- Member Since 23rd Jul, 2016
- offline last seen Feb 3rd, 2023
Heartless BadFox
I may not have a heart for those who wants mercy but I am not cold as ice to not grant that mercy. My creator made me and wish to use me, but they cannot control the darkness and one's will.
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Would this story is getting very interesting to read it has my full attention now keep up the good work update more soon it is very interesting to read.
7571803 The (^.^) and sorry for not working on the other one.
7572012 Share Gif: http://media4.giphy.com/media/sTxvoh6FaU1y0/200w.gif
I like it please continue
This is good man. Keep it up.
The pacing of the story feels a bit rushed to me , but the story idea is interesting
7572420
Hopefully with better writing.
"The Protector" feels too much like a grade schooler's "everything goes exactly as planned for the main character, everything always works out, and things that are going to happen are clearly announced before any action is taken" kind of gary stu story.
It's a good first effort, but it'll take some SERIOUS strides in bettering his writing abilities to make it comfortably enjoyable as a story in it's own right.
You need a proofreader, nothing too bad just some errors like "nonle" or "hinter". Anyways for me it's too rushed and simple: "Hey Applejack," I called out her name catching her attention." Do you want to join me on a search for 'The Hunter'?" She makes it sound like it's a walk to the mall, also without a main reason. I will try this story in another moment, for a second try.
7574160 I thought I fix those errors *sigh* I'll be fixing them. And sorry for the rush didn't have the right mind of writing. Won't do that again.
you just need a proofreader to fix the grammer and spelling mistakes. i read through this getting the suspicion English isn't a language you are really familiar with, some of the story fell like it came from Google translate. the dialogue reads stiff and forced.
i'll keep this in my favorites .
Here a little tip to help proof reading. After you finish a chapter let it sit for a week or so. Don't look at it and don't think about, just move onto something else. Then after the time ends look at the story again; this will let you look at it with fresh eyes.
7578611
... Wish there was a memory eraser machine so I can proofread mine then send it for a proofreader.
while interesting my inner Luna fan hop this does not go like a metrod fic i read once that made luna a asshole who cant see two feet past there nose and cause 90% of the main problems or blames them for every thing
I'm very interested about this story.
I hope you continue making this story.
7611391 thank you. And I will.
7611445 Your welcome. And no thank you for make a good story.
The story idea has meret but the writing it not fluid. It hampers the exoeruance. I would suggest findind a privet place and read the writing out loud. If it is hard to speak or sounds bad ti tge ear then it likely needs yo be changed.
I'm very surprised, that instead of asking the four guards what happened. Celestia and the mane 6 just jump the boat and assume that Cazador is evil. Twilight and Celestia should know better, and shouldn't have Wyndbrain said something to Cazador about the mane 6 seeing the aftermath?
7631509 The four guards were badly beaten and that they were hospitalize in Ponyville so Twilight couldn't ask since they were nearly beaten to death by the griffon. Celestia trusts in her student in every episode even her "big test" to save the crystal Empire. Plus Wyndbain can only talk with Cazador because of their bound souls, and that Wyndbain and Cazador no longer wants to be heroes so they want to travel away. And Cazador doesn't care if ponies saw or not he just doesn't care.
7631693 So the guards were either A) knocked out, or B) in a coma? If so I why didn't you say it? When I was reading through that chapter I didn't see anything, saying that they were unable to speak just that "they were close to death". That doesn't really say that they cant speak.
7632290 You're right I should have mention that. Chapter 1 will be rewritten with more details of the guards' conditions. Thank you for telling me a problem I would have kept messing up and confusing the readers.
7632965 yeah of course!
I gotta say this now but, do you have a editor? there are a fair bit of spelling mistakes in this chapter. If you don't and are looking for one I'm willing to help, and I'm rather curious as to how Luna will react to this news
7646756 yes, but sadly he's busy.
7647000 ah okay
First paragraph and already I see problems.
The first sentence is hard to grasp, i think it needs to be reworded. Also, 'an' before words starting with a vowel. 'An injured one'.
Second sentence, 'a thorn in the rulers'. It's not as bad, but it'd read better if it was 'A thorn in the rulers side', as the expression usually goes. Also, the sentence needs restructuring. Commas in the right places.
Third sentence.
Contradiction, 'in the same first month after the first event'. The way this is worded, it requires multiple readings before it is understood. Initially, it looks like a contradiction, but looking at it now I see that it isn't. So, yeah, rewording.Second half of the sentence doesn't make sense, 'for an unknown reason on why the Hunter was there is still a mystery'. Also requires rewording.
Last sentence could use some work, though it's not as bad.
I'm discouraged from reading any further, I'm sorry.
When you say this story has sex in it, what do you mean?
Through this sentence it goes italic and continues through the story.
Just thought I might let you know.
7722848
Thank you for finding an mistake.
7723668
Thank you for finding a mistake.
good story btw
Where chapter 4?
Oooo daddy that bolt action
More!
Knew it yad something to do with Bloodbourne.
8094782
Um I think Heartless was going that way...I think...I'm not sure.
8179953
Sooo.... It's dead or what?
Because if it is I'll just place it info backburner to read last.
Or if still somewhat alive - it will be interesting to read this month and wait for updates.
8298223
No, just having trouble getting back into writing
Welcome back from the dead
8618707
Thanks
Good story that is not to cliché +50.
The dude is not a god damm 16 year old emo fucker on a depression with no friend in life +100.
The dude is not a little bitch +1000.
Total score: 1150 not to bad !
8620005
YAY
it lives :D
Why did the dragoness suddenly get a name change? from Cynder to Nova?
8640026
whoops been a while I forgot, I'll change it back.
Edited: Done nothing but a simple fix. Thanks for noticing I had forgotten the dragoness' name and overlooked her name when rereading the whole story.
8640459
happy to help
and best of luck in the coming year
8640833
Same goes for you, may Luna bless you.
love it.😊
8656426
Glad you like it
lol didn't see that coming.🤘