Morning rain

NaiadSagaIotaOar #1 · Sep 16th, 2016 · 1 · ·

I like where you were going with all this. There's not a lot of detail in the story, but you give enough concrete information that I can fill in the blanks, so good job with that. I really liked the little folk tale the pony in the flashback told about the morning rain. That was a nice little touch that just added a bit more depth to the story, and the rain in general made for a really good image towards the end.

Unfortunately, while I love the idea behind this story, I feel like the execution made me enjoy it a little less than I could have.

Let's start with your grammar. It's mostly fine, but there was at least one run-on sentence:

I try and turn my head some more, the pain is so intense, I can feel a teardrop forming, but I did what I wanted, so I stop moving, and lay as I am, waiting for the pain to subside somewhat.

You might consider going back over your work and checking for unnecessary commas. I think that's the biggest problem. There's also a fair number of typos you could fix. In particular, I notice you had a tendency to use "thought" when you probably meant "though," such as in this sentence:

As thought it was taunting me

Sorry if that sounded nitpicky, but things like that get pretty distracting, especially if it's a recurring tendency. Fortunately, these are things that are pretty easy to fix. There are people who are much worse in that regard.

The other problem I have is that it just felt too short. There's some potential here for some really potent emotion, but I feel like you gloss over a lot of it. Like this part, for example:

Those were the last words I ever told him. He went on a mission that day - and never returned. Despite what a pain in an ass he was, it still hurts that he left like this. That I never said him a proper goodbye.

The way Lily remembers Gragson and their last interaction could make for a really great scene, but you only give it a few short sentences. That might have been a stylistic choice on your part, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I feel like the ending could have been much more potent if you developed it a little more.

All in all, I think this story was a great start, but there's definitely room for improvement. There's some good imagery and some good emotional stuff, but it's over too fast and the grammar is a little distracting. I hope all this helps, because I'd love to see more of your writing.

AleaJactaEst

AleaJactaEst #2 · Sep 16th, 2016 · · ·

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7569615 I'm now feeling bad for my comment on your story, lol.

I admit I like long sentences(I don't consider this a good tendency, but I just can't stop myself), and that sometimes I go overboard with it, and as a side result I get a comma problem. The extra commas, tho, might just be a missing part of my education, for in last 3 years of studying (the time I actually put forth an effort into learning English and reading in it) I don't ever recall touching on that subject.

Well, I was pretty sure I got the right word there, thanks And that's okay, I actually though about shooting you a pm on how some places probably, might have sounded better, but in the end decided it was a bit too clingy

Yea, I probably could have done a better job of it, but I was just not confident enough if I be able to stretch it some more without damaging it, so I left it be.

Thanks for the comment

Mister Phoenix

Mister Phoenix #3 · Sep 20th, 2016 · · ·

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Meh, it's okay for a short one shot. I would go on more about it bu5 my cellphone is starting to mess up sorry

AleaJactaEst

AleaJactaEst #4 · Sep 20th, 2016 · · ·

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7578963 I would've loved to hear more details later, if that wouldn't trouble you?

Thanks for the comment

Mister Phoenix

Mister Phoenix #5 · Sep 20th, 2016 · · ·

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7579357 I thought my cellphone didn't make that comment, with is odd. Maybe it because I'm dumb, but I really didn't get it. Or it's the same problem I have have when I read some stories, I start thinking about my own and then I get lost and confuse

Ether way this was a nice small story, and it weird seeing the guy who killed ponies not regret any of it. Well it not too weird because I'm writing a story about three ponies doing just that without any second chances. Or thought, and I got off track again didn't I?

Sorry I do that from time to time when I say that I mean all the time I can't stay forced on one thing it a horrible!

kalash93