• Member Since 19th Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Johnny B Mediocre


psst it's me I'm a horse

E
Source

A moment of boredom in Sunset Shimmer's life leads to her thinking about the progress she's made with the help of her friends, regrets of the past as well as the impact she's made on a new friend's life.

Just a drabble since I had nothing else to do at this hour

-Takes place after Legend of Everfree-

(wasn't sure if I should've put the HuMane 5 in the tags as well, but I put Sci-Twi in because she's featured more compared to the others)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 11 )

I thought you did good. It's small and sweet.
The best part is, you got the grammar right, and that immediately beats about 5% of the stories on this site.

8085690 thanks m8, that's an absolute relief to hear considering the timeframe I wrote this in and how fuckin' tired I was at the time

I want to start by saying I really liked the story. Just a simply look into Sunsets psyche. It was short and sweet and not dragged down with needless filler (something I tend to do very often.) However I found some of the style in the writing to be a little off putting. First, some of your wording was a little off.

Sunset Shimmer, the host of the party, is lying awake in her bed, her magical book clutched to her chest. A wave of reluctance washes over her, unsure how to put her feelings into words.

This could be cleaned up just a little bit to flow a little bit easier.

Sunset Shimmer, the host of the party, was lying awake in her bed, her magical book clutched to her chest. A wave of reluctance washed (or washing if you want to make it more present tense) over her, unsure how to put her feelings into word.

This helps the flow just a little bit, and over all allows for an easier narrative.

Second, I loved your use of onomatopoeia in the first chapter. That's something I don't see too often in stories on this site so I want to applaud you for that.

Other than a minor nitpick on my part, I thought this story was fantastic and hope it does well. Thanks for the great story and I hope to see more from you in the future.

Well it's good but you keep going back and forth between past and present tense.

I quite enjoyed it. :twilightsmile: Nicely done for a first release!

8086567
thanks m8 I'll see if I can muster up something else in the future

8086573
yeah tense is always something I've had a problem with - I think I read too many transcripts because I always seem to write things as if they're happening right now rather than describing something that happened

if only Word had a tense-check

I'll keep that in mind, thanks m8

Cute, fun read.

Best tip I can offer is don't be down on your own work.

I agree with Awesomo. If you make no other changes, please choose one tense—I recommend past, but there certainly is plenty of storytelling precedent for present, too—and reconcile all the text. For a story this short it shouldn’t take very long.

This is a great story. I love it.:pinkiehappy:

This house had been deserted for some time after her... experience at the Fall Formal some years ago, due to how she'd managed to acquire it in the first place.

https://m.

However, once she told her friends this story, they sprung into action to help with her renovations without the need for her to ask for it. She wasn't sure whether to be grateful or stunned by how quickly they offered their time.

Makes total sense they'd want to help.

Sunset wasn't sure if her house would be ready on the get-go for a pet, but Fluttershy kindly assured her that whenever she felt like she was ready to adopt, the animal shelter she volunteered at would be more than happy to help. In the meantime, she brought her a set of cute stuffed animals; dogs, cats, bunnies and various other small animals. Initially, Sunset felt like she was a bit too old for those sorts of things, but the ones her timid friend had chosen won her heart over, so she couldn't refuse.

You can never be old for stuffed animals. :pinkiehappy:

Granted, she didn't care of what people thought about her, but there's no telling who, even after all this time, still thinks she could return to being the demon she once was.

That's very unlikely imo.

The reason she had bought her new simpler leather jacket - the one with gold chevrons on the sleeves - was as a part of her new journey, both physically and mentally. But she couldn't bring herself to throw the old one away, because for as many bad memories as it contained, it still had something special about it, she just didn't know what it was. Sunset smiled fondly at the jacket, but she falters after a few seconds and sighs.

Imo, the jacket with the chevrons on them look better than her first leather jacket. :ajsmug:

And none of them would change that for any magic in the world.

That's the magic of friendship for ya. :twilightsmile:

There's more that follows, but that was the clincher for Sunset. That was all she needed to hear. She smiles and wipes her tears away. She'd read the rest in more detail tomorrow. For now, she shuts the book and places it back inside a drawer by her bedside. Lying down, she closes her eyes as she feels the last of her troubles fading away. She can finally relax.

And that is what counts in the end. :twilightsmile:

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