Run of the plague

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Run of the plague

A plague has wiped out almost all of Equestria, and a biologist is sent to Equestria to save most of the ponies.

Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated

Chapters (6)

Ch 1 stopping and sent to Equestria · 5th Oct 2015 · 1,047 words
1,047
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Ch 2 Decisions · 6th Oct 2015 · 970 words
970
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Ch 3 getting settled in · 9th Oct 2015 · 1,150 words
1,150
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Ch 4 Everfree Forest · 15th Oct 2015 · 1,669 words
1,669
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Ch 5 The First One · 20th Oct 2015 · 1,256 words
1,256
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Ch 6 Research · 8th Nov 2015 · 1,693 words
1,693
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Comments ( 3 )

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null_name5656

null_name5656 #1 · Oct 6th, 2015 · 1 · · Ch 1 stopping and sent to Equestria ·

I have a particular interest in disease. Tiny parasites that you cannot see, but work so fast and hard that their effect is noticeable within hours. I could do a brief look over of this story, starting with the cover, first thing you see right?

So far the cover isn't the best, No Cover Art, not all that great of a title, and its very short. The minimal limit for stories is 1,000 words; this is 47 words above that limit. I'm a rather fast reader and I could probably blow through this story in a few minutes if I wanted to while still taking a lot of it in. That is not good. I'v seen plenty of great stories where despite the fact that I'm a fast reader they managed to keep me there for an hour, sometimes hours. This is a one shot so it isn't going to be all that long but at least try to get above 2K words. The chapter title doesn't make all that much sense but I'v seen worse.

The description on the other hand is short. Its too short in fact. It needs to describe the scenario. From what the desc has told me so far a human biologist was just walking along doing derpity squat when a pony appears on the sidewalk through a portal and pulls him back into Equestria to help cure a disease (possibly saying "I am a talking horse, there is no time to explain!" before pulling him in). Whats this humans name, do we even know if it is human? Well we don't know anything about this human or what it was doing but we can piece together that it is human based on the human tag. There isnt much else to write home about (aside from the up/downvotes being turned off which is a massive no - no in my opinion, however this is an opinion) so lets move onto the story. I'll read through it and share my thoughts.

EDIT:
The story was only as short when I first posted this comment, its gotten longer since then

null_name5656

null_name5656 #2 · Oct 6th, 2015 · 1 · · Ch 1 stopping and sent to Equestria ·

Alright, I used to be a really mean guy when it comes to looking over these stories but I have matured. I am above raging out and making writers feel bad. But I am gonna be completely honest here, so don't read through this if you think this will offend you personally but after reading through the first two paragraphs my hands have become numb, sorry had to get that off my chest.

Alright, where to start. Well its really fast. At the beginning the biologist (who is named Timber; sounds more like a pony name than a human name all things considered but I digress) is driving along when he sees an animal in the road and swerves out of the way to avoid hitting it (so far so good; albeit a bit rushed) after getting out of his car and 'heading toward the animal' even though I think it fled into the woods (detail is everything) he finally catches up to it and only just now notices that its a tiny multicolored horse with a mark on its side (you probably would have been able to see that when you where about to hit it but I digress, again) when it 'grabs' him with its hooves (so many problems here, I really am trying to keep a cool head) and holds him close. It opens its eyes and they are pure whites (why he doesn't just run away at this point is a mystery. Pretty sure I would be spooked the hell out, would punch the thing in the face, and would run back to my car; but that's just me).

He arrives in Equestria after being hit by a car and is immediately forced to explain what the hell is happening on his end while Twilight very briefly explains what alicorns are and who the alicorns are. Rather than freak the hell out Timber remains unusually calm and collective even when seeing a baby dragon. Thats about it really. It kind of just stops. Obviously there will be more chapters after this, and aside from the multiple things I pointed out just now there are so many grammatical errors and a few spelling errors that I didn't point out. At one point Timber noticed how ponies cowered from Twilight like she was a goddess... Oh jeez, alright Timber spelled it coward and the ponies cowered from Twilight? Most of the time they barely acknowledge that she is royalty.

Look, you probably put quite a bit of work into this and my words may sting and evoke negative emotions from you but you need an editor to look over this one badly and need to slow down. Explain a bit. It would be nice to get some background on Timber as a character before he is whisked off and make some of the scenes less rushed. The scene where he meets the first pony and she dies could have had a bit of emotion while the dying messenger experiences her last moments and Timber is her only company, she even said she had about 5-10 minutes left before dying just after Timber turns his back for a moment. There's over-explaining it where the author writes down everything in incredible detail like the story took a shot of heroine, and there's under-explaining where the story zooms along with minimal detail like it took a line of cocaine. This is under-explained. Just try to take my advice to heart and fix this story, although if your half as sensitive as some of the other writers I'v met on here you might just delete this comment before even reaching this end part.

reader8363