"I cannot believe you are actually going through with this, sister!" said Princess Luna, a look of frustration decorating her muzzle.
"I'll only be gone for a month, Luna. I'm sure you can manage." With the patience of a true artist, Princess Celestia airbrushed the finishing touches of her cutie mark onto the life-sized figurine.
Luna huffed. "It matters not how perfect a replica it is, Celie. The ceremony shall be a waste of millions of bits, not to mention the emotional turmoil you are causing to your citizens!"
Celestia turned to her sister and gently cupped a hoof beneath her chin. "You'll be fine. My little ponies should learn to deal with loss, and it's worth a few million bits if I get to have a vacation for the first time in a millennium."
"But what of your friends, Celie? How are they expected to handle this tragedy?" asked Luna.
"It's been taken care of," said Celestia, with a soft smile. "Twilight and her friends already know, as does Cadance. My senior staff have been briefed, and they are prepared for every contingency. If dignitaries from foreign lands decide to visit, they will enjoy the ceremonies and our kingdom will grow stronger."
Luna reached out and experimentally moved one of the figurine's seamless articulated joints. "And when the public learns of this ruse, after the most expensive funeral in the history of our great nation?" said Luna. "What then, oh dear sister?"
"Luna, we've already gone over this," said Celestia, frowning. "We'll just say I came back to life. Most of them think I'm some sort of goddess. They'll buy practically anything we tell them. When I return, we'll all have a grand celebration. You'll see."
"If they believe anything we say, surely you have the authority to demand a vacation," said Luna.
"Don't you think I've tried?" asked Celestia, as she leaned with her front hooves against her sturdy doppelgänger. "Unlike you, I can't set hoof outside the castle without an escort. Most of the royal guard were hired before your return. They have been specifically and rigorously trained to prevent me from shirking my responsibilities, which was a necessary check in the time before Cadance became an alicorn."
"Will the guard not listen to reason?" asked Luna, furrowing her brow.
Princess Celestia took a deep, cleansing breath. "The guard are changing, but it takes time. It will be at least thirty years before my bonds loosen and I am tired of waiting. I am doing this now, and that is final," said Celestia, and then the gentle smile returned to her face. "For the coming month, you will get to see firsthoof just how annoying it is."
Luna sighed dejectedly. "I fear neither annoyance nor toil, but I do not look forward to eulogizing my sister, whom I love so dearly. Worse yet, I do not believe my attempts will be believable. I know you yet to be among the living, and I am not so gifted an actress as you are. This burden you are placing upon my withers pains me, Celie."
"Okay, fine. Maybe your performance won't be realistic," said Celestia, with a shrug. "No matter. You're a powerful alicorn under great stress. For royalty, any behavior short of actual crime can be justified, no matter how queer."
"Any behavior?" said Luna, the muscles at one corner of her muzzle twitching. "Perhaps. We shall see what our citizens can swallow."
"That's the spirit!" said Celestia, smiling broadly. "Have fun with it."
Thousands of ponies gathered below the stage, politely gasping and whining as everypony struggled admirably to avoid committing open treason. The sea of faces squirmed, bodies tensing and jaws gnashing as though each pony in attendance desperately needed to pee.
At the front of the crowd, the table of dignitaries showed remarkable restraint. Most of them planted one hoof or set of talons directly in their mouth and covered their eyes with the other. Only the emissary from Yakyakistan seemed completely unaffected.
In the first row of the audience, Pinkie Pie clearly fared worst. Her cheeks bulged out from holding her breath as her face turned a multifarious array of colors, while she simultaneously and repeatedly punched herself in the side of the head. Rainbow Dash sat right beside her, eyes clenched tightly and whining through her nose as though in great pain. Twilight's other friends hid their faces in their hooves and desperately gasped for breath every minute or so.
On Luna's right flank stood Princess Twilight Sparkle, blushing furiously. On her left stood Princess Cadance, hiding her face in her hoof. In front of the alicorns lay the coffin on a shining golden pedestal, from which Princess Celestia's unmistakable, royal Sun-emblazoned hindquarters emerged like a hillock of smooth ivory. Far overhead, the Equestrian flag flapped gently in the breeze. Yet nopony dared look toward it, for the shiny metal pole stretched toward the Heavens at an unseemly angle.
"...and neigh, though we may never know the full reason why my sister saw fit to shove a flagpole so far up her own royal posterior as to take her dearly beloved spirit from this world, I am certain we can all rest assured she died doing that which she loved most. And for that, we are grateful."
Pinkie collapsed onto the ground, pounding her hooves mightily against the stone flooring as a high-pitched whine gurgled in her throat.
"Lulu, why did you do this," mumbled Cadance, wincing as she bit her tongue.
Twilight Sparkle sighed. "She's going to kill you," she whispered. "Certainly, you realize this."
Luna smirked and whispered back. "Acceptable. I am prepared to fake it."
Oh gosh! I'd say this is Lulu getting back at Tia for throwing this on her. The flagpole thing is hilarious. Just.... That's honestly all that can be said about this. Awesome.
I am certain we can all rest assured she died doing that which she loved most.
God damn, that is absolutely perfect
7057879 Man can you imagine people giving her gifts after this, after learning this is what she loves the most?
Flawless!
It probably says bad things about me, but I really liked this one. I ended up rating Dying for Attention higher, because I thought it was a more ambitious story, but the line about Celestia's ass rising like a white hillock from the coffin was just perfect.
Also I love the idea of the Yakyakistani envoy sitting through this like it's the most natural thing in the world.
The "white hillock", "dying doing that which she loved most" and Pinkie Pie and Dash nearly dying of laughter?
I am in *tears* here.
Luna: Get rekt for doing this to me, Celly.
Glorious.
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Thanks! Yes, this one certainly seems to be the crowd-pleaser.
I agree with your rankings. I needed to add a substantial amount of horsewords to this story to fix the objections I received in the Writeoff, as well as to tilt it E-ward. On the other hoof, Dying for Attention remains virtually the same.
I loved the Yakyakistan emissary too, partly because I left it so ambiguous. Does he assume this is normal for ponies? Can he not see past his wool? Does he have a different sense of humor? Is he better at controlling his gut reactions? Is it because of his foreign culture? Is he just really stupid? Is it some combination of these? Nopony can say.
This is horrifyingly perfect
I thought all of these were good during the Writeoff, but this was one of my top picks due to its sheer hilarity. It's even better now, with the longer build-up.
I'm trying my hardest not to laugh. In a library. At my school. Surrounded by testing people.
Okay. I shouldn't have laughed at this. I really tried. But...the moment Luna began her bit of dialogue, I lost it. Not only did I loose it, I absolutely lost it and scared the living hell out of my cat.
Thank you. This made my day.
Ahh, I haven't laughed this much in a while.
That said, the first half is a lot weaker. You can probably cut it down a fair bit without hurting the story.
By Celestia's mighty sun-marked flank... that was bucking hilarious.
Please excuse my unusually (for me) crass language. I thought it appropriate.
This is why I feel so strongly we should try a 500-1000 word minific round.
At 750 words, this was a bit short on context and left some unfortunate implications hanging. At 1000 words, this is the crown jewel of this collection.
And that was how Equestria changed its flag....
I can't I just can't! *is still laughing along with my husband* Here! for this chapter alone an upvote!
This one got me actually laughing when I read it. I agree with the other person who said you should have left 'ass' in, though. I thought it made the perfect garnish to the situation, like a cherry on top of a big mound of vanilla... uh. It worked, anyway.
...she deserved that. She really did.
Well, that certainly was a thing. A short, slightly weird, ridiculously funny and amusingly ridiculous thing.
Really, Celestia, you have nopony to blame but yourself.
I daresay that Luna has helped Celestia loosen up her problem, probably. Good job.
Brilliant:D
This shall bring a whole new meaning of respecting the flag and saluting the quarterdeck to naval ships throughout Equestria.
Edit:
If only they knew... "This not REAL Princess Corpse with Flagpole shoved up the Royal fundament, YAKS SMASH!"
And later, in private, in a soundproofed room, "Yak wanted to smash that Royal posterior for a long time".
I had to read it twice to get it bit when I did I almost died for real
The flagpole thing reminds me of Vlad Tepes, because reasons....
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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What he said.
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BUTTPLUGS! BUTTPLUGS EVERYWHERE!
Oh god the end of it had me rolling over laughing. There was a fan comic that had this same idea, but the concept behind it was far different. Celestia was trying to prank Luna and got buried alive. As good as that comic was this was far better, the build up to the end with Luna was great.
OMG You Absolutely NEED to do a part 2 to this when Celestria either returns from her vacation, or her response when she sees the news reports about the funeral...
I'm half tempted to write it out myself, but I'd think it would be a failure....
This was outstanding... I was in tears as I read it, my face was cramped.
Well done, take a bow...
Kimonoskunk <><
7066165 oh i want a link to said comic if you can provide it
ouch. that reminded me of that classic Dick Tracy story where Tracy knocks The Brow (a nazi spy) out the window and he gets impaled on a flagpole flying an american flag.
the book said it was a "pointedly ironic" ending...
That was absolutely hysterical.
"...and neigh, though we may never know the full reason why my sister saw fit to shove a flagpole so far up her own royal posterior as to take her dearly beloved spirit from this world, I am certain we can all rest assured she died doing that which she loved most. And for that, we are grateful."
OH MY CELESTIA That was hilarious
Oh my god.
OH LORD! Celestia is going to be so flippin mad! LOLOLOL!
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Since comment dates are shown; I decided to reread this section. It was still extremely funny.
I still couldn't let loose because my hotel buddies would get nosey.
They go hard in Yakyakistan. Deaths like this are generally expected.
Bloody Brilliant!!! That was absolutely freakin' amazing!!!
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Why do I find this a third time I need to keep quiet? Man, I’m not TRYING to wake the whole house!
I read this and all of Celestia's lines hearing your voice.
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I am so sorry.
she is a goddess. when you control the sun and the stars themselves theres no doubt about it