Fan fiction. The final frontier.
Fluttershy has never liked crowded parties. When Rainbow Dash drags her to Spitfire's birthday party, Fluttershy resigns herself to a night of standing in a corner, rather than talking to a bunch of ponies she doesn't know. However, Fluttershy's evening takes an interesting--and unsettling--turn when she encounters a very odd mare.
Written for Fluttershy Day.
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i like
Some of the dialog that Fluttershy gave about the party is what I would like to imagine nick caraway felt at his first Gatsby party
Wow. That's... something. I guess if Spitfire's satisfied with her birthday parties serving as an event during which criminals can be caught making their moves...
I can't say that I liked this story.
The first paragraph of a story is important. That's where I pay the most attention, because any mistakes or awkwardness here often sets the tone for the rest of the story. So, this line here, about a birthday party "starring" alcohol, put me on edge. (That, and "casinos" shouldn't've been capitalized.) It's not a major issue, as I allowed myself to get drawn into the story, but things like this stand out when they're at the very beginning.
Okay, it's one of those parties. It feels very strange to me that Rainbow would have invited Fluttershy to a party like this, but you did spend some time justifying this, so that's okay. It still strikes me as odd, but that's okay.
This line felt sorely out of place, considering that the story is focused on Fluttershy. While it isn't directly narrated by Fluttershy, nothing said up until now was completely incompatible with something that Fluttershy might say, but "shit-faced"? There are alternatives that would much better fit the tone of the story. Yes, the story does take a sharp turn into sleeze-ville eventually, but it isn't there yet.
That should be "Even the random stallion..." The way it's written now makes it sound like the stallion spoke three words to say that Fluttershy doesn't belong, "You don't belong." I had to re-read the line to figure out what was supposed to have happened here.
I liked how you handled this mare: she definitely felt like someone you might meet at a bar, entirely too confident in themselves. I was enjoying the sketchiness of her character, right up until...
At first I thought that this was just the mare's crude way of flirting. Or maybe Fluttershy was completely misinterpreting the situation. After all, who the hell tries to steal someone's organs during a party? That's beyond ridiculous! And the fact that she outright told Fluttershy what she was going to do? Meaning that she could have screamed for help? Not to mention the screaming that would happen when the wings were removed, or the blood, or how the mare was going to smuggle bloody pegasus wings out of a crowded party... I was convinced that this was supposed to be Fluttershy misinterpreting the situation, and hadn't fully given up on the story yet. That is, until...
So, it seems that this mare was supposed to actually have been trying to cut off Fluttershy's wings in the middle of a crowded party. This is beyond ridiculous, and it utterly destroyed any goodwill that I felt towards this story. I'm willing to overlook minor grammatical or structural issues in a story if it's to serve a good plot, but I can't do that for this story. The ending with Rainbow Dash is actually kind of nice, and it does a decent job of working a bit of character growth into the story, but when tainted with the central ridiculousness of the story? It's all for naught.
Having read a couple of your other stories, I was expecting a little more out of this one. Better luck next time.
8183715 Thanks for your through analysis. In all honesty, I wrote this particular story in a hurry because I was determined to post it on the very same day (Fluttershy Day). Otherwise I probably would have given it a proper revision instead of a cursory glance for spelling and grammar errors.
In any case, I'm glad you liked the beginning.
8184097 Thanks for appreciating the analysis! Sorry I didn't like it, but they can't all be winners.