- Member Since 12th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen April 16th
Fillyfooler
I am Group admin of 'The Fillyfoolers', I write stories about candy colored ponies making and desiring love. Appleshy is my OTP.
Fillyfooler
Joined 12th Nov, 2011 ·
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- Fillyfooler · 0 words · 38 10 · 670 views
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I get the joke :)
Mmm... Peaches...
Should be "It's just Applejack eating a peach" in the description.
Then the second sentence: "Beautifully the cress in the middle separated the two wonderful haves" should clearly be "The cress in the middle separated the two halves beautifully". Haves doesn't work here. ^^
But yeah, your description and your first few sentences should be flawless, at the least...
Also, you used "it's" instead of "its" on multiple occasions, wrote "and she ,every" somewhere (how can you miss that comma if you proofread even once? :p).
"and inhaled deeply of freshly licked peach" -> inhaled the scent of freshly licked pear deeply
rubbing curtain special places of her body and tickling her. -> rubbing certain
Pegasus orgasm coursed through her, Applejack own -> Pegasus's/Applejack's
put I gotta -> but I got a (gotta sounds like a dialect for of I got to)
scr'tch it -> how is this even pronounced? skrrtch it? Never heard Applejack say that :p If you want to write her accent, just make every I into an "Ah" and add some words like "sugarcube", "what in tarnation" "lickety split" "hooey" and so on. That's all.
had the words let her -> had the words left her
that Applejack found Fluttershy's -> than Applejack (that's how sentences with "no sooner" work)
as she tried to give back pleasure she had just received -> as she tried to give back THE pleasure she had just received
It's only 1k words, proofread! Three times if you have to ^^
Also, I have horrible visions of FS with a torn vagina now. You wanted to keep the illusion of innocence up so long, that you actually had AJ bites and swallow... I can only draw one conclusion. AJ and FS are -really- into vore.
SHE ATE A PEACH?!!?!!??
[youtube=GbUTPGRoOAY]
huh, I was thinking of different pears.
Have a deserved plot
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
1024296 That's a little mean XD
But yeah, I agree. It should've just said "Applejack eats a peach"
1024266
Ladies and gentleman, I just got Grammar Nazied.
1024345 It's a bloody description, it doesn't need to be perfect.
The moment you said tree...
I was like "YUP, APPLESHY"
1024438 Hey, I was helping you from an insult, no need to get hard-headed :<
Yay for more AppleShy. I liked the euphemism.
1024438
No, you just got constructive criticism from someone who made your fic better by doing your work for you. If you want to be any kind of a writer, you don't fight the people willing to put time and effort into helping you grow, you embrace it. Only immature people get defensive when faced with the problems in their work.
As long as you keep fighting criticism you'll never improve, only stagnate. I have to deal with people pointing out my mistakes far more often than you do, and if they don't do so spontaneously, I even go asking for it. Because that's what every writer needs to improve.
If you were only planning to write 1 story, ever, then maybe it could be excused as something that is lazy but not all that damaging, yet this obviously is not your first and unlikely to be your last, so why are you being so defensive? Take the corrections, accept the advice, and move on in the knowledge that your next work will be better.
Or hiss at everyone who doesn't say "Great story!" and never improve. Your choice.
1024681
.
Okay, yes I cannot take criticism well. Guess thats just a thing of mine. But really I just wish for a successful story that I wrote, for once. But I did fix most of the points you presented. Also please realize that this was up loaded right after it was done at like 12am last night. But thanks for the comments I will try to take them to heart
I lol'd at this.
1024773
Hey, no problem dude, everybody gets frustrated at times. Just remember that most of us are here to help you ^^
That was bizarre
But I liked it! 
See... the problem, sir, is that the story is spoiled before it even begins. "Why is it rated mature?" Obviously, because the peach is an actual vagina. I see what you're trying to do - Reverse the suddenly-popular bait and switch style troll fics, where it looks like something dirty is going on but it turns out Scootaloo is just eating a sandwich, or Big Mac is writing smutty romance novels. Or Twilight is a disturbingly slutty sleeper (who the fuck moans orgasmically in their sleep?) However, your description does a wonderful job of spoiling the twist ahead of time.
Also, just for the record, it would seem that orgasmically is not, in fact, a real word. This is not, in any way, relevant to your fic, I simply find this to be a shame.
1028171
I'll fix it.
I'm a madam and thank you
You've got a line straight to my funny bone! If you know what I mean...
Aaaaaanyway, I liked the story, keep up the good work! Have a mustache!
e621.net/data/19/2d/192db5be0c2b0e992e4d0ca6c66e1d1e.png?1311954978
This. It confused me a little.
It was good though!
It is just wanna those, WTF DID I JUST READ stories
I honestly did not see that end coming, but in hindsight it was kind of obvious.
I was disappointed when I found out it wasn't a real peach.
It was almost hotter when I thought she was actually eating a peach. Because who does that? Who eats a peach and loves it so much they just HAVE to masturbate? Someone who really enjoys their damn peaches, someone who's so sexual and passionate that anything can be arousing. And that my friend is a FANTASTIC idea. The fact that it was a euphemism was somewhat disappointing.
2.bp.blogspot.com/-aVC_DH4wc7c/ThUqu68iaLI/AAAAAAAAHIA/q6zNNUE--hY/s1600/1308623536.pixel-fox_fluttertree.jpg
WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ
I just died. I swear. That... That was beautiful. I just... I'm broken. I saw it coming but it still surprised me! I'm so broken that I'm dead. Kudos.
I realized what was going on in the third line but still good story, with well detailed parts, good work
Well at first I was like, "This is interesting..."
But then I saw the line "Then she orgasmed" so it was pretty obvious from there.
Then you mentioned Fluttershy at the end. I was right.
Loved this story, it was hilarious! XD
You get a Happy Pinkie Pie as a prize!
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
Well, it’s been
two weekstwo monthsFIVE FUCKING MONTHS?! Five! Months! Where did the rest of this year go? Did I really just sink the last one hundred and fifty FUCKING days into doing nothing but uni work? Did I really just leave all those fun little reviews to fall by the wayside for FIVE MONTHS? Did I really just do that without even passing on a note of apology, or even a single FUCKING warning to my fellow reviewers? Did I not even talk to the friends I’ve made through this site once during that time?Yes, that’s right; this grumbly not-so-old curmudgeon is such a misanthrope that he didn’t even contact the friends he made through the friendship is magic fiction website for long enough to be declared legally dead.
Fuck me. I know that time’s supposed to move quicker when you get older, but I didn’t think it would hit by my late teens or early twenties or mid thirties or dotage (delete as appropriate). I’m now starting to get worried that one day I’ll look up from a journal article to find that His Excellency has decided to take his nation to war against the forces of Mr. Big. (That’s a Civilization IV reference, by the way; can’t imagine a hair metal band actually mustering the force to invade a global superpower, at least not by the early nineties).
…
Sorry about that.
Anyway, so it’s been five months since the whole ‘Twilight eats a Peach’ saga that breezed onto the website and settled about as comfortably as a cholera epidemic, an event which finally allowed Obs to join the rest of the exalted staff of this site by neatly giving us a reason to hate him: knighty has his unstintingly awful sense of humour and user relations, that one with the Sweetie Book avatar has (or had, can’t remember which) their hideous reply attitude, and now Obs can go sit at the big-shots table thanks to spawning the trend of single, teasing lines from site blog posts being turned into entire ponyfic epochs. And since all it all died down about as quickly as, well, the cholera epidemic that made John Snow a household name, what better way to relive it than to review the fic that started it all… over a year early.
This is, once again, an extremely long and dreary introduction to a review from me to pad out the read-time, but there isn’t much more I can do; Applejack eats a Peach is a little over a thousand words of mostly serviceable, by-the-numbers sexual innuendo straight out of the off-cuts of the Carry On series. Aside from its name, and the fact that it came out more than one year before Twilight got in on the act again and again and again, there isn’t much to say about anything this insubstantial.
Well, okay, there is a bit. Unlike other one-joke, single-entendre stories that I could care to name and review, and in fact did… four months ago, there is at least an understanding that innuendo is a joke, and as such it requires there to be both a setup and a payoff to the innuendo in order for it to actually work as a source of humour. Admittedly, in the great orchard of comedy, the innuendo tree dangles its warty, hairy plums about a micron off the ground, but they still present a very satisfying mouthful to pluck.
I don’t even know what I wrote, there.
The point is, unlike a certain story about a certain adorable mare thinking that she got featured on the cover of a certain sordid magazine, in which the various building blocks of a joke were slung into a pile in front of the audience without any care or thought, Applejack tends her Garden at least puts the joke together properly and shows it off to the audience with something of a flourish. Granted, there are a couple of rough edges that the author doesn’t quite have the presence of mind to stand in front of and perform jazz-hands simultaneously--seriously, mistaking the word ‘crease’ for ‘cress’ in the first line of the story isn’t the way to leave a good first impression, especially for the reader who is here for nothing but that warm, fuzzy ‘crease’--and it’s debatable whether the actual design being shown off was worthy of such a display, but the author has at least deigned to dress it up well and with a few nice little touches--I do like the way they so perfectly make references to a tree.
However, there is one glaring issue with the story, and it’s the opposite to the one where a certain noble was rewarded by a certain shy pegasus after he so certainly terrified her to the point of nearly vomiting froggie-style. Instead of a perfect setup that lacks any kind of well-formed payoff, Applejack tickles a Plum’s payoff is undermined by the issues in its setup. Innuendo as a whole is built on the concept of the double-entendre, in which a single word or phrase can have both innocent and less-so, but equally fitting, meanings; this can occasionally referred to as single-entendre, which is when the writer is being so blatant and filthy-minded that it is impossible to see the innocent context of the words without the payoff providing it. Thankfully, Applejack slurps a Vag’s setup is, to its credit, quite subtle and gently hints at sex, though the hints are very definitely there. Right up until the moment where Applejack takes a bite of the peach.
Yeah, remember that whole point about the meanings needing to be ‘equally fitting’? Outside of a vore fetish fic, or perhaps a deleted scene from a zom-rom-com gone horribly wrong, the reader shouldn’t really be thinking about a character literally noshing on labia. And yes, I am well aware of the phrase ‘eating XXX out’, but even then it’s something of an abstract concept, and you don’t actually hear, or read, references to teeth being sunk into the flesh, which is then torn out in chunks and swallowed, unless one were to take Dracula and suck out the metaphor.
I know that this seems a really minor points to pick up on, but:
A) It’s the job of a ZPReviewer to pick up on the littlest things and criticise them if we want to keep all our fingers.
B) It’s a short story, and so the little issues seem comparatively massive.
C) It’s a short innuendo story, and this issue really undermines the whole concept, and:
D) It’s a handy distraction from the smattering of other little grammar and spelling issues that other reviewers have so kindly pointed out and been rebuked for doing so.
So, all in all, neither terrible nor great, good nor especially bad. Applejack fumbles a Joke is a simple little sink of two or three minutes that doesn’t require too much effort from you, provided that you don’t expect anything more than a few glimmers of spark within a stodgy shuffle towards a mediocre climax.
I must say, that was lovely. It isn't everyday that I come across clop that is tastefully written. Now you've made me hungry.