a human has a crappy day, then falls into a manhole, get changed into a pony, with powers, then is drop into equestria to have fun,
this is my first go on hypnosis/mind control. So, feedback is greatly appreciated.
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A tad bit rushed .... So far it just seems like a normal self insert but please prove me wrong.
~T.CC
6427777 Will try
It's seems that you are going for the telling not showing story try and have more descriptive words and language it draws readers in quicker most if the time.
~T.CC
6428128 k
this vaguely reminds me of The Hypnotic Adventures of Blank Sheet by LightMask. This cold become a good story, but I think that you would need to do better for the character to just accept the orders, even if he is under mind control, he is given by an unknown creature and be just sent to Equestria to just wreak havoc where ever he goes. I would also like to know why would Discord just accept to help the guy with out any real question or with out any clear gain for him, and I don't think that he would do Chaos just for Chaoses Sake. I hope things will get clearer soon, in the next chapter.
6429107 Is it bad to say that t gave me idea to have a human come make chaos and have fun doing it
6433064 not at all, I don't see anything rung with being inspired your idea of an other one, I am just wandering how your story is going to stand out from the original idea. So far, your character is gathering his servants but not much so far. I am looking forward to see more of this story to make a better opinion on it.
I made kill work of them,
I made QUICK work of them,
~T.CC
“Go upstair, and asleep for a bit.”
“Go upstairS, and SLEEP for a bit.”
~T.CC
I agree with other's assessment. It's an interesting fic concept, but it doesn't really stand out in any way. The plot feels like an excuse for the hypno action, and the character feels like a bland Everyman who really could be a natural born pony.
6452204 I never written a hypno/mind control book before, so I don't actually know how to make it better, any suggestions
6452253
I find Mind Controllers are goal-oriented in most cases, be it a plot or simply trying to get some. They're usually quite clever and capable of planning out their moves (And your character does seem to be avoiding a lot of Evil Overlord tropes, which is nice.) It's always a nice bonus when they're cultured and seductive.
As for the mind control bit, I use a simple equation to get a rough idea of how much effort is needed on that front. Generally, the stronger the target and the more will they have, the more the hypnotist has to work. Also, if the command goes against morals or personality, it's much easier for the target to resist.
As for the characters and writing in general. It seems to be a series of quips and quotes. Instead of the characters reacting to what happens in the story, the story is being written to draw out the actions and reactions you want. It doesn't feel natural.
6452322 hm, I'll try it for the next chapter
6452326
You do seem to be addressing the issue somewhat with those potions he's seeking out, which is a very good start.
“where ARE Vinyl, Octavia, and Fluttershy?"
You forgot the ending speech mark
You will FORGET that I control Luna. Do you understand?”
Forgot is past tense
mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/sig-3363860.sig-3363860.img-3363860-1-derpy.gif
~T.MC
P.S I give up on you
I get the impression you have no idea where you're going with this story.
6631458 I know the ending, but I'm just going for it
6631465 I don't know, the story just feels kind of jerky to me. Motivations aren't properly explained, hypnosis is done for no reason...and why did you character jump out the window
6631944 I might redo the chapters, don't know when if I do. He jumped out the window cause he thought Celestia was there. so he couldn't use the front door. I really need a proof reader
I think the premise of the story is interesting, but the hole process of taking over Equestria is, in my opinion a little amateurish, which is perfectly normal for some one how doesn't know a thing about subverting a kingdom. I like some of the ego trip that he goes though, but I would like it more if he showed off more of his overconfidence of his situation and see him start making mistakes or that he start realizing the limits of his powers or that it see that that his time is running out and has to find a way to stay alive longer. But, I am rather looking for the moment when he frees himself of the influence of the evil influence. But in so doing, I would expect he loses control over his slave and turn on him afterward and then he finds himself either a prisoner of the thrown or that he is on the run all the time.
The main problem that I see in the story is that I don't see any real challenge to his rule and every thing seem to fall in place perfectly for him with out any real effort on his part or moral dilemma that he is faced with.
6668540 ok I got the ending already planned
The story is very interesting and has great potential and plot, but I see many things askew. The story is being written in haste, it is as though it was not corrected or previewed in care, there are many mistakes, and there is not enough explanation on what is happening in the story. I do recommend searching for an editor or someone who would love to work on this story alongside you. I also recommend fixing or editing your recent chapters before continuing. But aside from unwanted commentary, I wish to see more of your amazing imagination in the near future.
I would just like to ask: how exactly is it that his plans get completely uprooted in like 5 seconds?! Also while your note may say that the ending might not be what was expected, thbeats true, but the ending is only unexpected because it's very, VERY, unsatisfying.
7240416
he went to bed, then woke up later
Why does this story have so many dislikes? I mean, it can't be that bad, right? ...Right?
7701966
maybe the grammar of it