As I walked around Ponyville, I saw what he wanted me to do, it’s too peaceful. When Discord was running it, it was interesting. Anyway, I need to visit Twilight for a moment, to see if she can show me to Zecora’s place. Then I bumped into a pony. I said, to myself, “this is the second time, I should really watch where I’m going.” I looked up to see Twilight on the ground in front of me.
I said, as I got up, “We really got to stop meeting like this Twilight, don’t know if it’s good for our bodies.”
Twilight got up and said, “Eric, it’s nice to see you again.”
I said, “It’s nice to see you again, Can you show me to Zecora’s place, or, if you’re busy, know someone who can?”
Twilight said, as she smiled, “Sure I can, I’m not that busy.”
I said, while hiding my surprise, “Okay, do you need to get something or could we go right now?”
Twilight said, as she turned, “We can go right now. You know, I need to go there anyway.”
I said, “Sure.”
I followed Twilight into the woods, with a thought going through my head, why is Twilight heading to Zecora. A few minutes into the forest, I said, “just out of curiosity, why are you going to see Zecora?”
She turned around and said, “Luna and I were talking, then she said, she felt a weird presence dreaming, then she disappeared, didn’t show up at all, so I’m going to Zecora’s to see if she know what the presence is.”
I swore, under my breath, I was didn’t ask if anypony was on the verge of knowing. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked up and Twilight pointed at a house and said, “That’s where Zecora lives.”
I turned to her and said, “Thanks. You should go first. I’m just asking for a plant’s location.” Twilight nodded and walked in. I walked to a tree and sat down, Then I heard Discord say, “What are you doing with Twilight, are you going to control her?”
I said, as quiet as I could, “Quiet, I will but not right now. I’m going to get Zecora to help out.” Then I saw the door opening. I hissed, at Discord, “Hide.” Then I stood up, then walked to Twilight and said, “Did ya find out what the presence is/was.”
She shook her head no and said, “Zecora doesn’t know. Guess I will try Luna again tonight.” Then walked away.
I said, “Discord, watch for anypony, I don’t want my cover to be blown.”
Discord popped by me, with binoculars, and said, “Now, I’m a watcher.”
I said, as I used the binoculars to pull him closer, “I don’t want to be caught, and you don’t want to be either.” Then I walked into Zecora’s place, and said, “Zecora, could you help me with some stuff?”
Zecora said, once she saw me, “I see that you are new, what can I do for you?”
I said, as I walked closer to her, “First could you look into my eyes.”
Zecora said, as she looked into my eyes, “You need to work on your charm, but I don’t see any harm. Then her eyes glazed and unfocused.”
I said, as I walked around, “Do you know what the presence was?
She said, in a monotone voice, “No.”
I said, as I sat down, “You will obey all my commands, without hesitation. When I say awake, you will go back to normal, but you will obey me. When I say Sleep, you will return to this mindless state. Once you go outside this base, you will return to normal, but still obey me. You will live with me, until I say so. Do you understand?”
She said in a monotone voice, “Yes.”
I said, as I opened the door, “Awaken.”
Zecora shook her head, then said, “I know what I must do, how can I help you?”
I said, “I need powder that relaxes the pony, so you can do whatever you want without them getting mad, powder that makes the pony drowsy, powder or potion that makes them trust me easier, and a potion that inhibits any magic. Do you know where Vinyl’s house is?”
Zecora said, with a nod, “Yes I do, is that where you want me to meet you.”
I said, as I walked out the door, “Yes, and make sure you’re not followed, but don’t act suspicious.”
I was walking through the forest, when Discord popped beside me and said, “So, I’m guessing it went successful. How many is that?”
I said, as we left the forest, “Five. Now if you excuse me, I need to pick up my cloak from Rarity.” I walked to the Carousel Boutique, when I entered, I called for Rarity.
Rarity came up and said, “I take it you’re here for your cloak” I nodded, then she went to grab it, when she came back, she told me the price, and the weirdest thing happened, a paw reached over me and placed the bits down.
I turned around to see Discord right behind me, smiling, I grabbed my cloak and placed it on as I left the building. I pulled Discord into an alley, and said, “What are you doing, do you want to get yourself caught, cause I can tell them that you are helping a pony that has taken control of an unicorn, an earth pony, a pegasus, a zebra, and an alicorn.”
Discord said, as relaxed between my eyes, “If you do that, won’t you get into trouble. I mean, you know about it, won’t they suspect you for knowing about it, and not doing anything about it.”
I said, as I shook him off my nose, “You got a point there, why did you buy my cloak?”
He said, as he grew to his normal size, “You are still going to repay me. I just didn’t want you to take long, to pay for your cloak.”
I sighed and said, “Why were you in the Carousel Boutique, you don’t wear clothes.”
Discord changed into a tuxedo, then said, “I do wear clothes.”
I look at him and said, “Really, you make clothes appear on you, you don’t wear actual clothes, the ones somepony makes, so why are you really here.”
He change back and said, “Zecora is on her way with the stuff. “
I waked to the base, opened the door, and looked at vinyl, who was still playing with her dj equipment. I walked up to Vinyl , turned down the volume, then said, “Sleep.” Vinyl placed her hooves down and stared straight. I said, as I removed her glasses, “for the rest of the day you’ll not care that your glasses aren’t on your head. Awake.”
Vinyl shook her head and said, “Master, how did it go?”
I said, “It went according to plan. Now, get ready, Zecora’s almost here.” As soon as I said that, there was a knock at the door. I sighed and opened the door, there stood in the doorway was Zecora, with a bag.
She said, once I opened the door, “I got your herbs and brew, what do you want me to do?”
I said, as levitated the bag off her back, “Go upstairs, and sleep for a bit.” I head to the kitchen to put away the potions and herbs.
“Go upstair, and asleep for a bit.”
“Go upstairS, and SLEEP for a bit.”
~T.CC
I agree with other's assessment. It's an interesting fic concept, but it doesn't really stand out in any way. The plot feels like an excuse for the hypno action, and the character feels like a bland Everyman who really could be a natural born pony.
6452204 I never written a hypno/mind control book before, so I don't actually know how to make it better, any suggestions
6452253
I find Mind Controllers are goal-oriented in most cases, be it a plot or simply trying to get some. They're usually quite clever and capable of planning out their moves (And your character does seem to be avoiding a lot of Evil Overlord tropes, which is nice.) It's always a nice bonus when they're cultured and seductive.
As for the mind control bit, I use a simple equation to get a rough idea of how much effort is needed on that front. Generally, the stronger the target and the more will they have, the more the hypnotist has to work. Also, if the command goes against morals or personality, it's much easier for the target to resist.
As for the characters and writing in general. It seems to be a series of quips and quotes. Instead of the characters reacting to what happens in the story, the story is being written to draw out the actions and reactions you want. It doesn't feel natural.
6452322 hm, I'll try it for the next chapter
6452326
You do seem to be addressing the issue somewhat with those potions he's seeking out, which is a very good start.