Lady Rarity

by Aegis Steelshield

Hallucinations

Our hunter awakens to find himself in a place between life and death...

The clouds parted, revealing a full moon against the backdrop of five multicolored nebulae. Steelshield fell to one knee as an indigo mare landed next to him.

"Hello Princess Luna."

"Hello my hunter. Do you know why you are here?"

"I've failed. I died, didn't I?"

He can't be dead! It's just getting good!

Her voice is like velvet as she speaks, "No, my hunter. You are... Merely injured. You will live to fight another day.

"What concerns me more is the mare you've given sanctuary to."

"Her name is Rarity, your Highness."

"Yes... Rarity." Her voice has taken a strange tone. "She is a..." Her words fail her for a moment, "She is more than she appears, Hunter. Be careful with her. Powerful enemies lie in your futures."

"Thank you for your concern Princess, but you chose me for my ability in a fight. I can handle them."

"Your bravado has served you well in the past Aegis... But if you are not careful, it will be the end of you. The enemies you must face are more powerful than any you've fought before. They make the mountains shake in fear, the oceans tremble. They are more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be mindful of where you tread. I cannot always be there to protect you.

"I ask you Aegis... Will you be careful?

He bows, "Yes, my Princess... I will be careful. I promise."

She smiles down on him, "You have served me well Aegis, and I will never forget that. May fortune smile on you."

"And may it smile on you as well."

Author's Note:

Yea, this was way shorter than I wanted it to be. Sorry about that, I'll make the next one longer.

I Pinkie Promise.

Also, I'd enjoy getting more comments and likes, if you've enjoyed this so far.

Comments

[Hierophant]

Mechanics:
Sound. Active voice used appropriately. There are several somewhat jarring punctuation and spacing errors. I suggest pasting into MS Word or another spell-checking program.

Ex. - "Let him come, brother," said the unicorn opening the door, "We will take him as one,"
-should end in a period

Ex. - stunning, beautiful really.Her snow white fur
-space

Technique (Narrative Flow and Pacing / Concept Interrelation / Use of Devices):
Main narrative delivery device: Story-in-story.

Flow: Great. Your pacing is undoubtedly the highlight of your writing. It’s very action-oriented, but it is an action-centric story, so it fits the theme perfectly.

Use of Device: Notification of narrative devices should not be in the Author's Notes. If it is something integral to the understanding of the story, like the identification of the narrator, it should be in the story itself. Even then, the delivery is kind of clunky. As far as the foreshadowing, I couldn’t really discern foreshadowing or Chekov’s Guns beyond the very blatant “Someone else is behind this!”

Your characterization of Rarity was amusing. The “romance-novel-reading drama queen” persona is on point. The characters within the story are pretty bland, but considering they’re avatars of the narrator, that is again understandable. If you're going to 'blame the narrator', though, make sure the narrator herself gets effective attention.

Content (Concepts, Ideas and Phlebotinum):
Nothing original here, but in-universe causality is wielded adequately in context. A fair amount of trope use bordering on the cliché, but can be forgiven on the condition of this being a story-in-story, thus attributing said exaggeration to the narrator.
No real unifying idea or moral to speak of. It’s a light, action-based story and reads as such.

Over Verdict: Decent, but unpolished. Has the potential to be a good Rarity character study, if artfully delivered.