Herp Derp

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 4: Herp Derp

“Are you sure she isn’t in the castle?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Positive,” replied Twilight, who was quite out of breath. Rainbow Dash was flying beside her, but due to Twilight’s excessively long and feathery alicorn wings as well as her own poor coordination and general athleticism, she had elected to run- -something she was almost equally bad at. “Which in this case is negative! I didn’t find a single lizard in the castle! Not even Spike!”

“Do you know where he is? I mean, I don’t know, lizard and amphibian, maybe he can help!”

“He usually takes a pair of binoculars and a box of tissues and goes to help Rarity at this time of day, but she’s not here so I don’t know- -and she’s a REPTILE.”

“My own road apples! She’s totally a salamander!”

“No, she’s a lizard, if you study the auditory orifice- -” Twilight shook her head. “No, I don’t have time to argue this!” She pulled out a book and threw it into Rainbow Dash’s face. “I studied what happened! It was an aberrant transmutation spell with an animalistic bias!”

“Which means what?”

“It means I can reverse the spell, but if we don’t change her back by sunset, she’ll be a reptile forever!”

“Amphibian.”

“FOREVER!”

“Sweet Cadence’s milk, I heard you!” said Rainbow Dash, pushing the book away and landing beside Twilight. They had entered the center of town. “So we need to hurry. Well, then you should be glad you’ve got me. I’m the master of hurry. And hustle, but only sometimes.” She looked around. “Are you sure she came to Ponyville, though?”

“Whatever part of her is still Derpy probably remembers that she used to be a pony. She’ll be here. Somewhere.”

Twilight looked out at the town. Usually it looked tiny from her castle windows. Now it looked so very huge.

She had no idea what to do, so she rushed forward and grabbed the nearest pony who was walking by.

“Golden Harvest!” she cried. “Quick! You have to tell me! Have you seen a herp derp?”

Golden Harvest blinked, confused and slightly unnerved by Twilight’s sudden presence. “Herp…derp?”

“Herp derp!”

“Herp derp?”

“HERP DERP! HERP DERP!”

By this point, Golden Harvest had gone from unnerved to downright afraid. She burst into tears and pushed Twilight away, causing her to sprawl on her back. She then ran away crying.

“Golden Harvest! Wait!” Twilight flailed her legs, trying to stand up, but her wings had lodged themselves in such a position that she was not longer able to right herself. “You didn’t answer the question!”

“I’m pretty sure she would be a derp herp, not a herp derp,” noted Rainbow Dash.

“Don’t you lecture me on adjective order! I’ve wrote six treatises on the subject!” Twilight grunted and tried to lift herself. “Gah! How do you stand back up when you get stuck like this?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “How would I know? I’m never the one on my back.” She paused. “And from the look of it, you haven’t spent that much time on your back either.”

“Of course not! Why would I be on my back? I’m all helpless and vulnerable like this! Rainbow, come on! Help me up!”

Rainbow Dash did so. It was somewhat difficult. Twilight was heavy.

“Oof! You know, you don’t need to put butter on ALL of your food, Twilight!”

“Well you’re one to give advice, miss carbo-loader!”

They looked at each other, and then apologized.

“I’m sorry,” said Twilight. “That crossed the line. You’re an athlete, and I know that you need a special diet for performance.”

“No, it’s my fault,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, if I had that royal butter that Cadence sends you all the time, I’d eat it on everything too! That stuff is awesome!” She poked at her chin in thought. “Although…come to think of it, I’ve never seen a cow in the Crystal Empire. I wonder where she gets the milk from…”

Suddenly, the air was rent by a shrill and bloodcurdling scream.

“Whoa,” said Rainbow Dash, wobbling slightly. “I think my blood just curdled. I didn’t even know it could do that.”

“It’s coming from Bon Bon’s house!” cried Twilight, pointing across the plaza.

“Oh,” said Rainbow Dash. “Yeah. That’s pretty normal.”

“We have to- -wait, what?”

“Yeah. Whenever Lyra goes over. Sometimes multiple times. I think they’re really big fans of Stepping King. Or maybe Loveloft.” She sighed. “But they never invite me. And I love the horror genera…”

“Aww,” said Twilight. She put her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “You should have told me. I have an entire shelf! You can come read it if- -” There was another scream. “On second thought, we should probably deal with this first, though.”