A moment of boredom in Sunset Shimmer's life leads to her thinking about the progress she's made with the help of her friends, regrets of the past as well as the impact she's made on a new friend's life.
Just a drabble since I had nothing else to do at this hour
-Takes place after Legend of Everfree-
(wasn't sure if I should've put the HuMane 5 in the tags as well, but I put Sci-Twi in because she's featured more compared to the others)
Page generated in 0.144 seconds
Total duration
1,075 users online
1,957,970 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I thought you did good. It's small and sweet.
The best part is, you got the grammar right, and that immediately beats about 5% of the stories on this site.
8085690 thanks m8, that's an absolute relief to hear considering the timeframe I wrote this in and how fuckin' tired I was at the time
I want to start by saying I really liked the story. Just a simply look into Sunsets psyche. It was short and sweet and not dragged down with needless filler (something I tend to do very often.) However I found some of the style in the writing to be a little off putting. First, some of your wording was a little off.
This could be cleaned up just a little bit to flow a little bit easier.
Sunset Shimmer, the host of the party, was lying awake in her bed, her magical book clutched to her chest. A wave of reluctance washed (or washing if you want to make it more present tense) over her, unsure how to put her feelings into word.
This helps the flow just a little bit, and over all allows for an easier narrative.
Second, I loved your use of onomatopoeia in the first chapter. That's something I don't see too often in stories on this site so I want to applaud you for that.
Other than a minor nitpick on my part, I thought this story was fantastic and hope it does well. Thanks for the great story and I hope to see more from you in the future.
Well it's good but you keep going back and forth between past and present tense.
I quite enjoyed it.
Nicely done for a first release!
8086567
thanks m8 I'll see if I can muster up something else in the future
8086573
yeah tense is always something I've had a problem with - I think I read too many transcripts because I always seem to write things as if they're happening right now rather than describing something that happened
if only Word had a tense-check
I'll keep that in mind, thanks m8
Cute, fun read.
Best tip I can offer is don't be down on your own work.
I agree with Awesomo. If you make no other changes, please choose one tense—I recommend past, but there certainly is plenty of storytelling precedent for present, too—and reconcile all the text. For a story this short it shouldn’t take very long.
This is a great story. I love it.
Makes total sense they'd want to help.
You can never be old for stuffed animals.
That's very unlikely imo.
Imo, the jacket with the chevrons on them look better than her first leather jacket.
That's the magic of friendship for ya.
And that is what counts in the end.