• Member Since 19th Mar, 2017
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CaptainGrumpy


let's drop in on a grommet

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A moment of boredom in Sunset Shimmer's life leads to her thinking about the progress she's made with the help of her friends, regrets of the past as well as the impact she's made on a new friend's life.

Just a drabble since I had nothing else to do at this hour

-Takes place after Legend of Everfree-

(wasn't sure if I should've put the HuMane 5 in the tags as well, but I put Sci-Twi in because she's featured more compared to the others)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 10 )

I thought you did good. It's small and sweet.
The best part is, you got the grammar right, and that immediately beats about 5% of the stories on this site.

8085690 thanks m8, that's an absolute relief to hear considering the timeframe I wrote this in and how fuckin' tired I was at the time

I want to start by saying I really liked the story. Just a simply look into Sunsets psyche. It was short and sweet and not dragged down with needless filler (something I tend to do very often.) However I found some of the style in the writing to be a little off putting. First, some of your wording was a little off.

Sunset Shimmer, the host of the party, is lying awake in her bed, her magical book clutched to her chest. A wave of reluctance washes over her, unsure how to put her feelings into words.

This could be cleaned up just a little bit to flow a little bit easier.

Sunset Shimmer, the host of the party, was lying awake in her bed, her magical book clutched to her chest. A wave of reluctance washed (or washing if you want to make it more present tense) over her, unsure how to put her feelings into word.

This helps the flow just a little bit, and over all allows for an easier narrative.

Second, I loved your use of onomatopoeia in the first chapter. That's something I don't see too often in stories on this site so I want to applaud you for that.

Other than a minor nitpick on my part, I thought this story was fantastic and hope it does well. Thanks for the great story and I hope to see more from you in the future.

Well it's good but you keep going back and forth between past and present tense.

I quite enjoyed it. :twilightsmile: Nicely done for a first release!

8086567
thanks m8 I'll see if I can muster up something else in the future

8086573
yeah tense is always something I've had a problem with - I think I read too many transcripts because I always seem to write things as if they're happening right now rather than describing something that happened

if only Word had a tense-check

I'll keep that in mind, thanks m8

Cute, fun read.

Best tip I can offer is don't be down on your own work.

I agree with Awesomo. If you make no other changes, please choose one tense—I recommend past, but there certainly is plenty of storytelling precedent for present, too—and reconcile all the text. For a story this short it shouldn’t take very long.

Serviceable. It's a common premise and not much stands out. But nothing's done incorrectly and the pacing's good.

And you did convey a pervasive atmosphere of bleak not quite blahness that abruptly lifts as Sunset realizes things are better than she realized. Look forward to more from you.

The coda's a bit too terse but given the demands of the terseness you did really good at assembling something with some emotional impact. Definitely eager to see another story from you.

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