Herp Derp

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 6: Another House

“Where did she go?!” cried Twilight. She looked up at the sky. “It’s got to be three thirty already! There isn’t much time!”

“Yes there is,” said Rainbow Dash. “Relax. Besides. Can’t you just tell Celestia to, you know, make it slow down?”

“What?! Do you have any idea what your implying?!”

“Yeah. You write a letter- -it’s easy for you, you have a horn- -and send it to her. Something like ‘Hey, I messed up royally, so I need you to slow the sun down or something. For friendship.’”

Twilight glared. “I wasn’t the one who put in the wrong crystal.”

“Well I wasn’t the one who trusted me to put in the RIGHT crystal.”

They glared at each other for a moment, and then both sighed.

“This isn’t getting us anywhere, is it?” said Rainbow Dash.

“No. And I can’t ask Celestia to do that. She works very hard to keep the solar schedule, and it’s prepared months in advance. Even a few minutes would cause complete chaos. And I just can’t do that to her.”

“Right. I know.” Rainbow Dash looked at her watch, which was drawn on. “Sunset?”

“Oh. She’s in the human world still. From what I hear, they found a clone of me. Kind of weird that they haven’t found alternate-reality Sunset yet…”

Rainbow Dash looked confused. “Not Sunset Shimmer,” she said, “regular sunset. As in, what time is it.”

“Six thirty five.”

“Okay. Then we still have three hours. Do you know what I could do in three hours? I could fly to YakYakistan and back- -twice. Or get halfway through a line at the Department of Unmotored Vehicles.”

“Halfway? Impressive.”

“Yeah. I am pretty impressive.”

“And impressively pretty.”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Don’t make this weird, Twilight.”

“Oops. Sorry.” Twilight suddenly reached out and shoved Rainbow Dash out of the way. “LOOK! There she is!”

“Where- -”

Twilight rushed past Rainbow Dash, lashing out with her magic at Derpy. Derpy looked up at her, and then flopped to the side, avoiding it easily before scuttling off down the street.

“No you don’t!” cried Twilight. She engaged a teleportation spell and vanished, reappearing where the lizard had gone- -only to find it missing.

“Huh?” she said, looking around. “I could have sworn…I hope I didn’t teleport to that mirror universe again…”

It was at that moment that Derpy lowered her probably venomous reptilian face into Twilight’s field of vision. She was sitting on Twilight’s head.

Twilight had nothing against lizards. She in fact rather liked them. But having one just suddenly appear like that, hiding in her mane, caused her to panic.

“EEEK!” she cried, sounding almost like Fluttershy whenever she saw her own shadow. “GET HER OFF!”

“Hold still!” cried Rainbow Dash. Twilight did- -and then felt something wet slam into her face with enough force to send her crumpling to the ground.

“Ow,” she said, rubbing her smarting forehead. “Rainbow! What did you- -” She reached up to touch her horn, something she always did after a head injury to insure that it had not been snapped off- -and felt something that was not her horn. “Is this a cabbage?” She felt it some more, and realized that it was impaled on her horn. “Rainbow, did you just hit me in the face with a cabbage?”

“I had to do something!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“We’re not trying to smash her! She’s already had enough head injury in her life!”

“I panicked, okay? I didn’t know what else to use! I mean, I considered a brick- -”

“A BRICK?! You were going to hit me with a BRICK?”

“Well I used the cabbage, didn’t I?” She looked around herself. “Where did Derpy go?”

They both looked around, and caught sight of a tail vanishing around a nearby corner.

“THERE!” they both cried at once, standing up and chasing after her. Derpy was surprisingly fast, though, and quickly skittered across the street and with some difficulty got under a door.

“How is she so agile?” gasped Twilight, bracing herself on the fence of the house that Derpy had gone into. “Is she normally like this?”

“No! Normally she can’t get ten feet without falling on her face! Or somepony else’s! Sometimes twice!”

Twilight sighed and continued to catch her breath. When she did, she stood up. “Well, we know where she is now. It’s just a matter of getting her out of that one house. And I’m sure anypony in there will cooperate.”

Confident in her own assertion, Twilight approached the door and knocked. There was no response, so Twilight knocked harder. When there was still no response, she charged her horn, preparing to blow the door in. The mental preparation was somewhat difficult, though; with her alicorn power, it was sometimes difficult to modulate the intensity. It was surprisingly easy to go from “knock the door down” to “demolish the block”.

Then the door opened. A tired looking dark-colored earth pony poked her head out. She looked at Rainbow Dash, and then at Twilight.

“Octavia!” said Twilight, allowing her magic to dissipate now that she knew somepony was home.

Octavia looked her up and down. “Princess,” she said, somewhat glumly. “Why are you wearing a cabbage on your horn?”

Twilight blushed to a profoundly beetlike color, and Rainbow Dash snorted. Twilight quickly removed the cabbage and hid it under her wings. “I’m not.” She cleared her throat. “We were hoping you could help us with- -”

“What did she do this time?”

“Excuse me?”

“Vinyl. What did she do?”

“Um…nothing?”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because a huge derp herp just went under your door,” said Rainbow Dash.

Octavia looked at her, and then at Twilight. “Excuse me?”

“She means herp derp.”

“No I don’t,” whispered Rainbow Dash. “Derp herp.”

“Herp derp,” snapped Twilight.

Octavia stared at them both as though they were insane. “You know what?” she said. “I’m not sure I even want to ask. But you can come in if you want to.”

She opened the door completely, gesturing for them to come in. As she did, it became apparent that she was wearing a set of torso-high striped socks as well as a collar and bowtie.

“Um…were you playing dress-up too?” asked Twilight.

Octavia raised an eyebrow. “What in the name of Luna’s daddy issues do you mean by that?” She looked down at herself. “Oh. No. This is my work uniform.”

“Work?” said Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you play the giant violin?”

The corner of one of Octavia eyes twitched. “For the millionth time, Miss Dash. It is called a CELLO. Although I also play the double bass.”

“Wait. How do you play a fish?”

Octavia lifted one shaking socked hoof, and Twilight could tell that Rainbow Dash was about to also be socked- -and she intervened. “I didn’t know this was the uniform for a concert musician.”

“It isn’t,” said Octavia, darkly. “This is the uniform I wear when I go to work. At Hoofers.”

“Hoofers?”

“Wait, we have a Hoofers in Ponyville?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why didn’t anypony tell me?”

“But you’re a brilliant cellist!” said Twilight. “You’re renowned throughout Equestria!”

“Yes. And do you know how much world-renowned concert cellists make?”

“Um…”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. And going to one of Equestria’s most prestigious musical academies has left me with a great deal of student debt that won’t pay itself, I’m afraid. So, yes, Hoofers.”

“Oh,” said Twilight. The situation had grown quite awkward. “I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t have student loans because I had a ridiculous honors scholarship.”

“And I never went to high school,” said Rainbow Dash. The other two looked at her. “What? It’s not like they teach you anything useful, and I get paid a LOT. I mean, have you seen my house?”

“Yes,” grumbled Octavia. “I have. From down here. Where I live with my paradoxically mute and absurdly loud roommate.”

“Come to think of it, where is she?” asked Twilight.

“Probably at one of her many club playing, getting hundreds upon hundreds of bits thrown her way and cash advances so thick they could choke a mule. No offense.”

“None taken,” said the mule staring at them through the window.

Rainbow Dash looked at him, and then turned away slowly. “Was he here the whole time?”

“Believe me, you get used to being ogled,” sighed Octavia. “Eventually…”

“Oh, wait, there she is,” said Twilight, apparently ignoring the remainder of the conversation since she had asked where Vinyl was. “On the couch. And- -THERE SHE IS!”

The ponies looked. There, sitting on Vinyl’s head, was reptile Derpy. In a flash, Rainbow Dash crossed the room. “Yo, Vinyl,” she said, “don’t move a muscle. You’ve got a lizard on your head.”

Vinyl did not respond, but she did not move either. Rainbow Dash put her hoof on the white unicorn’s shoulder to get leverage and started to reach for Derpy- -only for Vinyl’s body to crumple beneith her light touch.

“What the…fluff?” said Rainbow Dash, pulling herself away as Vinyl- -or what she thought had been Vinyl- -collapsed into a thin pile. “Is that…tissue paper?”

“Origami,” said Octavia. “I hope. Realistic, aren’t they? She leaves them all over the place. I once woke up with sixteen of them staring at me.”

Rainbow Dash poked at the crumpled paper. It had looked so realistic. “So weird…”

“You have no idea,” said Octavia, rolling her eyes. “The things I have to put up with…you’ll never guess what I found in the dishwasher yesterday.”

“How many guesses do I get?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“We don’t have time for guessing! Rainbow, where did Derpy go?”

Rainbow Dash looked around. “Um…I don’t know.”

“Derpy?” said Octavia, confused. “What does the mailmare have to do with this?”

Before either of them could answer, they heard something scuttling across the ceiling.

“There!” cried Twilight, turning her head upward- - only for her hope to turn to horror. It was not Derpy at all. It was Vinyl- -this time, the real one.

She descended to the floor rapidly and stood amongst them, slowly moving her head to the music she was listening to. She did not speak. As far as anypony knew, she was incapable of it.

“How did she- -but- -but how- -”

“It’s best not to question her,” said Octavia. She let out a long sigh. “Vinyl, these ponies are looking for a reptile.”

“Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Herptile,” corrected Octavia. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?”

Vinyl Scratch looked at them through her thick glasses, and lowered the lenses. Twilight and Rainbow Dash both winced. Vinyl’s albinism had left her with a set of rather grotesque red colored eyes.

The reaction made Vinyl smile, and she nodded. She then led Rainbow Dash and Twilight down a hall in her shared house, and Octavia followed. She was not in any special hurry to reach her job and serve pressed artificial chicken to ponies who tended to pinch her.

Vinyl took the group to a large door that was apparently a broom closet.

“Huh,” said Rainbow Dash. “The closet. Well, you and I both know a thing about closets, don’t we, Scratch?” She nudged Vinyl with her elbow- -only to have Vinyl collapse into a pile of rustling paper.

“GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, backing into the real Vinyl, who laughed the most creepy silent laugh that Rainbow Dash had ever seen. “How did you- -but you were right- -” She shuddered. “You know what, I don’t want to know.”

Vinyl just shrugged, then reached up and opened the door. For a moment, all that was on the other side just seemed to be a blur of colors- -and then pile of snakes spilled out onto the ponies below.

“S- -SNAKES!” squeaked Twilight as all the color ran from her entire body and her wings stiffened awkwardly with panic. “Why did it have to be snakes?!”

“Vinyl has something of an obsession with snakes,” said Octavia. “She simply adores them. I can’t fathom why. Although has started performing a special act recently with Melvin on her back.” Her eyes became distant. “It’s so hot…”

“M…Melvin?”

“Yes. The Burmese chap crawling on your back, Miss Sparkle.”

“B…back?” Twilight raised her eyes and saw that there was indeed a snake on her back. Not just any snake, but the most massive snake she had ever seen. It paused, and then looked at her with beady black eyes. om:.000�Us���