It was a scheduled rainy Thursday. A small group of ponies gathered together on the hilltop cemetery near Canterlot.
"Thanks for coming, everypony," said Twilight Sparkle, standing at a small covered podium with a set of note cards. Conversations died down as ponies took their seats, umbrellas open. Most of the chairs were empty. Aside from her six dearest friends, Twilight didn't recognize anypony. The crowd probably just wanted to witness a princess giving a eulogy.
She cleared her throat and flipped through her notes: once, twice, three times. The herd waited patiently while the princess fidgeted.
I have to do her justice, thought Twilight. Everypony deserves to be remembered.
Twilight took the microphone in one hoof. The speakers at the base of the podium crackled and whined, and then she spoke. "We are gathered here together to remember The Great and Powerful Trixie, a showpony and mage of incredible talent—"
"Wait!" shouted a voice from halfway down the hill. "Trixie is not yet prepared to receive your adoration!" Ponies turned and stared as The Great and Powerful Trixie herself came galloping through the rain, dressed in her magician's hat and cape.
Rainbow Dash stood up and groaned. "Leave it to Trixie to fake her own death for attention," she said. "Do you have any idea how much you upset Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?"
Trixie gasped. "How dare you! The Great and Powerful Trixie would never fake her own death! That kind of stunt is beneath a pony of Trixie's stature," she stated, her head held high. Upon reaching the podium overhang, Trixie removed her hat and wrung the water out of it, then placed it back upon her head.
Twilight Sparkle sighed as Trixie approached her. "I assume you can explain, Trixie?"
Trixie sauntered up to Twilight and pushed her aside. "Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. The Great and Powerful Trixie will hear your touching eulogy after she has given her own."
"See ya," said Applejack as she placed her own hat back on her head and stood to walk away. The crowd began to disperse.
"No, wait! The Great and Powerful Trixie is indeed, tragically no more! She has travelled from the past to visit her own funeral!" Trixie shouted into the microphone. "Please, do not leave!"
"You must be joking," said Rarity, wearing a scowl.
Twilight took the microphone from Trixie. "I don't think she's kidding, everypony. I performed the autopsy myself."
Exchanging confused glances, ponies returned to their seats.
"I have to admit, this is a really good trick!" said Pinkie Pie with a bright smile, her eyes still red from a previous bout of crying.
"Do you really think it's wise to speak at your own funeral?" Twilight whispered. Trixie rolled her eyes and took back the microphone.
"This funeral is a complete injustice to The Great and Powerful Trixie! Why are there so few ponies present? Where are the banners? Where are the hundred-hoof high statues?" she demanded. "Surely, there will be a second, larger funeral?"
Ponies in the crowd made faces ranging from embarrassment to contempt. Fluttershy squeaked and hid her face in her hooves.
"Trixie, nopony has seen you in over twenty years," Twilight said, very gently. "Your body was found unresponsive in a Canterlot alleyway two days ago."
Trixie gasped and made tiny choking sounds. "But, but how? You must find the monster responsible for the most treasonous crime of robbing Equestria of a pony so wonderful as The Great and Powerful Trixie, and bring them to justice! Immediately!" Trixie grabbed Twilight by the shoulders and shook her violently.
"We're looking into it," Twilight said, peeling Trixie's hooves off of her. "But you appear to have died of natural causes. Simple heart failure. I'm very sorry."
Sadness briefly cloaked Trixie's face, only to be replaced by angry resolve. "Twilight, Trixie demands you turn these speakers up loud enough that everypony in Canterlot may hear what Trixie has to say."
"Oh dear Celestia no," Spike whispered to Rarity, who huddled beside him.
"But we can't turn them up louder without—" said Twilight.
"Fine! Then the Great and Powerful Trixie shall do it herself!" she announced, and jumped down off the podium into a large mud puddle between the speakers.
"Trixie, NO!" shouted Twilight, as The Great and Powerful Trixie reached for an exposed speaker wire.
"Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk-chk," said Trixie, her body spasming in place. Then she collapsed into the mud, dead.
Spike finally broke the silence.
"I'll go get the timeport spell," he grumbled.
...Well, that's one original way to go out. I'll grant this version of Trixie that much.
- At least The Great and Deceased Trixie delivered a shocking performance.
That ending was Great and Powerful! ...how many volts was that anyway?
7059831 I would imagine it's empathy, mostly. Ponies seem to be in touch with their empathy quite a bit more than real world humans typically are, and even though Trixie was a jerk much of the time, she didn't want her to die. Additionally, a funeral is practically the exact opposite of everything Pinkie holds dear, so that probably contributed to her tears as well.
I think Trixie just created a paradox. I certainly hope the universe doesn't break.
7060171 I... think it's a stable loop, actually.
The electrocution stopped her heart now, so I think they're now going to send her body back in time to the alleyway to be found.
And then the funeral will happen, she'll come to the funeral, get electrocuted, get sent back and so on and so on ad infinitum.
7060247 All those years she were gone was because she went forward in time O.o I like it.
7060247 No, it's not even a loop. It's a curl in Trixie's timeline.
1) She starts out 20 years ago. Timeports to her funeral.
2) Dies.
3) Twilight timeports the fresh body to last week in Canterlot.
4 (takes place between 1 and 2) Autopsy, funeral planned, body in the coffin
5 (still dead at 2)
6 (still dead at 3)
7-infinity (still dead)
It didn't occur to me when I was voting on this originally, but it occurs to me now: Twilight didn't notice that Trixie hadn't aged a day in twenty years?
I really liked the premise, anyway--leave it to Trixie to time travel shenanigan herself to death in a quest for greater accolades.
7060756
I realized that was a plot hole but decided against trying to lampshade it because there's no way to shoehorn the observation without it interrupting the flow. Trixie doesn't really give Twilight any time to provide those details.
7060574
I rebutted this here 7060579 (in the wrong chapter).
"Captain we've discovered who killed Trixie."
"Good job Johnson, very well done. Who's the killer?"
"Stupidity sir, her own stupidity."
That was rather funny, I'll have to read the rest.
This... hurt my head. In the best possible way. Now you have to do one where she accidentally becomes her own mother, or something
7061044 and father. And crazy uncle. And dotting aunt. At the same time. No one finds that weird.
It would go a long way to explain her...
oh, the ending reminded me of a story i read, think it was on a website called "the daily WTF" where some people were setting up some large speakers and one of them noticed that the wires were crossed in a dangerous fashion, and told the foreman-who then decided the best way to warn people not to use the unsafe speakers was to make an announcement over those same speakers! fortunately the guy who had noticed the wires managed to pull the plug in time to keep anyone from getting hurt.
That was great. XD
7777067
Why yes, yes it can... read this mate.
Twilight should have recognized that Trixie was electrocuted, and not "simple hear failure."
Well...that was both hilarious and terribly morbid...
I am confused.
8756296
Can't it be both?
9774867 My favorite of these is the Trixie one, BTW. I think because the ending surprised me, Spike's reaction was perfect, and the "we are here to mourn Trixie even though we don't really miss her" setting established a snarky-but-not-cruel mood that let the twist ending be shocking (sorry (not sorry)) without any sudden descent into sadism.
9775131
Did I give you a copy of my book? I'll kick myself if I didn't. And also ship you one.
I bought your print book, "Lovely Darkness," and I'm doing some podfics of the stories! Here's the first one! https://archiveofourown.org/works/20673635
Or, if you prefer listening on YouTube, instead of downloading, here's the YouTube!
Dying for Attention
A Deal to Die For
9837144
Thanks! I'm glad you've enjoyed it.
That was brilliant.