First person; a lonely man meets seven young women he'll never forget.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Very nice as always. Looking forward to Rarity hashing out her feelings about Sonata with Sunny. But one thing won’t stop nagging at me:
I’ve been sitting here thinking about the physics of banging far longer than one ought to, and I still can’t figure out how she managed to fuck him into the headboard.I mean, unless she’s doing something really weird (and with your Flutters she easily could be), the force vectors just don’t add up.
tl;dr My brain fixates on weird things sometimes.
I knew i heard that tune before.
I have to ask, who is the guy dating and made immortal and will get with the rest of the girls?
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Thank you.
And yeah, it would make more sense if she was the dude. I honestly didn’t expect anyone to comment on it. That’s not to say it can’t happen once the girl gets a rhythm going, but on the first thrust, not usually. That said, sometimes in fiction realism gives way to spectacle—and this would be a good example. That, and shooting a load big enough to cover most of a person.
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Yet another Mega Man reference in this
story.
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That’s kind of where it’s headed, yeah.
Nice chap, cap.
Whoa boy. I finally caught up reading this beast start to current.
I want to share my thoughts since you have given me 711,315 pony words of entertainment and all I can really share in return are my thoughts.
TL:DR It's good. More pleas.
Long Version
A few chapters in and now brought to the current chapter I wonder if some of this story is inspired by the films "The Man From Earth" and "He Never Died". If not I highly recommend watching them. They offer two different and compelling looks at immortality.
I have no really criticism of the prose or editing, this is a fanfiction so I do not hold it to the standard I would a professional product. That is neither a good nor bad thing, just the expectation I go in to with fanfics. I have noticed the odd spelling or grammar flub but I won't call them out as I could do no better.
The "adult" material is ahem adequate. Most adequate.
The other material is quite stellar and were this rewritten with completely original characters I believe you truly would have a good action adventure novel on your hands fit for publication.
I will now spit out random thoughts:
Immortality as presented in the context of this story makes you immune to mental damage and is shown to cure pre-existing ailments. This brings into question what will happen to Pinkie if she choose to turn. Would it "cure" her mental ailments? Would she still be Pinkie?
Still on the subject of Pinkie if it is a planned turning she needs to do a serious diet. Thinking long term there may come a point in the future where being any amount of overweight can become a source of societal and occupational pressure. Closing doors to her that would otherwise be open.
Still on Pinkie...I am getting a sexual abuse vibe with her family. Like Stockholm Syndrome etc.
Moving on to Applejack, having those tan lines may also cause her trouble very far down the road. As a society we are starting to recognize the health risks associated with the practice.
Did any of the girls have dental work like pulled/missing teeth, caps, or fillings? It would be interesting to know if the change fixed their teeth and they started spitting out dental work.
With Pinkie, Dash, and maybe Sonata as the last known potentials, what if one of them is barren? Would it take? What if Dash strongly prefers women? Would artificial implantation be an option?
Why has no one thought to use their new connections to establish an identity for Gold yet?
On the subject of Gold, it was mentioned he has gone by other names in the past. It would be interesting to see what some of those other names were and if any of the girls recognize him as a person of any significance.
Speaking of names, my one actual criticism, the use of realistic Earth names alongside Equestrian/EG names is a bit jarring. It's a bit late in the story now but if any new original characters are introduced I would recommend/request sticking with the naming themes of the show. It just sounds and meshes better. But this is strictly a personal preference/immersion thing with me so your mileage may vary. Opinions, Assholes, all have one, etc.
It seems someone connected to the writing of this story is a grease monkey. :)
I almost get the feeling someone has a breeding fetish as well. Maybe Flutters wants to be called mommy?
The one realistic test I haven't seem the immortality put to is a total vacuum. Getting a bit sciency a moment based on how immortality is depicted it is theoretically possible in a total vacuum blood plasma could (slowly) be drawn from the alveoli not to mention stomach acid would be forced out and the bladder and bowels would be forcefully evacuated.
The unrealistic test we haven't seen...could Rarity's magic blades cut him? If they can a shave and a haircut yo.
700k+ Works and Rarity hasn't magic upped a double-headed dildo for Flutter Fun Fest?
I wonder if Applejack shaved her legs and pits? She doesn't seem like the type...
How fine is Twilight's control of her telekinesis? Could she theoretically grip someone's heart and stop it from pumping? Would it work on another immortal? What about pinching a vein shut in the brain to cause a stroke? Telekinesis is a very powerful ability when creatively used...
End Credits
Ok enough rambling from me. Back to work ye writing machine!
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When I saw the notice earlier today (while at work), I wasn’t quite sure if being added to a bookshelf that has a sad face D: as its title was a good thing or a bad thing. After reading this comment, the answer is clear.
Thanks for reading and for taking the time to share your thoughts.
I’ll be the first one to admit that my early prose was ass.
I see where you’re coming from here. This is honestly something I don’t know if I would repeat if I were to go back and do this again. The main reason I did it was to distinguish OCs from canon characters, and 90% of the names (single names; I don’t give them surnames) used were a reference to someone else—usually a staff member of the show, for example Daniels and Ingram being the show’s songwriter split into two characters. I plan to continue doing this, however, but I’ve tried to use less common/conventional names in hopes that they blend better.
Correct. I work full time as a mechanic, and have been a diesel truck enthusiast for many years—a hobby that still occasionally steals my attention from working on this story.
Oh trust me, I’ve thought of having Rarity do this. The problem I keep having with it, though, is that it reminds me too much that this is based on a kid’s show, and I don’t like thinking about that when I’m trying to write smut with these characters. Something like Rainbow Dash riding cowgirl at super-speed falls under the same category; I find it cheesy, weird and not sexy at all. For whatever reason, using Sunset’s mind reading doesn’t bug me though.
I know there are endless possibilities for this, but I prefer the more superhero-ish hand-to-hand approach as opposed to the whole ‘popping people like Dr. Manhattan’ method. That’s not to say I haven’t had ideas though; I haven’t written any fight scenes with Twi yet, so I honestly don’t know what I’ll do with it.
I appreciate you touching on this. Most of my readers are fairly quiet/non-specific when it comes to specific critiques on the clop, so I’ve just kept doing what I’ve been doing without really knowing if it was good, bad or ‘meh.’
~
I’m doing my best to finish this story, but the past few months have been tough as I, quite frankly, have gotten tired of doing it. But I also hate to leave things unfinished, which is why I’m still going at it—albeit much slower than before. The past few weeks especially have been unproductive: being busy at work (snow tire season), other projects, family stuff, and being under the weather have all conspired against me to stunt my progress, but I promise you and everyone else following this tale that I am doing my best to see it through to the end.
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I know I'm commenting on the wrong chapter but I hsve to save the hole pinke and sonta brownies was nice and I wish my trip into eatibles had been half as nice felt like I was on a ship in a storm and when I went to bed and could not sleep started to freek a bit even went so fare as to have to move my feet because I had not done so in a while and wanted to make sure they were still there lol
Deep thinking in class......
I finally find a mind after my own AND IT ISNT REAL
REEEEEEEEEEEEE