Fluttershy's Unexpected Journey

by JesterOfDestiny

Epilogue

“I don’t get it!” Twilight Sparkle said with both confused anger and fear. “I can tell something happened here and it’s safe to assume it took Fluttershy, but we just can’t replicate it, no matter what we try.”

“Well something must work!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Ponies don’t just disappear for days!”

“Not even I do that!” Said Pinkie Pie.

“I know.” Said Twilight.

“But we’ve never seen magic of this kind before. There’s literally nothing about this kind of magic anywhere!” Added Starlight Glimmer.

“Not even I can do anything!” Discord exclaimed in forlorn frustration.

“Well you gotta be the first one then!” Applejack exclaimed. “You can’t seriously say, Fluttershy’s gone for good.”

Twilight didn’t say anything.

“You can’t, right?” Rarity added.

Twilight looked defeated. “You’re right, I can’t. But that might very much be the case.”

Soon the sadness filled the room. The fact, that they may have lost a friend and they could do nothing about it, was devastating. Even angel was distressed. He was lying on the “magical spot” Fluttershy disappeared in.

Suddenly, Angel bolted up. A tiny blue light emerged under him, which only got bigger and brighter. Soon the blinding light filled the entire room. It then disappeared as suddenly as it came and Fluttershy was standing right there.

“I’m back?” She said in quiet confusion and looked around.

“Fluttershy, you’re back!” Discord exclaimed in relief.

“I’m back!” Fluttershy shouted in delight and ran towards her friends.

They formed a big hug. They were all so happy to see Fluttershy intact and she was happy to see everyone again.

“What ever happened to you?!” Rarity asked.

“Well I’m not sure.” She answered. “I was standing here and suddenly I was absorbed by this big light. Then I was in this weird world completely different to Equestria!”

“A different planet? Perhaps even a dimension?” Starlight was shocked.

“Nobody ever figured out how to do that.” Said Twilight.

“Oh, tell us more!” Pinkie was excited to hear Fluttershy’s story. “We want to hear your story.”

Everyone agreed.

“I’d love to but,” Said Fluttershy, “let me take a nap first. I’ve been through a lot.”

Comments

[JesterOfDestiny]

8202681

Right. So grammar is a big thing I have to improve. Tense agreement is a big problem with many inexperienced writers. There's also the thing with the vague action scenes, which I haven't noticed before. Most of that can only be improved with practice.

>the characters that Fluttershy meet feel like NPCs in an old Japanese RPG.

I'll take that as a compliment.

>Fluttershy meets creatures, talks or runs from them, go to next chapter. I hope this changes later on because it started to feel like whatever creature she met was going to be unimportant and gone at the end of the chapter.

Well, bad news then, since that's pretty much what happens throughout the entire thing. It's like one of those stories about heroes embarking on a journey and meeting many creatures and foes along the way. Like Odyssey, or The Hobbit, or Samurai Jack, or an adventure rpg for that matter. It's a formula I really like, but if you don't enjoy it, you'll probably not enjoy this one either.

[Karan Dash]

8202890

Well, you can start practicing by fixing the tenses in this story. Just pick one point of perspective and change all the tenses that don't match to it. I personally prefer to write from the perspective of the past, so I'd change sentences like "just the way Fluttershy likes it" to "just the way Fluttershy liked it."

I recommend that you make the computer read your story to you. Sometimes mistakes like these can be spotted easily that way. The prevalence of this mistakes makes me think that you don't edit your story. I don't really know if you do, but when you see such mistakes you really get the impression that you finish writing and then publish without editing.

The concept of the story works well, but I don't think it can be sustained for long. If it had been only 6 or 7 or even 8 chapters, it would have been fine. Like I said, at first, I wanted to know what happened next, but later it became too predicable. One of the problems is that it feels that the actions of one chapter have no impact in the rest of the story. It's almost as if you could take out a few chapters at random, or change the order of the chapters, and the story would be the same. There are a few elements that try to bind the chapters together, like the warning that she'll know him when she meets him and vice versa, but not enough in my opinion. To give you an idea, it's like if you had stretched the dodgeball story for another 3 chapters. That story worked better because it was the appropriate length for its concept. This one isn't.

Now I'm torn, I want to go to the last chapter and read how it all finishes, but it feels like cheating. On the other hand, I don't want to read chapters that I'm not going to enjoy. What a conundrum, he he.

[JesterOfDestiny]

8203539

You're right. My editing consists of just me reading it over a bunch of times, then publishing and reading it over once or twice more. The computer reading sounds interesting though, I'll try that.

If you really wanna see the end, feel free to skip everything. Or just skip a couple chapters. Chapter 3, 6, 7 and 9 are ones I'm personally pretty fond of, if that's any help. Then chapters 10-13 do kind of tie in with each-other.

[Karan Dash]

8221777
Then that should be explained better because that's not how it comes across.

Although I think you're right. It's the kind of thing that would require a lot of writing and maybe it's better just to take it into account next time. I do recommend you think more about how action scenes and where each character or object is and transmiting it to the reader when you write.