Step into the hooves of the vampire hunter, Aegis Steelshield, as he fights for the mysterious Lady Rarity.
First of the Pony Tales series.
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 3rd Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Monday
Aegis Steelshield
Just a city boy, trying to write some pony fiction. What's so wrong about that?
Aegis Steelshield
Joined 3rd Jun, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- The Shade · 15k words · 80 18 · 3.1k views
- Flammenwerfer · 269k words · 1,603 57 · 30k views
- Revenant Wings · 28k words · 81 5 · 2k views
- Shinzakura · 435k words · 1,122 151 · 40k views
- Erindor · 226k words · 898 55 · 18k views
- J-90 · 74k words · 784 47 · 12k views
- Wanderer D · 1.3k words · 369 16 · 5.9k views
- Mega NewWays97 · 23k words · 647 68 · 26k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.088 seconds
Total duration
884 users online
1,367,950 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ah, you sly bastard.
no wait a bit
You got me hooked. Nice job.
Mechanics:
Sound. Active voice used appropriately. There are several somewhat jarring punctuation and spacing errors. I suggest pasting into MS Word or another spell-checking program.
Ex. - "Let him come, brother," said the unicorn opening the door, "We will take him as one,"
-should end in a period
Ex. - stunning, beautiful really.Her snow white fur
-space
Technique (Narrative Flow and Pacing / Concept Interrelation / Use of Devices):
Main narrative delivery device: Story-in-story.
Flow: Great. Your pacing is undoubtedly the highlight of your writing. It’s very action-oriented, but it is an action-centric story, so it fits the theme perfectly.
Use of Device: Notification of narrative devices should not be in the Author's Notes. If it is something integral to the understanding of the story, like the identification of the narrator, it should be in the story itself. Even then, the delivery is kind of clunky. As far as the foreshadowing, I couldn’t really discern foreshadowing or Chekov’s Guns beyond the very blatant “Someone else is behind this!”
Your characterization of Rarity was amusing. The “romance-novel-reading drama queen” persona is on point. The characters within the story are pretty bland, but considering they’re avatars of the narrator, that is again understandable. If you're going to 'blame the narrator', though, make sure the narrator herself gets effective attention.
Content (Concepts, Ideas and Phlebotinum):
Nothing original here, but in-universe causality is wielded adequately in context. A fair amount of trope use bordering on the cliché, but can be forgiven on the condition of this being a story-in-story, thus attributing said exaggeration to the narrator.
No real unifying idea or moral to speak of. It’s a light, action-based story and reads as such.
Over Verdict: Decent, but unpolished. Has the potential to be a good Rarity character study, if artfully delivered.