• Published 23rd Mar 2016
  • 5,586 Views, 139 Comments

Dead and Loving It - Trick Question

Three dark comedy minifics: Trixie is late to her own funeral, Luna covers for Celestia's absence, and Applejack goes coffin shopping.

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Dying for Attention

It was a scheduled rainy Thursday. A small group of ponies gathered together on the hilltop cemetery near Canterlot.

"Thanks for coming, everypony," said Twilight Sparkle, standing at a small covered podium with a set of note cards. Conversations died down as ponies took their seats, umbrellas open. Most of the chairs were empty. Aside from her six dearest friends, Twilight didn't recognize anypony. The crowd probably just wanted to witness a princess giving a eulogy.

She cleared her throat and flipped through her notes: once, twice, three times. The herd waited patiently while the princess fidgeted.

I have to do her justice, thought Twilight. Everypony deserves to be remembered.

Twilight took the microphone in one hoof. The speakers at the base of the podium crackled and whined, and then she spoke. "We are gathered here together to remember The Great and Powerful Trixie, a showpony and mage of incredible talent—"

"Wait!" shouted a voice from halfway down the hill. "Trixie is not yet prepared to receive your adoration!" Ponies turned and stared as The Great and Powerful Trixie herself came galloping through the rain, dressed in her magician's hat and cape.

Rainbow Dash stood up and groaned. "Leave it to Trixie to fake her own death for attention," she said. "Do you have any idea how much you upset Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?"

Trixie gasped. "How dare you! The Great and Powerful Trixie would never fake her own death! That kind of stunt is beneath a pony of Trixie's stature," she stated, her head held high. Upon reaching the podium overhang, Trixie removed her hat and wrung the water out of it, then placed it back upon her head.

Twilight Sparkle sighed as Trixie approached her. "I assume you can explain, Trixie?"

Trixie sauntered up to Twilight and pushed her aside. "Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. The Great and Powerful Trixie will hear your touching eulogy after she has given her own."

"See ya," said Applejack as she placed her own hat back on her head and stood to walk away. The crowd began to disperse.

"No, wait! The Great and Powerful Trixie is indeed, tragically no more! She has travelled from the past to visit her own funeral!" Trixie shouted into the microphone. "Please, do not leave!"

"You must be joking," said Rarity, wearing a scowl.

Twilight took the microphone from Trixie. "I don't think she's kidding, everypony. I performed the autopsy myself."

Exchanging confused glances, ponies returned to their seats.

"I have to admit, this is a really good trick!" said Pinkie Pie with a bright smile, her eyes still red from a previous bout of crying.

"Do you really think it's wise to speak at your own funeral?" Twilight whispered. Trixie rolled her eyes and took back the microphone.

"This funeral is a complete injustice to The Great and Powerful Trixie! Why are there so few ponies present? Where are the banners? Where are the hundred-hoof high statues?" she demanded. "Surely, there will be a second, larger funeral?"

Ponies in the crowd made faces ranging from embarrassment to contempt. Fluttershy squeaked and hid her face in her hooves.

"Trixie, nopony has seen you in over twenty years," Twilight said, very gently. "Your body was found unresponsive in a Canterlot alleyway two days ago."

Trixie gasped and made tiny choking sounds. "But, but how? You must find the monster responsible for the most treasonous crime of robbing Equestria of a pony so wonderful as The Great and Powerful Trixie, and bring them to justice! Immediately!" Trixie grabbed Twilight by the shoulders and shook her violently.

"We're looking into it," Twilight said, peeling Trixie's hooves off of her. "But you appear to have died of natural causes. Simple heart failure. I'm very sorry."

Sadness briefly cloaked Trixie's face, only to be replaced by angry resolve. "Twilight, Trixie demands you turn these speakers up loud enough that everypony in Canterlot may hear what Trixie has to say."

"Oh dear Celestia no," Spike whispered to Rarity, who huddled beside him.

"But we can't turn them up louder without—" said Twilight.

"Fine! Then the Great and Powerful Trixie shall do it herself!" she announced, and jumped down off the podium into a large mud puddle between the speakers.

"Trixie, NO!" shouted Twilight, as The Great and Powerful Trixie reached for an exposed speaker wire.

"Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk-chk," said Trixie, her body spasming in place. Then she collapsed into the mud, dead.

Spike finally broke the silence.

"I'll go get the timeport spell," he grumbled.