Herp Derp

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 8: Smashed

“There she is!” cried Rainbow Dash, spying the lizard running through the stalls in the town market.

“Where?!” shouted Twilight, who was flying butt-end first. “I can’t see anything!”

Rainbow Dash ignored her and ducked down, buzzing several stalls. Several ponies jumped out of the way, and one shielded his cart of cabbages.

“Stop that lizard!” cried Rainbow Dash.

One pony at a stall that sold spark plugs looked up with fright. “Wizard? There’s a wizard? Hey everypony, there’s a wizard here! Everypony PANIC!”

They all looked at him, and then promptly did as he suggested. They ran around in every direction, overturning everything that could be overturned and underturning whatever was left.

One of them, a member of Ponyville’s trio of florists, cried out. “A wizard!” she shrieked, “he’s going to turn us into PIGS!”

“Or curse is with a blight!” said one of the other flower girls.

“Or steal our waifus!” added the third.

At the suggestion of the last one, all three of them fainted and lay on the ground, twitching.

“Excuse me!” said Twilight, both in offense and because she was landing on top of several ponies. “I am, in fact, a wizard! And I resent this misrepresentation!”

“NO!” cried the nearest pony. “We have offended Princess Twilight! We have incurred the wrath of Friendship! Everypony run! Repent! REPENT!”

This caused them to panic even more. “How is ‘wrath of Friendship’ even a thing?” demanded Twilight. “It’s FRIENDSHIP. Wrath isn’t part of it!”

This did nothing to quell the riot forming around her. Within seconds, most of the center of town had fled, going back to their houses or whatever sort of thing they could hide in- -dumpsters, random holes, bushes, shrubs, an outhouse, and others.”

“Come on!” said Twilight, approaching the outhouse. “You’re all being ridiculous! In fact, we really could use your help catching that reptile!”

“Amphibian!” called Rainbow Dash as she tried to navigate a complex flightpath through the now empty stalls.

“Reptile,” grumbled Twilight. She threw open the outhouse door. She had seen at least five ponies go in there, and yet the entire room was empty- -and the seat was up.

“Oh Celestia’s fuzzy ears,” she said. “Please tell me you all didn’t…”

“Twilight! I could use some magic out here!”

“Right!” replied Twilight. She started to leave, but then paused a moment to turn back and close the toilet seat.

“Thank you,” said the voice of one of the hiding ponies.

“No problem,” said Twilight, shuddering violently.

“Twilight!” called Rainbow Dash. “She’s getting away!”

Twilight turned to the now devastated market and looked around wildly. At first she did not see anything- -but then she saw Derpy scampering under several stalls with Rainbow Dash in hot pursuit.

“Hold on! I’ll get her!”

She raised her horn and fired a blast of magic. The spell shot out just as Derpy leapt into a crate of watermelons. There was an explosion of splinters as the crate burst open and the melons went rolling in every direction.

“My watermelons!” cried a voice from inside the outhouse.

Several melons- -and Derpy- -rolled into the street. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both leapt for her- -but neither of them reached her fast enough. A panicked stallion ran by, pulling his cart behind him without paying attention to his surroundings at all. As he passed, there was a sickening crack followed by a splattering sound. The cart disconnected, and the stallion, so deathly terrified of a wizard in his midst, continued to run, crying as he did so.

Rainbow Dash and Twilight both came to a stop next to the cart, staring in disbelief. The entire plaza was now empty, and it seemed eerily silent and still. The only thing that moved was the red fluid that flowed out from beneath the cart’s tire.

“Oh no,” whispered Twilight in panic.

“D…Derpy?” said Rainbow Dash softly. There was no response.

Twilight dropped to her knees. “She…she got squished!”

“Twilight…”

Twilight suddenly burst out in tears, weeping. “She got SQUISHED!”

“There wasn’t anything we could do.”

“What do you mean there wasn’t anything we could do?! It’s my fault she got turned into a reptile in the first place! And it’s my fault we couldn’t catch her! If I had been more careful- -if I had used a different spell- -she might- -she might still be…”

“Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash solemnly.

“Red stain more like it!” screeched Twilight. “She was our friend! And best pony…” Twilight collapsed into sobbing.

“She was,” said Rainbow Dash, putting her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “And I’ll inform her family.”

“No, Rain- -hic- -bow, I’m the- -hic- -Princess- -”

“But I’m a Pegasus. It’s my duty. To tell her two little girls that…they’re now…orphans…” She began to tear up. “Sparkler’s an adult, but little Dinky…I don’t know what…she’s going to do…” She suddenly burst out into the same heavy weeping as Twilight. “Crying isn’t cool!” she wailed as she began to hug Twilight.

“Derpy!” cried Twilight. “Derpy, why! Why couldn’t it be me! Nopony likes me as an alicorn anyway!”

“Why couldn’t it be Twilight!” wept Rainbow Dash. “Why did it have to be YOU?!”

“I hope…I hope there’s lots of muffins in pony heaven,” said Twilight, who by this point had slowed down to the point where her face was soaked with tears and snot.

“I hope so too,” said Derpy. “That would be so amazing!”

Twilight and Rainbow Dash both hercked. They slowly looked up to see a familiar herptile sitting atop Twilight’s head.

“Derpy!” cried Rainbow Dash. “You’re ALIVE!”

“And you can talk,” said Twilight, angrily.

“Of course I can talk,” said Derpy. “Why wouldn’t I be able to talk?”

“Well,” said Rainbow Dash, “animals can’t normally do that.”

“Oh.” Derpy derped. “But we’re ponies, and we talk, don’t we? Even the sheep talk around here. They have a lot of good stories about Big Macintosh!”

“But then who got smashed?”

All three of them looked at the red stain on the ground. Derpy gave a long sigh. “I’m afraid I broke a watermelon,” she said. “I didn’t mean too! But that happens a lot. Things breaking I mean. Produce, limbs, things like that. But now I can make watermelon muffins, I guess.”

“Eew,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s all dirty. They’d be gritty.”

“Wait,” said Twilight, “so I get that’s a watermelon, and I’m an idiot. But you were running away from us this whole time!”

“I was?” said Derpy. She turned her head. “Oops! Sorry! I was just going about my daily schedule!”

“Daily…schedule?”

“Oh yes. I do this every day! Although…” She lifted a lizard claw into view of one of her golden eyes. “I’m not usually a herptile when I do. I don’t know if that makes it harder or easier…”

“But…the running…the chasing…”

“Well, if you wanted to talk to me, you should have just asked me to stop. I’m pretty sure I still have ears. Maybe. And I’m always happy to help!”

Twilight levitated Derpy off her head. In the sky, the sun was approaching the horizon. There was probably only a half hour to fifteen minutes left before the spell became permanent. Twilight charged her horn and muttered the demonic incantation that she had memorized earlier.

There was a sound and a puff of smoke, and Derpy- -now a pony- -dropped to the ground.

“Oh!” she said. “I’m a pony again! I feel so adorable!”

“I’m really sorry I turned you into a lizard,” said Twilight.

“Oh, that’s okay. It’s not the first time it’s happened.”

“It…isn’t?”

“No, of course not. Things like this happen to me on a weekly basis.”

“They do,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s one reason why she’s banned in sixteen Pegasus cities.”

“Seventeen. Los Pegasus banned me last week. They sent me a really pretty letter, though. It was even notarized. And on that really good paper.” She sighed. “But I accidentally ate it.”

“You ate a letter?”

“It smelled like cake and I can’t see very well.”

“Oh, yes,” said Twilight. “I forgot. You’re disabled.” She gasped. “I was performing experiments on a disabled pony? Oh crap, I’m a monster!”

“No, no,” said Derpy. “It’s fine. And everything turned out alright!”

“She’s right about that,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, sure, we destroyed Bon Bon’s house. And the market. But Derpy’s okay. And I know that Hoofers has REALLY good wings. And Octavia in socks, apparently.”

“Yeah,” said Twilight. She smiled slowly. “I guess this did all work out.”

The sun started to set. Derpy watched it- -or watched something. “Hey,” she said. “I have muffins. Do you want to share?”

“Sure!” said Rainbow Dash. “I’m starving! Literally, because of my ridiculous metabolism!”

Derpy produced three large, excellent muffins. Nopony asked from where. She gave one to Rainbow Dash, and one to Twilight.

“Thanks, Derpy,” said Twilight, carefully unwrapping her muffin while Rainbow Dash bit directly into the top like some sort of heathen.

“Muffins make everything better,” said Derpy, smiling. She held her muffin up to her face, and a long forked tongue extended suddenly from her mouth, moving in and out as she rapidly tasted her muffin and as Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared in horror.

“Mmm,” said Derpy. “Blueberry!”

aSswN�

Comments

[chaoticevl]

I really dont know what i was expecting as i read this but it wasnt what i got. Quite amusing though. The origami bit was great.

[FloydienSlip]

This was hilarious. I really like the Vinyl Scratch presented here.