Znegil
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Really lol I'm kinda curious why you made it mature?
7795293 i got asked for it a few times and I thought it would be an interesting challenge.
7795531
I found it sweet before but it could work
-face turns crimson-
DAMN DASH
Bravo sir, very well done with the mature setting
The way she acts in this story, I already image her next time doin this would be after both of them got drun, Stella probably sleeping, Ranibow helping herself and Twilight walking in on them/her.
7795599 well, maybe Dashie gets sidetracked by something stronger then just lust.
7795542 at first the plan was just to show the boobs and let Dashie drool in front of them. But I thought about it... how would this version of Rainbow feel in this situation? She would be so turned on, she would have problems keeping herself from touching her... wetness. So just like Stella I took a deep breath and wrote it down.
There is so many (...) Unless your pausing them in speech, but try not to do that a lot. The details should be always shown.
7795727 That is valid criticism, I use the ... a lot ;-)
I should think more about if they are really necessary all the time
The writing quality isn't all that great, and the pacing is rushed, but it is still decently entertaining.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
12:17_12/15/2016
7796375
I know right? That had to be the save of the millennium
7796361 Sorry, I know letting the main characters kiss after only 17.000 words was to rushed
7796411 that's young love. Or just parenthood. You would give everything for your kids.
7796411
That is how me and my fiancée feel about eachother
7796516 Don't apologize to me, apologize to the people who couldn't accept it and continue. I don't have much problem with it honestly; I've read much worse than this.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
16:41_12/15/2016
7796519 THAT is a direct quote from When I'm Gone by Eminem. Great song though.
7796799 I'm german so my english isn't that natural. That the reason why I always tell anyone to point out flaws so I can fix them.
7796805 wow, talk about random chance. I don't even know that song :-)
7796808 Well, I noticed a lot of times where you didn't use a contraction where it would have suited better for the character speaking, like saying I'm instead of I am and other things like that. Besides that, and some other minor things with the dialogue, all that is really wrong with it is the pacing.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
16:55_12/15/2016
7796837 I will try to look out for that. What do you mean about the pacing? Can you give me an example?
7796843 Just how fast some scenes and sections progress. What makes a good story isn't the destination, it's the journey, but when the pacing is too fast, it's like fast-forwarding through the journey. I also noticed a few times where other words would have fit better, but I'd have to go back and re-read everything to find all the instances where this happens.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
17:4_12/15/2016
7796853 well then you should stay away from my other two stories I wrote first. In my opinion I have slowed down my storytelling a lot, compared to these stories but of course I could write it even more In detail. I think this is a byproduct from taking a lot of time for writing a chapter and using Google translate many times if I don't find a word, I guess a native speaker could write a chapter in about 1/3 of the time I need.
7796874 Well, what I would suggest is set up a schedule so you publish a chapter every X amount of time. For example; if it takes you three days to write a chapter about the length you are currently writing at, try to double your chapter length and release once a week.
Give yourself more time to write, proofread, and edit your chapters so you can work out the pacing, and maybe find a pre-reader who can help you iron out some of the issues with word choice and similar issues.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
17:23_12/15/2016
Was starting to lose me at around chapter 9, and completely lost me at 13. The speed of the sudden whirlwind soul romance was way to damn fast, and could have been drawn out a lot more.
7796921 so sorry to hear that. I just write down what I see the characters doing in the imagined situations, so I depends a lot on my mood what I will write. The characters just felt like the back then, this is already a stretched out development were it took two chapters to get then to the same point it was in one chapter before. Even I was very unhappy with this one chapter solution and added with an author's note how I felt and that I was thinking about rewriting it. Stella defended it with her "special bond, felt that before" position and that there had been hints of Twilight's feelings some chapters before that. . But I ended up taking it down after a few hours and rewrote it. You can find my inner struggle in one of the blog posts.
Long story short, I understand you feel that way, but this part will stand now how it is.
7796899 I can try to pace myself even more, but at some point a lot of the fun in writing will be lost for me. This always was just a fun project for me to write down some of the "if this happens what happens next" ideas. Never in a million years I had expected people to like the stuff I wrote. I was pretty sure my sometimes broken english would just push anyone away from it. Then I got a lot if good criticism and I was happy to learn more about writing. "You could do this to make your writing better...", "you could do that... ". Since I don't like to have inferior versions of my story often times I go over all my stories to change things and it feels more and more like work than fun while someone is already writing "When will the next chapter be out, I can't wait."
This here is typical me again, just writing down what I think without erasing stuff. What was the original point?
Changing my style of writing vs. my fun with writing.
I have a lot of other art projects I could be doing instead of this and lay around my house...
Oh... I'm tired, sorry.
Oh gods, that was hilarious!
7796899 This will also be a blog post.
These stories have gotten far more popular than I have ever expected... and quite frankly more than I ever wanted.
I'm happy for all the hints you give me about misspellings, strange use of words or improvements for readability, since I'm not a native English speaker I struggle a lot with words and "Google translate" is my best friend
From this point on I will not defend story decisions I made or the general way I write, instead I will just point to this blog post.
This is just a fun project for me and I want to keep having fun going forward.
Here is another thing I wrote before for one of my earlier stories and it is true for every story I write. If you don't like the way the story is written, but you like the story itself, you are free to write a better version of this story (teen or mature) and publish it on your account, complete with names and everything. I would be happy to read it and will even point others towards it, if I like it. If anyone nags about it, you can always point to this blog post.
7797830 if you like this version of Dashie, there is more of that in later chapters
Gonna hafta get a bucket to hang off Twilight's tail at the rate she keeps making messes...
7797928 talking about printer ink being the most expensive liquid people pay for... I think we found a new winner.
7797852 You see, I would adopt your fic, but I already have two fics in the works (one is a collab with another author, the other is a revisiting of something I started then cancelled).
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
11:36_12/16/2016
7798407 wow, there is an actual term for that. I will keep on having fun here. I'm much more relaxed now after writing that blog post. I wish you luck for your stories, maybe I look into them later... if it is a genre I like.
7798426 I tend to write darker fics, mostly one-shots that are more me challenging the reader to think about the things most try to avoid thinking about.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
12:3_12/16/2016
7798449 I'm more a comedy guy.
7798497 I kinda gathered that. I have strange taste in fics, kinda.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
12:41_12/16/2016
It's pubic hair, not public hair
7798550 yeah that looked a little odd and yet 3 times as funny for me
7798713
ok I'm done
Wow this is just just just just just just..............{Computer} Warning Brain Overloaded Plz wait for Restart.................
7798550 wow, nicely spotted I will change it right now. Public hair is kind of funny...
7798726 glad you're having so much fun
7798912 It's good I will admit, Now I'll wait for the next one while I must sit
Oh, Hello writer! My first time here in your fics and is so cool!
One thing that I found quite strange in fic writings with humans. Are you a mare or a stallion? It seems that the do not put the concept of female and male = / (this bothers me why in equestria to several intelligent races and the way you put them speak as if stallion and mare were a definition of gender.
Sorry, it was just an outburst Because this was not the first time I read something like that = / the author could trade for, are you a she or him? Are you a female or a male? (In cases of ponies they are a little sweet this could be ignored) But the flutershy treats of animals, it would be funny she referring to the angel bunny as a stallion =)
7799290 I feel the show itself is very inconsistent about this, sometimes addressing characters as "girls" for example when Dashie and Twilight fight in the Wonderbolts exam episode, Fluttershy shouts "Girls". The same is true when addressing the Cmc in stare master. At other times they use mare and stallion, but I can't remember them using female. I think the authors didn't really care, in special in the first seasons. So I decided for the concept they would use mare and stallion the same way we use male and female. Like we do refer to the Atari race from Masseffect as a race only containing of females.
Plus, I sounded funny :-)
There is a hydroelectric power plant in ponyville, I think everyone already knows the episode of the buttons mash playing in an arcade, In the episode twilitght of the future applejack repairs the dam of the hydroelectric plant in ponyville =)
7800758 but they still use oil lamps, strange. You're right about that hydroelectric plant, I say most of its power goes to Canterlot and the arcade it the exception. We haven't seen electric lighting in Ponyville, have we?
Celestia dammit Lyra....
Bonbon, Lyra is your marefriend SO KEEP HER AWAY FROM STELLA BEFORE TWI KILLS THE POOR UNICORN