• Member Since 15th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Monday

Shining Smile

"I wan't to be someone who can make everyone around me smile, someone people can lean on when they're feeling a little down and out."-Asuna


This is a beautiful story about a pony musician falling in love with a bat pony and writing a song about it.

This story is based off the amazing song by Crusader! which you can fined here. Please if you have the time give it a listen it is a beautiful song.

Art by MissDeviated

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

It's not terrible, but it's not without its issues. On the upside, the story is pleasant enough, largely grammatically sound, and you-the-author are clearly paying homage to the song that makes up its backbone. On the downside, the pacing is stuttered, the characters get little development, the song lyrics don't fit all that well with the scenario as an improvisation, and there's a lot of telling where showing would be best. Also, while a somewhat minor note, having the story description describe itself as a beautiful story is a bit self-aggrandizing.

Ultimately, it's hard to get immersed in the story or identify with the characters. The former could be improved by more description rather than stating and a smoother narrative flow, while the latter would require less-blatant shoehorning of the song lyrics and more characterization in terms of motivation and emotion - again, via showing rather than telling.

As it stands, the story is a bit like watching someone play with a pair of dolls; the theme and intent is clear, and that's kind of sweet, but without something to bring immersion and to cause the watcher to care it feels artificial; lifeless. You've got the right idea, but you must understand the story not merely as you write it but as the audience hears it, and with that understanding breathe life into your characters and your setting.

Thank you for this input. It means a lot to me that you would go out of your way to give me this feedback. I will try to get around to improving on this story. and to incorporate your feedback into my future stories. :twilightsmile:

And thank you in turn for taking critism with dignity. Good luck, and I hope you find at least some of it helpful.

good job fellow NC brony

Good, needs editing and polishing, as well as if you're gonna have lyrics in the story they have to be set differently, but it was kinda nice and true to itself. I liked it.

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