- Member Since 12th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen April 16th
Fillyfooler
I am Group admin of 'The Fillyfoolers', I write stories about candy colored ponies making and desiring love. Appleshy is my OTP.
Fillyfooler
Joined 12th Nov, 2011 ·
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Cover is not by me.
But there is no cover.
I really like the poem-like lines at the beginning of this, very nicely done. However, I can't help but feel like this particular story is missing something... For the most part, your writing is good save for the misspelling of the other pet's names, Angel, Tank and Gummy. You've also neglected to capitalize a few other names, but those are easy fixes.
The ending seems, to put it bluntly, a bit over the top. The fact that everyone is mourning Winona's death takes away from the realism of the piece. If you want to really bring in some poignancy, then make it as real as possible. If you've ever had a pet die, then try drawing from that particular experience. Your audience will connect to the conflict a lot more personally if we can relate to what's going on.
577067 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_YouDontSay2.png
good job.
577068
Well fixed the names. Now the story, this was actually made because when going over ponyville confidential I noticed that when Applebloom is looking over pictures with Granny Smith, winona is shown interacting with her so... I thought she must be very old to have been around when Applebloom was born. And basically thats how this fic started, so I thought that yeah they all would grieve. But your comments are appreciated.
Reading through this I found two misspelled words, one was "gilt" instead of guilt, unfortunately I have been unable to recall the other at this time.
I found it hard to "feel" for Applejack, I understand loss it's just that this story didn't give deep happy pre-death scenes which would have built more empathy towards AJ
Beyond that this is not a bad read.