Sacrificing Susan To The God Of Mercury
I shook hands with my latest appointment and showed him to the door. He was good. Not great, mind you, but good enough. Although, I don’t think much of that honestly mattered with the entry-level position I was offering to people that day. Starbucks barista? Yeah. Any regular Joe or Jane would fit the bill just fine. As long as they weren’t crazy or anything, of course.
Closing the door to my cramped makeshift office, I returned to my desk and took a look at my next appointment: K. Sombra.
“Huh,” I muttered. “Karl or Kevin? Now I’m curious.”
My curiosity was only increased tenfold when someone loudly rapt on my door—hard enough to leave marks, I was sure.
“You in there!” the person outside spat lowly. “Are you the ruler of this land? The true Lord of Starbucks? If that is correct, then I wish to hold palaver at once!”
“Uh…” I rose to open the door for them, but my next “appointment” wasted no time and entered without invitation—quickly settling his completely exposed rump on my thin plastic visitor’s chair.
I was at a loss for words by the sight alone.
The thing that had just entered my office appeared to be a three-and-a-half foot tall grey pony with a wavy jet-black mane and tail complete with a curving red horn. On his back was a horribly tattered crimson cape and tucked around his ears was a shattered crown held together by what looked like large amounts of tape and glue.
Like a deflated balloon, I collapsed back to my chair. “K. Sombra?” I asked him meekly.
The pony flashed his sharp teeth at me. “King Sombra, if you’d be so kind.”
“We don’t really go for ‘titles’ here at Starbucks,” I tried to explain gently. “For example: all of my employees just call me Charles around here.”
Sombra raised a sharp brow. “Then how will your slaves know who’s in charge?”
I sighed. “Because I’m the only one that gives them their paychecks, but I think we’re getting off track here. You want a job here? You actually want a job here? You?”
“Well,” Sombra said, rolling his venomous red-and-yellow eyes around in his skull, “there seems to be quite a bit of difference between ‘want’ and ‘need’ and at the moment I ‘need’ myself a steady means of income.” He glanced at the floor for a second. “Steve’s been hounding me recently about paying rent.”
“Roommate?” I asked.
“Long story,” Sombra replied dryly, while I hurriedly scribbled down “Boyfriend?” on his resume I had open on my desk.
While taking a quick look at it, I brought it up to cover most of my face with. Since the very moment he’d entered the room, I don’t think Sombra had stopped staring at me once. Or even bothered to blink.
“Says here you used to run an entire Empire by yourself,” I gathered from his short list of previous jobs. “But there’s no reference phone numbers available. Were you fired from your last job?”
Sombra barked out a single laugh. “You could say something like that. I was torn into a thousand tiny pieces and shot clear across the land by the power of love. It was only due to my extreme hatred and need for revenge that I didn’t die that day.”
I whistled in astonishment. “Your employees must’ve really hated you, then. A while ago, I heard of something similar happening to a McDonald’s manager downtown.”
Sombra’s expression softened a bit. “Really? There didn’t happen to be a baby dragon involved, do you know?”
I stared at him deadpan. “No, Mr. Sombra. Of course not. What happened to you is of the completely insane and impossible variety.” I took another glance at his resume. “Says here you then worked at Baskin Robbins for a total of… six hours. What happened there?”
“They asked me to wear a hairnet,” Sombra growled between his teeth.
I nodded. “That’s pretty standard, I’m afraid. Most food service places make you wear a hairnet these days. Or would it be a mane-net in your case?”
Gingerly, Sombra raised one of his hooves to playfully poke and prod at his wavy mane. “You’d honestly ask someone like me to hide this beautiful hair behind a net?”
Again, I nodded. “Yes, I would. It’s part of the rules.”
“You want to touch it? It’s really soft.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine, thanks. But returning to…” That was when another thought occurred to me. A far more disparaging thought. “You didn’t happen to work at the Baskin Robbins down the street, did you? The one that burnt down last week?”
Sombra used another hoof to hide the smirk on his lips. “Fire? Smoke and flames and all those delicious screams? I can’t seem to remember what happened there now.”
“I read in the paper that all the exits were blocked by chairs—that people barely made it out of there.”
Sombra muttered more to himself, “That’ll teach that stupid kid not to drop his messy ice cream cone on my perfectly mopped floor.”
Anxiously, I rubbed both of my hands together. “Again, we’re getting off track here. Let’s try some standard interview questions, all right? Where do you see yourself in five years time?”
“Eating a burrito on the couch,” Sombra answered without pause. “It’s usually around this time of the day when I eat burritos on couches. Great combo, if you ask me.”
“I meant career wise,” I corrected. “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
“Oh.” Sombra lightly tapped on his furry chin. “Well, if I haven’t recaptured the Crystal Empire by that point, then I’m sure I would be ruler of Earth. Or a used car salesman. I’ve heard they’re quite terrible people underneath their friendly exterior.”
Suddenly, I was feeling a lot more tired than I was a few minutes ago. “How ‘bout in one year, Mr. Sombra? Where do you see yourself then?”
Lifting his chin, Sombra motioned to the chair I currently sat on. “Behind that desk—perhaps with your stuffed corpse acting as my personal throw rug.”
My lips thinned instantly. “That’s disgusting.”
“How else would my employees know to fear me? Unless their original ruler’s cold, dead eyes stared at them each and every time they come speak to me?”
“You’d be arrested, Mr. Sombra,” I informed him bluntly. “For murder and for a whole lot of other stuff, I’m sure.”
He furrowed his brows at me. “Is that not how I get to claim your job from you? One-on-one fight to the death? I’m partial to swords, but we can always go hoof to fist. Where is Starbucks’ armory, by the way? And do you usually hold fights-to-the-death in the outside parking lot or do you have somewhere special to go? Sorry about all the questions, but I’m still very new to this whole job thing.”
I exhaled loudly and began rubbing at my temples. “I will not be getting into a fight with a three-and-a-half foot tall pony in the parking lot. I like my job, so I think I’ll keep it, thanks.”
Displaying a single fang, Sombra went on to add, “Would it change your mind if I told you your death would be completely painless? Or that your loved ones would be taken care of in your absence?”
I pointed a sharp finger at the pony. “You keep my wife and kid out of this.”
“Then defeat me in one-on-one combat, Lord Charles!” Sombra trumpeted. “Both of us must understand that Starbucks only needs one true ruler to govern over it!”
Holding my hands out in front of me, I left my seat to get around my desk. “I think I’ve heard enough. Don’t worry, Mr. Sombra. Don’t call us. We’ll call you.”
As I opened the door behind him, Sombra didn’t budge a single muscle from where he sat. Instead, he frowned and crossed both of his forelegs over his chest.
“Fine. Have it your way, Lord Charles,” he began angrily. “If I cannot have your job, then I must prove to you my worth so I may quickly rise above you. During my time in the Crystal Empire, I managed to fix an entire damaged economy before destroying it again even worse than before. Needless to say, I am a very good idea pony.”
Standing by the open doorway, I thought about grabbing the small creature and removing him from the shop myself. Then I caught sight of some of his many sharp teeth and soon put that idea on hold. Maybe he’d leave on his own if he talked long enough.
I returned to my desk and rested my head on a hand. “Go on.”
My returned interest must’ve excited Sombra as he scooted his chair a little bit closer towards me. “I’ve been inside this place for less than an hour and already I know what must be done to improve it. What do you call that large creature that guards the coffee and pastry treats in the other room?”
Already, I didn’t like where this was going. “You mean Susan? The employee working the counter right now?”
“Yes,” Sombra replied hungrily. “This ‘Susan’ must be dealt with. Immediately.”
“Why?”
“Because she is fat and we must trim the fat if we wish for this business to survive.”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head to my desk. “We aren’t firing Susan. She’s one of our best employees and weight has absolutely nothing to do with anything. You stupid hairy jerk.”
For some reason that made Sombra snort. “Who said anything about firing? You know what would boost employee morale around here? A good old fashioned sacrifice to the God of Mercury.”
“We aren’t sacrificing one of our employees to the God of Mercury, Mr. Sombra.”
“The God of Coffee Beans, then?”
“No.”
“But think about it, Lord Charles!” Sombra declared brightly. “We could even do it on company time, so we could get a tax write-off for it! And who doesn’t love feasts? Susan sandwiches anyone? I’m sure there’s enough in there for some second helpings.”
I buried my head into my hands—not wanting to look at the pony anymore. “Can you please go away already?”
It seemed Sombra wasn’t ready to budge just yet. “I told you I was an idea pony! So many ideas everywhere I look! Why… I have so many ideas shooting out of me at all times I should probably be wearing an idea diaper just to catch them all with!”
I snuck a quick peek through the cracks in my fingers to find him waiting patiently. Was I supposed to have actually found that funny somehow?
“Here’s the pitch!” Sombra continued on unabated. “You sell a brand new coffee to every one of your customers for a month, okay? It’s tasty! It’s delicious! It’s hip and it’s fresh!”
“But what’s the catch?” I asked, instantly hating myself for egging him on.
Sombra’s smile widened. “It’s all poisoned! A slow acting poison that kills all who drink it!”
“That doesn’t sound great for return business.”
“But here’s the best part!” Sombra nearly gushed. “We then offer another new coffee in all our stores—the antidote coffee! We charge them a thousand bits a cup so they won’t die and reap the rewards!”
“No,” was my only answer to that.
“But—”
“No.”
Sombra glanced away to think for a moment. “I could… I dunno… be your spokesmen or something. Do commercials and billboards and stuff. I could ‘pretend’ to drink the coffee and say that it’s good. I won’t actually drink the coffee because your coffee’s rather terrible, but I could always lie about it. I even have a tagline ready: ‘Starbucks—good enough for a King! Better make that next order Sombra-sized!”
I glared down at him. “Considering you’re basically the worst creature I’ve ever met in my entire life, I hardly think you’re qualified to become Starbucks’ latest mascot.”
Somehow that didn’t cause Sombra’s grin to disappear. “Although I am still more likeable than that sub sandwich guy right now.”
He had me there. “True. But that still doesn’t change anything.” I awkwardly tapped my fingers along my desk. “Don’t you… maybe… have somewhere else to be right now? Another job interview perhaps?”
Sombra shook his head. “Nope. I’m free all afternoon.”
“Splendid,” I said through clenched teeth. Then I yelled through the open door. “Susan? Is my next appointment here yet?”
“Yes, Charles!” Susan called from the other room. “Want me to send them in?”
Visibly pissed, Sombra gritted his teeth and shot daggers at me. He angled his head to shout into the outer room. “Don’t you dare send them in, Susan! King Sombra is not even close to being done in here! One more peep out of you and you’ll find yourself on very thin ice with me!”
He then turned to me in order to helpfully clarify.
“That’s actually a bad thing for Susan because ice can break under too much weight. And Susan’s so fat that it would break quite easily underneath her. Susan’s fat. That’s what I’m getting at. She’s bigger than most.”
I held a hand up to halt him. “I got it. Very clever. More fat jokes. Now what on God’s green Earth can I do to get you to leave my office today?”
“Simple, Lord Charles,” Sombra explained lightly. “Give me a job.”
Sighing what was left of my soul into the air, I finally told him, “Fine. You’re hired. Welcome to team Starbucks.”
***
The latest customer entered the store and lazily strolled towards the counter—a trail of drool seeping out from between their lips. Without emotion, they asked for the exact same thing the last thirty-one customers had also asked for. Namely: “the most expensive item on the menu times twelve.”
As Susan hurriedly made to complete their order, I took another glance through the shop’s windows to carefully monitor Sombra standing outside. To get him out of my hair, I’d originally given him one of those cardboard signs to hold above his head to try and drum up business. Obviously, Sombra had discarded the sign almost immediately and instead began yelling at passersby until they stopped and stared into his haunting eyes for a short while.
“That creepy little pony’s hypnotizing them, isn’t he?” Susan asked me from behind the counter.
I didn’t answer with words—only a small nod. By that point in time, I felt too tired to even speak much anymore.
“Should we call the police?” Susan ventured timidly.
My shoulders slumped and I sighed. “Maybe after the afternoon rush. Sadly, that insane pony’s great for business.”
Was about halfway through another Discord one-shot when Sombra literally broke into my house and cried until I wrote about him again.
That cute little bastard. 
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God... This story was a riot. Sombra's method of making money. Hypnosis...
Yay! The fabled return of Som-bro has come!
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/002/739/e1c.gif
R.I.P Jared Fogle.
Next up, will Sombra get that used car job?
Can't find a summer job eh?
Brilliant! Although, what corporate giant wouldn't take advantage of hypnotism?
awesome
Decent as a way to stop Sombra from maliciously deleting your account.
And that's about it.
I would've hired him the second he walked in.
If you don't want Sombra send him to me. We have to catch up. ~hug
This was funny. The transition to Sombra being hired was jarring though, Charles seemed dead set against hiring Sombra, then somehow he reaches the conclusion the best way to spend the minimum amount of time with Sombra was to hire him.
I am better in my Interviews. I am terrible at work.
Also.
Yes.
Sombra could Sell Stones Blocks for artists who do sculptur work... with Stones. He can conjure crystals, Rocks etcetera, right?
I finally started on the Bad dude fanart: BD in Full body sombra pajamas. Need to shade everything.
OMG this was PRICELESS! Actually, I'd prefer Sombra to a used car salesman any day, but that's just me
Damn it, Sombra! Steve is going to be pissed.... or maybe not if he actually returns with rent money.
I do wonder that if Sombra was a mare if you could right the character with the same insanity. Probably wouldn't make a difference.
Author!
GENIUS!
7209446 If it were Queen Umbra (Is that r63 Sombra?) she'd probably try to seduce the manager and become his Queen. She's do terribly, of course, but it's the thought that counts.
Also, yo derpy. You did it again. Sandwich guy gets paid for being disliked. You should fire him, because if Sombra was at Starbucks (I've never tried Starbucks, sue me (Don't actually sue me Starbucks pls)) I'd totally buy things.
Well, I've been out of uni for a year with no job. Perhaps I should try Sombra's approach.
Funny... I had to show up with copies of my resume for at least three days in a row before the owner of the bookstore I worked in hired me out of badgering. "I mean, either way is fine, just let me know. Number's at the top. See you tomorrow." ...in fact... It also burned down, but sad, not funny. (We had cats there
, and books from the 1500's 
.)
Anyway, apparently I could learn something from Sombra. 'How to Win Customers and Force HR to Talk to You'.
I wonder what Steve had to threaten him with to get him to this point...
7209693
. It's worth a shot, but you should probably go for a softer sell than K. Sombra. Or not. That might be why I didn't get the job at the D/s club. 
No joke, I got the best job I ever had by showing up and bothering the owner of a bookstore every day
Sombra should hire himself out as an office party Chippendale. I mean with a body like that along with his bad boy attitude, sign me up as his first client!
Words fail me...
You know... I've got the same problem as he did but I'm not sure I could pull that off without getting murdered. It is worth a shot though...
North Korea hires Sombra to be the new Dear Leader when the fat little fascist pig currently in charge accidentally dies from falling down an elevator shaft onto some bullets.
And Sombra actually does a better job...
He broke into my house last week and was crying too.
I just laughed and stole his lunch money.
Follow up: Sombra joins the Freemasons and 48 hours later is made Chief inspector of the metropolitan police.
We need a story were an incarnation of Sombra, like this one, goes around, accidentally destroying whatever fictional or alternate universes he comes across by simply looking for a job.
Something like Sombra landing in the middle of Half-Life 2's City 17 Citadel, begging the Overseer for a job, and brainwashing Gordon Freeman into sticking his head into a blender.
A story about an epic job hunt? and it's written by naturalbornderpy!
Okay, I'm sold, what do we got here?
What's the meaning of rapt when used as a verb? Google and Dictionary.com only have it as an adjective and that doesn't seem to work here.
Now I must ask, who, and why. What did the "sub sandwich guy" do?
~Leonzilla
7210276 Dude!
How could you? He needs his mid-day snacks!
7210013 What a silly thing to say...
Me too... front row...
7209605 I picked Starbucks because I hate Starbucks. Tim Hortons all the way!
7209529 Yes. Bow to my below averageness.
7209446 Queen Umbra would be similar, but a bit different.
Fun fact: the only time I ever truly thought about doing clop involved Queen Umbra and the mane six plus Celestia and Luna. What a... terrible few minutes there.
7208706 I'd love to see that artwork. Please post it if you finish it!
7208265 That's basically the author saying, "Out of material? Over 2k? Looks like we're done here!"
7208180 This is weird. I'm noticing my followers are divided into categories: Sombra, Discord, changelings, dark stories, fluff stories. If only I could write a story with all of them!
7207966 Actually, I'm trying to get out of my current job. It's terrible!
7207934 I was debating making this into a series. Starbucks, Walmart, Dennys, ect. But it might become the same thing again and again. But you never know! Maybe Sombra opens up his own business at some point.
7207905 Slightly. Only for those that have read "Unmotivated" before. Which should be everyone!
7210665 ok
7210665 I love this type of Sombra: totally alien mindset, efficient, stubborn, not afraid to get his hand dirty. Not the filtered stupid one in Bad Dude. (Yes, I know that story has an everyone rating, you cannot allow Sombra to be himself)
Sombra is like grumpy cute pet and if l lived with him he would not be the most annoying person I have stayed with. He just needs little conditioning. He would be an okay housemate in my list of the people I have stayed with.
OK! WE GET IT! Susan is... larger than life!
Why can't King Sombra work for Taco Bueno? Taco Bell has a chihuahua so logically Taco Bueno should have Bueno Sombrero!
Jared Fogle is... sub-par to K. Sombra.
Did he really just... Bask in the glory of a Baskin Robin fire?
7210665
Send my way, god knows I need more income
Seems like a legit way to find customers.
Are there any laws against hypnotizing them to take their money, anyway?
On an unrelated note, the way Charles, Susan and (sadly off-screen) Steve reacted to the existence of an evil talking pony with dark magical powers makes me want to know more about the world they live in.
Damn man, back at it again with the Sombra stories.
7211790 with the mention of Steve, I think it's one of his previous stories.
Edit: "Sombra The Highly Unmotivated" I think.
Edit2: then again he calls other characters Steve too.
7211790 You could consider this in the "Post Unmotivated Verse" -- with humans used to ponies and changelings and griffons for the most part. "Pony Break" and "(Not My) Home Sweet Home" are sort of in this verse.
More comedic Sombra? I am pleased.
7210643 I'm more evil than anything! THAT'S HOW I COULD DO IT!!! Now behold as I steal Chrysalis' favorite blankie!
Directing movies is definitely the best way for Sombra to go.
Truly, job hunting is the great equalizer among the good and evil alike. But not the wealthy. They have connections.
Ghee okay that ending was funny. Good job
THIS WAS TOO FUNNY! Nothing can top that!
Me in 5 years
... I wonder how a Burger King interview would go...
Even Megamind would call him insane
Okay, I think we're going in the style of Sonic for hire
Funny!