King Sombra's Epic Job Hunt

by naturalbornderpy

The Mattress King

Jeremy had hardly been at work for five minutes before he wanted to surrender and retreat. Firstly, he'd forgotten his sack lunch at home. Secondly, no one had made fresh coffee in the breakroom, so he’d had to make some himself. Did the title of manager of Mattress King mean nothing to anyone?

Jeremy frowned. And didn’t bad things usually happen in threes?

A trio of sharp knocks on his office door. “Jeremy? You in there? I think we may have a problem on the salesfloor.”

Yep. Always in threes. With a grunt, Jeremy left his desk and answered the door.

“What is it?” he asked bluntly. “Some kid piss on one of the display mattresses again?”

Richard, Jeremy’s second in command, shook his head. “Afraid it’s worse than that, boss.”

“I find that hard to believe. Unless…” Jeremy winced. “Number two?”

“Maybe I’d just better show you.”

***

It was a pony. A unicorn, to be exact.

It was all black and red like it had recently escaped from a local Hot Topic basement. Complete with a smooth, curved horn and blood red cape, as well. Thankfully, the pony hadn’t noticed Jeremy and Richard approach. He was too busy yelling at Mattress King’s one and only imagination-less mascot, Matt the King of Mattresses, portrayed by a poor high school student named Ben.

The moment Ben caught sight of Jeremy, he scurried over. “Mr. Jeremy? You really gotta do something. This… pony… keeps on trying to pick a fight with me! And I really can’t just tell it to go away, can I? I mean… since it’s talking and all. You know how PETA can be sometimes…”

Jeremy patted the foam mascot suit on the fluffy shoulder. “You did good, Ben. I’ll handle it from here. A talking pony that wants a fight? I think we can—”

“You can do what?” a gravely, deep voice asked from near his ankles.

So focused on Ben, Jeremy hadn’t noticed the unicorn marching towards them. The unicorn focused his red and green eyes on him, studying him. Hungrily.

The unicorn said roughly, “So full of lies and slander, you are, mighty ruler of Mattress King. For a start, I am no mere pony. I am a King! King Sombra, to be exact!” With the snap of his neck, he turned to Ben in the mattress costume, causing him to flinch. “And in no regards did I challenge your precious Matt the King of Mattresses to a simple battle of fisticuffs. No! I requested an official trail by combat! Whether that be mortal combat with a ‘C’ or with a ‘K’, I care not! My skills with Kitana cannot be matched! Just ask my roommate!”

Jeremy had no such plans. He wanted to defuse the situation. Fast. If possible.

He held up both hands. “Fine. Let’s start from the beginning. Why is it that you want to challenge our company’s official mascot?”

The pony known as Sombra smirked, unveiling two pearly white rows of sharp teeth. “Isn’t it obvious? Is it not as clear as day? I want to be your new Mattress King.”

Jeremy knew he shouldn’t ask, but he did so anyways. “Okay. Why?”

Down on the floor, Sombra cleared his throat and straightened his back. “Since the moment you opened your doors this morning, I have been studying your business. What comes in. Who goes out. The difference between an air mattress and a waterbed. The hierarchy of your employees and overall complete lack of happiness . Where your bathrooms are located.”

“We’ve only been open for thirty minutes,” Jeremy said.

Sombra brightened. “And yet in only thirty minutes time did I discover just what this place was missing. Care to guess?”

“You?” Richard ventured with a shrug.

“Correct! How smart you are…” Sombra stood taller to read Richard’s nametag. “Ass Manager Richard.”

“It’s assistant manager Richard.”

“I don’t care,” Sombra replied coolly, before continuing. “For an entire two weeks now, I’ve been exploring the working world. One day spent at a horrible coffee shop. Another day spent trying to entertain female humans that wouldn’t appreciate a hot dish if it was shoved right in their faces. And, perhaps worst of all, two nonsensical hours spent at Burger King, trying to tell them how best to take over the fast food world.”

At that, Richard snickered. It was a bad move.

Sombra whirled on him with fire in his eyes. Literal green fire. “Something humorous about my current job struggles, Mr. Ass Manager Richard? Or perhaps you prefer Mr. Ass Manager Dick?”

Richard went stone-faced. “No. Nope. Nothing funny here. Just laughing… uhh… laughing at how dumb Burger King was! Not putting you in charge? Get out of here. Ridiculous. A pony in charge of a multimillion-dollar business? Makes total sense.”

In the blink of an eye, Sombra’s rage vanished. For a moment, he almost looked cute—all happy and pony-ish for a fraction of a second. Until he smiled again, showcasing those darn sharp teeth of his.

“And I’d only begun telling them about my takeover plans. Imagine this! Burger King takes over White Castle! What sort of respectable King is complete without a castle to call his own? Well, their loss. Terrible company, let’s be honest. Beaten every year by Pippy Longstocking and some red-haired clown? Bah! I tried other burger places, but… Hardees? More like Hardlees! Jack in the Box? More like…” He actually had to think on that one. “More like Jerk in the Box!”

Finally, Jeremy took control again. He thought he let the pony rant on long enough. “Well, I must say I’m impressed, but as you can see…” He nodded towards Ben in the Mattress King costume. “We already have a perfectly good Mattress King.”

Sombra’s mouth dropped. “Seriously? But he’s not good at all! I mean… just look at him! How in the Dark Lord’s name does this padded rectangle of a creature strike fear into the hearts of the competition? I bet he couldn’t slash a price in half if his life depended on it! Unlike me! Who has his very own razor-sharp sword! The only reason it’s at home right now is because they wouldn’t let me take it on the bus, but I’ll bring it next time! Promise!”

When neither Jeremy, Richard, (or especially) Ben said not a word, Sombra sluggishly lowered his head and trotted towards the entrance. “All right,” he muttered as he went. “Have it your way. Trademark. I shall depart. Only one last thing… sneak attack!”

BLAP!

A great bolt of red energy shot from Sombra’s horn, effortlessly slicing off Ben’s head. Not his real head, mind you. Merely Matt the King of Mattress’ fake foam headpiece. Regardless, Ben crumpled to the carpeted floor like a ragdoll. He obviously had the right idea. Play dead and hope the pony went away soon.

With a new spring in his step, Sombra crossed the showroom to the two remaining humans, stopping by Ben’s motionless body to nab his large foam crown. Already an audience of early morning shoppers was gathering. And. truthfully, who wouldn’t be curious? It wasn’t everyday that a dark-furred unicorn tried to take over a local mattress store.

Sombra fiddled with the oversized crown until it fit. “As you can plainly tell, I am a true King through and through. If I can’t get what I want, then I take it by force. Or I lie. Or I steal. Or manipulate. Either way, say hello to your new Mattress King! Unless…”

Again, Sombra’s creepy red and green eyes found Jeremy’s. In an instant, he felt as if all happiness had vacated the room, replaced by pure misery and sorrow.

“… this somehow makes you the new Mattress King?” Sombra said. “In that case, I sure hope your head’s screwed on tighter than this crown's previous owner's.”

Jeremy gulped. “Nope. No disagreement here, my new… King. Let’s see now.” Quickly, he glanced around the showroom and grabbed the most apropos object within reach—a long, white neck pillow. He used it to “knight” the dark pony thing. “Now rise… Sir Mattress King. And may your rule be as balanced and comfortable as our new Slumberland twin-sized mattresses located near the back.”

With such a growing crowd around them, Jeremy couldn’t help but plug.

After that, he quickly escorted both Sombra and Richard to another part of the store while Ben took off his mascot costume and went on a well-deserved break.

***

In a quieter part of the store, Sombra unveiled his “master” plan of attack on all nearby mattress and/or furniture stores. He paced back and forth like some pony-sized general as he spoke. “Leon’s… Lowes… that wench Ashley’s Furniture! These are the names of our enemies. Dare not forget them.”

Richard raised a hand. “Don’t forget Ikea.”

Sombra shook his head. “Not yet. Too easy to get lost in such a large and confusing place. No. For starters, we shall systematically destroy and takeover our closest rival. The Brick! And I’m sure you’re both asking yourselves, ‘But how, oh mighty King?’ Well, the answer is as simple as it is deliciously ironic. With the use of one window and one brick—”

“We throw a brick through their window?” Richard answered for him.

Sombra growled. “I don’t remember asking you a damned thing, Dick Ass Man!”

Richard sighed. “It’s Richard. Assistant Manager, Richard.”

“I care not!” Sombra eyed him suspiciously. “And, pray tell, how did you fathom my perfect plan before I told it to you? Stealing the King’s secrets already? Don’t you make me banish you from this fluffy, rectangular kingdom.”

Jeremy stood between the feuding pair. “Here’s a better idea. Sombra? That’s the name, right? If you’re to be our new Mattress King, then don’t you think it would be a wise idea to actually try out some of our stuff? Here. Let me show you this one. Just came in, actually.”

The trio stood before a normal enough looking mattress. A red warning sign was taped to the side.

Sombra poked it with a hoof. “What’s it do?”

Jeremy groaned. “What do you think? It’s a mattress! You sleep on it, of course!”

“Oh.” Sombra poked it again. “I’ve been living on a couch the past few years. This is all still very new to me.”

“Then give it a try!” Without pause, Jeremy grabbed two handfuls of Sombra and chucked him onto the mattress. “It’s called Insomniac’s Dream. Made by some highly skilled tech guys in Europe. Supposed to cure all sleep problems instantly.”

Atop the mattress, Sombra sat down with a thin smile. “Seems rather silly. I toss and turn almost every night.” Then he yawned. “Although… this is…” And yawned again. “Rather soft… and comfortable.” His eyes closed and his mouth slackened. The last thing he muttered before passing out was how the title “Insomniac’s Dream” contradicted itself.

Jeremy and Richard turned to each other.

“What’s the plan now, boss?” Richard asked. “Drive him out to the middle of a cornfield and leave him there?”

Jeremy mused on that. Just as a group of adults with accompanying children gathered behind them. One of the fathers asked, “How much for my kid to take a picture with your pony? Or it is some kind of store special?”

A terrible notion popped inside Jeremy’s head. A wicked, deplorable, dangerous notion.

Yet one that could make him money, too. A whole lot of money.

He told Richard, “The cornfield is now Plan B.”

***

“What do you mean my kids don’t get a picture with the Mattress King?” the latest adult customer asked Jeremy angrily. “I bought a brand-new mattress for this crap!”

Jeremy glanced at the sales slip. “That you did, my friend. Only… you purchased a Queen-sized mattress. I’m afraid the photo deal is for King-sized mattresses only.”

“Then what does a Queen-sized get me?”

Jeremy thought on that. “The use of our washrooms.”

Another customer in the growing line asked, “What about the purchase of a futon?”

“The chance to rethink your life choices that brought you to this point.”

Before Jeremy could answer anymore questions, Richard pulled him to the front of the line—a line forty or fifty people thick already. Jeremy tried to do the math in his head. If each one of them (minus children) had purchased a King-sized mattress in order to get the photo with Sombra, then that meant—

“We’ve got a problem,” Richard cut into his thoughts painfully. “A possible lawsuit-slash-jailtime problem.”

“Oh?”

Richard pointed towards the mattress Sombra was pleasantly sleeping on. Surrounding him were a half-dozen adults and children posing for pictures. An adorable little kid hugged Sombra around the middle. “I love you, Mattress King!”

Jeremy shrugged. “I don’t see a problem.”

That was when Sombra slurred out, still traveling somewhere far in dreamland, “And I… love you…”

Jeremy faced Richard. “Still don’t see a problem.”

“You tiny… completely edible… human child…” Sombra finished sluggishly.

Richard said, “Cornfield time?”

Sadly, Jeremy had to agree.

THREE MONTHS LATER

For the second time in two days, Jeremy watched the local news at home and felt the need to jam his thumbs inside his eye sockets. He drank a beer to help dull the pain.

“Local farm company Quality Corn,” the news reporter read out, “has officially changed its title to The Corn King following three straight weeks of record sales and doubling of market stock prices. Whether this has anything to do with their newly appointed unicorn mascot ‘King Sombra’ or the completely unrelated destruction of nearby competitors’ cornfields over the last several weeks remains to be seen. Regardless, all this recent talk of corn has somehow convinced California-based nu-metal band Korn to officially become a Corn King sponsor. A music video between Korn and The Corn King’s mascot ‘Sombra’ is expected in the upcoming days. Now a look at the weather…”

Jeremy polished off his beer with a grimace. He still felt bitter about it all.

Maybe throwing a brick through The Brick would make him feel better…

Author's Note:

Who doesn't ship King Sombra and Korn?

Comments

[ROBCakeran53]

This... This was good.

[Nuanced]

Nice to see things work out for ponies who truly deserve it.

[Hazey Logic]

i love the character of Dick Ass Man. that is a seriously unfortunate combination of name and job title.

[WARGAMES]

He tries to take over EA
HE actualy makes GOOD games

[Mister E]

Eagerly awaiting the Mexican hat franchise.
The standard, the deluxe, and the 'King' Sombrero!

[naturalbornderpy]

9287272 Thank you! Glad some people actually read this extra bit of randomness.

9287461 Purely accidental, honestly. In real life, I'm an assistant manager, so I just refer to myself as the Ass Man. I named this guy Richard at random and suddenly... "Wait. Isn't Richard also Dick?" And yadda-yadda-yadda that's the story.

[Nightspawn]

So is this fic Going to be like Sonic for Hire, or Devil is a Part Timer

[NoGoodUsrNames99]

Can't believe I only just now got around to reading this.
You still have the best interpretation of Sombra to date.

[Revluc_The_Pony]

This was too hecking good!