The Origin Story of the our hero. This is the beginning of the story. Please read this first. I had the help of snipinexpert with editing the story.
Chapters (2)
blaa6
Joined 10th Nov, 2011 ·
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blaa6 · 5.5k words · 7 3 · 583 views
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I see you are really great with writing descriptions into the smallest details, I really like that. The story flows well, and I believe it has the potential to interest a reader
I'm a little bit unsure about the whole brony-turned-alicorn thing, as that is something the audience here usually frowns upon... Well, you have to make sure the part before must have persuaded the reader to trust you that you won't misuse it.
A few more things to the 'presentable' part of the story. For example, why is the word 'Prologue' in the story's title? Also, the short description is alright, but the long one should contain more information about the story. Because when a short description catches the reader's eye, they usually look at the long one before diving in. The fact that this is origin story of someone or that you seek feedback won't interest them though. That belongs in the Author's Notes. Furthermore, it's usually worth mentioning a crossover with what the story is
8412313
Thanks for the concerns and thoughts. It's a little too self indulgent, I'll say that now. But I hope the "good" writing will shine through. Plus, from now on, I'm having help from people who edit a lot to help me. The stuff I'm going to write will also be very parody, reference and meta based. Thank you for your comment. I just hope I can live up to your expectations.
8412752
You are welcome.
No, I don't think it's too self-indulgent. Believe me, I have seen many stories here and this one surely belongs to the better variety, the long description being the biggest of the issues I have pointed out. Looking forward to what you can come up with!
That fight scene you could probably redo. That confused me a bit.
8433254
Yeah. The gimmick of changing the mugger into different names for garbage was confusing. I changed it to something more traditional.
Oh my, I apologize for commenting so long after this chapter has been published. The fight at the beginning was a little hard to follow, until it dawned on me that it is supposed to be a cartoonish one. After that realization, this was a very amusing read. Thank you for that
8664499
I’m glad you noticed. This character does now posses Loki’s Mask from The Mask. So cartoony is his style for the most part.
Thank you for reading. I’ve got big plans for these ponies. Did you like my music choices? I’m planning on making it a regular thing.
8668910
You’re welcome. And I’m looking forward to it then! Feel free to notify me via PM or comment when you publish something new