I ignore (almost) everything that happened after season 6.
Not even Fluttershy understood what happened, when that bright light appeared in her own home and flung her into a place never seen before. Ogres try to eat her, evil warlords chase her down, drakes and giant spiders attack her and gnomes violate her personal space. But with a bit of help from the locals, she just might reach the other side of the world and get home.
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This is a crossover of Lord of the Rings, right? Or maybe Dungeons and Dragons?
8032908
Not as specific. It's set in my own fantasy world. So it's a crossover with a work that doesn't exist yet.
But rather, it's a crossover with high-fantasy settings in general. Including LotR, D&D and my own.
Ok, I've read 6 chapters so far. I think that's as many as I'm going to read for the moment.
First the positive. The story is fun. You really want to know what happens next. Like your other story, it's not deep, but it's enjoyable and it doesn't create any high expectations that aren't met.
Unfortunately, after 5 or 6 chapters, it does become predictable... Fluttershy meets creatures, talks or runs from them, go to next chapter. I hope this changes later on because it started to feel like whatever creature she met was going to be unimportant and gone at the end of the chapter.
Technically, it does need a lot of work. The biggest problem is tense agreement, which appears 2 or 3 times in the very first paragraph. You either tell the story from the perspective of the past or the perspective of the future, but you alternate between both of them and it feels grating. In one moment you say something like "Fluttershy walked in the forest" and then in the next sentence "Fluttershy has never seen this kind of flower." I found these mistakes several times in every chapter and they need to be addressed.
The pronoun problem that you had in the other story appears here as well, although not nearly as often. Still, it needs to be corrected.
Another issue is that the actions scenes aren't well thought out. Towers and trees and objects materialize out of nowhere, characters are in one place one moment, and in another place in the next moment. In the first chapter, for example, an ogre grabs a large book. Where from? from thin air? There were no mention of bookshelves or the characters going or being in a room or anything that would explain where a book could be grabbed from. In fact, it feels like they are in the forest. So, where did the book came from?
Some other spelling/style issues. When a character says something, you add a comma, but it should be a period.
Wrong.
"I'm afraid." Said Fluttershy.
Right
"I'm afraid," said Fluttershy.
Also, some phrases that sound awkward. Like "She had to escape with inches of her life."
Scores,
Technical issues: 4. The tenses not matching really need to be fixed. Even the pronoun problem isn't as bad as in the other story. But seeing one sentence in past and the next one in present makes it hard to enjoy it. Thinks appearing and disappearing also add to the confusion.
Plot: 7. It's interesting at first, but after a few chapters, it becomes predictable and the characters that Fluttershy meet feel like NPCs in an old Japanese RPG. Flutteshy meets character, character either wants to help or kill her, Fluttershy moves on.
Fun: 5. After 6 chapters, I lost the interest in the story. I honestly wanted to cheat and just skip to the last chapter to see how it ended as I felt that the next 6 chapters were going to be just like the first ones but with different monsters and names. Honestly, you could exchange words like orc and goblin and the story would be the same. I might go back to read it if the problems are corrected. Or I might decide to just read the last chapter to see how it ends.
8202681
Right. So grammar is a big thing I have to improve. Tense agreement is a big problem with many inexperienced writers. There's also the thing with the vague action scenes, which I haven't noticed before. Most of that can only be improved with practice.
>the characters that Fluttershy meet feel like NPCs in an old Japanese RPG.
I'll take that as a compliment.
>Fluttershy meets creatures, talks or runs from them, go to next chapter. I hope this changes later on because it started to feel like whatever creature she met was going to be unimportant and gone at the end of the chapter.
Well, bad news then, since that's pretty much what happens throughout the entire thing. It's like one of those stories about heroes embarking on a journey and meeting many creatures and foes along the way. Like Odyssey, or The Hobbit, or Samurai Jack, or an adventure rpg for that matter. It's a formula I really like, but if you don't enjoy it, you'll probably not enjoy this one either.
8202890
Well, you can start practicing by fixing the tenses in this story. Just pick one point of perspective and change all the tenses that don't match to it. I personally prefer to write from the perspective of the past, so I'd change sentences like "just the way Fluttershy likes it" to "just the way Fluttershy liked it."
I recommend that you make the computer read your story to you. Sometimes mistakes like these can be spotted easily that way. The prevalence of this mistakes makes me think that you don't edit your story. I don't really know if you do, but when you see such mistakes you really get the impression that you finish writing and then publish without editing.
The concept of the story works well, but I don't think it can be sustained for long. If it had been only 6 or 7 or even 8 chapters, it would have been fine. Like I said, at first, I wanted to know what happened next, but later it became too predicable. One of the problems is that it feels that the actions of one chapter have no impact in the rest of the story. It's almost as if you could take out a few chapters at random, or change the order of the chapters, and the story would be the same. There are a few elements that try to bind the chapters together, like the warning that she'll know him when she meets him and vice versa, but not enough in my opinion. To give you an idea, it's like if you had stretched the dodgeball story for another 3 chapters. That story worked better because it was the appropriate length for its concept. This one isn't.
Now I'm torn, I want to go to the last chapter and read how it all finishes, but it feels like cheating. On the other hand, I don't want to read chapters that I'm not going to enjoy. What a conundrum, he he.
8203539
You're right. My editing consists of just me reading it over a bunch of times, then publishing and reading it over once or twice more. The computer reading sounds interesting though, I'll try that.
If you really wanna see the end, feel free to skip everything. Or just skip a couple chapters. Chapter 3, 6, 7 and 9 are ones I'm personally pretty fond of, if that's any help. Then chapters 10-13 do kind of tie in with each-other.
This was a good chapter, funny and short, and most importantly, unlike all of the other chapters, the tenses matched!
I liked this chapter a lot. And the tenses matched! Only the set up needs work
Ahh, thiscould have been a great chapter if it has been set properly. The actions are cofusing and things appear out of nowhere.
This story has a the hobbit likeness to it. I feel its a shame that some issues distract you from the enjoyment
8217685
What’s wrong with the set up?
8217715
Yeah, I consider this chapter to be the worst one. I think I only did it, just so I could use the phrase “Fluttershy and the Luchador”.
8219446
Well, you never mention Fluttershy going inside a building or stepping on a building, so when things collapse, then there’s a ceiling that magically appears out of nowhere.
“But this collapsing did no good to the ceiling, Fluttershy turned out to be walking on”. I assume that the comma is a mistake, so you understand that Fluttershy is now on a ceiling. Shouldn’t it be the roof? It sounds like she’s now on top of a building, but you never mention how she got there.
8219740
The building is underground. The ground is the roof of the building. She was walking straight and there was an old building under the ground.
8221777
Then that should be explained better because that's not how it comes across.
Although I think you're right. It's the kind of thing that would require a lot of writing and maybe it's better just to take it into account next time. I do recommend you think more about how action scenes and where each character or object is and transmiting it to the reader when you write.
Gnomes.
They’re gnot gnelves or gnoblins, and they love to gnome.