- Member Since 27th Nov, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 23rd, 2023
TheLuckyCosmos
Slightly new to writing online in my free time, friendly guy who loves FIM.
TheLuckyCosmos
Joined 27th Nov, 2015 ·
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Not bad, although perhaps a little rushed. We'll see how it goes in chapter 2.
6737200 Yeah I always have a fear of rushing stories. I have written a lot of short stories in real life, and I think that has made it so I naturally try to condense stories down too much. I will try and focus on pouring more details and story behind them, and try to make them feel paced correctly!
Thank you for the feedback!
Ok, I was expecting this just by reading the synopsis and seeing the word lenght: it's too quick, way too quick.
First, in the synopsis: something happens.
Of course, something happens, it's a story, I expect something to be happening. But I also expect to see the stuff happening.
Here it's just only focused on Scootaloo VERY sudden attirance to Twilight.
That's really great, where is that conversation? Of course it would be way too long to put all the conversation here, but a little bit of it, and particulary on the subject on hand (scootaloo cutie mark) would have been great. And it would have been the occasion to develop Scootaloo crush on Twilight instead of making it sudden and coming out of nowhere.
Other thing, why Scootaloo suddenly call Twilight Twi? Did they bond really well during that conversation? A reason more to have developped it.
And the end...
If the clop part is going to be like this, I'd better stop reading right now.
Details, add details.
Instead of just saying what's happening, show this, give premise, like Scootaloo approach the door and she hears strange noises, she hesitate to open the door, she does it sowly and she's shocked to see Twilight on her bed, her hoof between her legs, etc... (not like that, those are just quick examples)
Overall the quality is far from bad, just rushed and you miss some parts that could help develop the story. For now we just have:
Scootaloo goes see Twilight, Sudden crush, Twilight masturbate, Sex, end.
Where is the story?
6737301 Thank you for the feedback. I do realize I have rushed the story. Like I told PiMan I am too used to writing really short stories in real life that it's taking some time to actually break out of that and put more detail into making longer stories. I think i'm going to edit it right now and add a lot more to it.
i like it
Funny and Cute cant wait for the next chapter
I liked it
Except for the part when Twilight was doin bad things
But other wise it was cute and i loved it
Cant wait for the next chapter if theres gonna be one
I'd say you're not bad at all at writing conflicting romance, and the ending of this chapter felt right. I don't think Twi would rush into something like this. The phrasing is a bit rough, but that works itself out over time with practice, and there are no glaring mistakes.
I like that their story seems to show the impact of anti-pedophile cultural mores in a neutral light. Keep up the great work.
Cute and funny, I like it. I hope you take the criticism constructively and write some more!
It's really amazing how with such short chapters you can make the story going on naturally.
It's still short but less rushed, good job.
Love it! The understanding nature of Rarity I feel is spot on. I like how the age of consent is when a filly gets there cutie mark.
I am definantly becoming a HUGE fan of your writing, please keep it up.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
Well Seems Like you Added another Fetish to my Sticky Note on my laptop.
Can't wait for more.
Wow everyone, I am absolutely blown away with all the support you're giving me! Thank you so much, I can't tell you enough how much it means to me.
6774125 I try my best to not drag stories on, and i'm glad it feels natural!
6774129 Thank you so much! Yeah I figured a cutie mark was the perfect reason to allow such relationships to happen.
6774165 Glad I could be of service! More will for sure be on its way!
You know for your first time this is a work of art ?!
6974418 It should be ready tomorrow
Absolutely loving this story when is chapter 4 coming
Wow! This story is epic!
I think you need to work on grammar and capitalization. I love what's there, but you need an editor. You definitely need help with keeping ponies in character.
Some miscapitalized "I"s here and there but it is enjoyable.
Old enough for a mark, old enough to make her bark...
Eh. It works.
more plz!
6774810 update?
*poke*
lol is you dead
will there be a sequel?
Not feeling forced at all.
Yeah, not forced at all. That concern in the corner of your mind? Ignore it. ;]