Nobody96
Joined 14th Dec, 2017 ·
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Either I hope the title is a typo or that really fucking hurts... ow...
What the hell did I just read and why am I laughing so hard?
I started reading this thinking it is something Flutterpriest made up, then I realized that this was definitely not Flutterpriest, he doesn't write like this, and he doesn't have this many mistakes in his stories. Though, it was a decent read all things considered. Short and has a bit of that Flutterpriest goodness.
On the one hand, fetish-guessing Fluttershy is trash and was never funny. On the other hand, this gave me an erection.
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Sorry. I'm still new to writing, so I'm still trying to learn the rules of prose.
Thank you for reading!
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Keep it up, you can be a great writer. You already have a good start.
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Do you have any advice on how I can improve?
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The Fluttershy you established is different from Flutterpriest's Fluttershy, she doesn't have that same hint of awkwardness that Flutterpriest's Fluttershy has.
It's just the words you use with Fluttershy, you started off Fluttershy as a bit too forceful while Flutterpriest started with "Uhm, Good Morning!" as Shy's first words, The Uhm just says it all and that exclamation mark at the end? Just really says it all about Shy doesn't it.
Throughout Flutterpriest's story, Fluttershy maintains that bit of awkwardness but that is overshadowed by the hate in later chapters that seems to make Fluttershy more and more brutal. It's a slow build up but sooner or later Fluttershy will snap... We will see if Flutterpriest adds a tragedy tag to it.
Anyways, Also your Anon... add a Second person tag to this, please... remove "Oh, Anon." replace with... ok-
I just re-read this story for the third time... Remove all mentions of Anon and replace with a second person kind of answer. It's kinda weird if this story stays in the second person but Fluttershy breaks that by giving you a name. Or just replace Anon with a pet name that "you" find annoying that Fluttershy loves.
Now, on the topic of your Anon. Your MC is actually nicer than the MC of Flutterpriest's story, of course, this is probably due to you wanting this story to end up as clop, but still. He also doesn't have that same wit that Flutterpreiest uses.
Ok, so this all ties into the point I'm trying to make. This story sounds young if I can put it that way. It doesn't have that same experienced feel that some other stories have. All I have for you right now with my current Knowledgebase is to expand your vocabulary. That's how you can put some experience into your story.
Member Since 14th Dec, 2017. Wow, that is quite late... What's up with that, if you don't mind me asking.
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Just found out about the fandom and decided to try my hand at it.
I'll try to fix all those corrections at a later date. Fixed the second person tag, but the nuances will require an editing pass.
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If we knew why, we probably wouldn't be.
W-... what the fuck did i just read?
What the fuck Did I just read.
I'm so proud of you.
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Please share your wisdom; I want to produce better works inspired by you.
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First and foremost: Edit.
The best suggestion I can make is to read your story out loud. Every word. Slowly, surely. You'll find a lot of your own issues that way as you'll find wordy sentences. Hear your own repetition. Or find subject/verb disagreement.
This is a 'fine' story. If you put some serious time into this, I think you have a long, bountiful road ahead of you. :)