined 14th Dec, 2017 ·
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This just sounds interesting. I am so intrigued but I must sleep. Read later!
The idea is interesting, but the story itself could use some work. First, I don't see a reason for this to be in second person. Especially since this an established character with a definitive personality. This would work better either in first or third person, and I lean more toward the former. Second, the mentions of Twilight's hands indicate this is anthro: which means the tag is missing (although calling it "forehooves" later indicates this is a mistake, which leads to a question of which one it was supposed to be). Most of all, I would say to flesh it out more: add some build-up to the sex; include some foreplay (seeing as this is Spike's first time and the backside does not have natural lubrication); and expand the the sex scene itself to include more detail.
8616844
Vaild criticisms! That I do say.
Second-person I must, for it is my forte.
A pony story this is, so that mistake I'll amend.
Build up I missed, due to the timer I have set.
May there be better luck for me tomorrow!
Interesting, another story which seems like it is well written, has a good hand of likes but more dislikes and the author hopes for more luck tomorrow. A Letter Thereafter! We are in the same boat! Hope your story gets more likes! I will read it as soon as I have time!
8616933
Papa bless
My child
neat
This was entertaining
Tell me of the man,
Who never tried to fuck himself.
For, if you do find him,
I assure you, it is only because he can,
That he never tried.
Afraid of liking it too much,
Never able to go back.
8717568
Clever, very clever.