• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Aegis Steelshield

Just a city boy, trying to write some pony fiction. What's so wrong about that?


Step into the hooves of the vampire hunter, Aegis Steelshield, as he fights for the mysterious Lady Rarity.

First of the Pony Tales series.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 4 )

Aegis Steelshield

Ah, you sly bastard. :raritywink:

Sound. Active voice used appropriately. There are several somewhat jarring punctuation and spacing errors. I suggest pasting into MS Word or another spell-checking program.

Ex. - "Let him come, brother," said the unicorn opening the door, "We will take him as one,"
-should end in a period

Ex. - stunning, beautiful really.Her snow white fur
Technique (Narrative Flow and Pacing / Concept Interrelation / Use of Devices):
Main narrative delivery device: Story-in-story.

Flow: Great. Your pacing is undoubtedly the highlight of your writing. It’s very action-oriented, but it is an action-centric story, so it fits the theme perfectly.

Use of Device: Notification of narrative devices should not be in the Author's Notes. If it is something integral to the understanding of the story, like the identification of the narrator, it should be in the story itself. Even then, the delivery is kind of clunky. As far as the foreshadowing, I couldn’t really discern foreshadowing or Chekov’s Guns beyond the very blatant “Someone else is behind this!”

Your characterization of Rarity was amusing. The “romance-novel-reading drama queen” persona is on point. The characters within the story are pretty bland, but considering they’re avatars of the narrator, that is again understandable. If you're going to 'blame the narrator', though, make sure the narrator herself gets effective attention.
Content (Concepts, Ideas and Phlebotinum):
Nothing original here, but in-universe causality is wielded adequately in context. A fair amount of trope use bordering on the cliché, but can be forgiven on the condition of this being a story-in-story, thus attributing said exaggeration to the narrator.
No real unifying idea or moral to speak of. It’s a light, action-based story and reads as such.

Over Verdict: Decent, but unpolished. Has the potential to be a good Rarity character study, if artfully delivered. :unsuresweetie:

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