• Member Since 15th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Shining Smile

"I wan't to be someone who can make everyone around me smile, someone people can lean on when they're feeling a little down and out."-Asuna

Shining Smile Joined 15th Jul, 2015 · Offline

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Comments ( 6 )
Mocha Star
Mocha Star #1 · Dec 26th, 2016 · · ·
Reply

It was good

RainbowSparkle3
RainbowSparkle3 #2 · Oct 16th, 2017 · · ·
Reply

Nicely done. Just a few technical errors. :ajsmug:

Sawtoothetherium
Sawtoothetherium #4 · Mar 19th, 2018 · · ·
Reply

Damn! Great job! I am writing something similar you might like. It’s called the end of suffering. Check it out and comment.

Viper Freak
Viper Freak #5 · Jun 18th, 2018 · · ·
Reply

Try and use comma's in your story. For instance, instead of this:

Luna sat on a cold floor in a room so dark that she couldn't see her hoof in front of her face.

try this:

Luna sat on a cold floor in a room so dark, that she couldn't see her hoof in front of her face.

Also, in this line:

At these words Luna felt cooled and wet.

I think you meant "cold" instead of "cooled"

Slipstream95
Slipstream95 #6 · Apr 13th, 2019 · · ·
Reply

I thought this was pretty good, a prelude to what will happen to poor Luna.

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