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Twilight's tea was lukewarm, and this made Twilight uncomfortable. Why was it neither hot nor cold? She liked tea better when it was one or the other. She looked at the filly who had served it to her, a filly named Applebloom. "Now you must die," she said plainly.
"No please don't kill me, I swear I'll make better tea next time!"
But it was too late. Twilight Sparkle stabbed Apple Bloom in the throat with her horn. As the gurgling pony died, Twilight explained. "It is not because of the tea. That is understandable, and forgivable. It is because of the candy. You are made of candy, and I can't let that continue.
Twilight was right. Mars Bars and Twizzlers and Laffy Taffies were falling out of the hole in Apple Bloom's neck. When Twilight pulled her horn out and the filly slumped over, her head cracked out on the hard crystal floor of The Library, with Dots and Skittles pouring out where her brain should have been. It appeared that Twilight was right, she really was made of Candy.
The Sparkle residence was very popular with trick-or-treaters that Nightmare Night.
The next day, there was a funeral that Twilight Sparkle was socially obligated to attend. Applejack wasn't mad at Twilight; she had long suspected the same thing.
There was tea at the funeral. It wasn't very good. Too salty. Twilight wasn't sure why, but she suspected it was brewed from the tears of the migrant farm workers Applejack whipped at night. Applejack was funny that way, abusing ponies at the bottom of both the social and financial ladder. It got Twilight to chuckle.
"Applejack, your tea may suck, but you sure do know how to plan a funeral!"
"Well thanks, Sugarcube!" the farm mare replied. Applejack called everypony sugarcube a lot because she often forgot other pony's names. This was because she has brain damage. When she was a little filly, somepony drew a hole in her skull to make sure there was no candy inside.
A few months later, as Twilight sparkle sat as a human in the Canterlot High School, she wondered about thimbles, a human invention she had seen when she accidentally walked into the sewing club meeting at lunch. Human Rarity unsurprisingly ran it. Rarity used magic to sew, but what about earth ponies like Coco Pommel? Did they have hoof-sized thimbles? but then how would they hold the needles in their magic pony hoof grip? She would have to ask Coco Pommel about it. At least seamstresses weren't usually filled with candy. That was nice. But if there ever was a riot against seamstresses, she would gladly fill Rarity with needles, and then she would spurt blood out like a colorful pony fountain, until she died a few seconds later. Twilight secretly hoped to incite that riot one day, though she still needed to work out who would replace Rarity in her circle of friends. Maybe Starlight Glimmer. She had the same vim and verve as Rarity. Right now though, Twilight needed to get her crown back from Sunset Shimmer so bad stuff wouldn't happen like root canals or ants. If you eat too much candy, you might leave candy lying around your house, and then you will have ants. And if you eat too much candy, then you may have to get a root canal, and that would hurt a lot. So don't go to the dentist if you eat too much candy. Just let your teeth fall out.
Twilight Sparkle didn't like being a time traveler. You knew how everypony was going to die, but social etiquette prevented you from playing the Lottery and instead you had to eck out a living as a crappy fortune teller. But it did have its perks. Twilight knew in a year or two Tirek was going to come back from Tartarus and destroy her tree library, so she burned it down instead and built a crystal castle and called it "The Library". That way, Tirek wouldn't get the satisfaction of burning down her beloved home, as Crystals don't burn very well. Candy does though.
The next month, Twilight Sparkle taught a guest lecture at the Canterlot School for Gifted Ponies. After a couple lawsuits, it no longer just admitted unicorns, because that's racist.
"So in conclusion, as you see, looking back through several hundred years of data drawn from the Royal Astronomical Society and the Royal Physician, sunspot appearance has a strong correlation to how fat Princess Celestia is. When she gets fat, she is more lazy and sometimes misses a spot when she colors in the sun. This happens more and more until about every twelve years, her doctor makes her go on a diet, and the sunspots disappear. Thank you."
Amidst the applause, Twilight wondered if if she sharpened the end of the pointer she was using, it would work as a giant sewing needle. She never got the chance to find out though. She pricked herself in the side of her barrel to see if it would draw blood. Instead, a few Nerds and Jolly Ranchers spilled out. She gasped. It was time.
Twilight Sparkle sawed off her wings with a hacksaw, then ate the jelly filling inside them. It was yummy, but she let some spill and sure enough the next day her crystal castle which she called the Library was full of ants. That didn't really matter much though, because after she did that, she teleported herself to the highest spire of Canterlot castle, wrapped her horn in electrical tape, and jumped off.
Her final thought before smashing into the ground was that at least she wouldn't have to drink any bad tea anymore. In fact, she smiled, knowing that the citizens of Canterlot could use her insides as sweetener. Then her insides painted themselves all over a busy market street.
She should have worn a body thimble.
I Want Candy
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For you young'uns in the crowd:
6381845 And for the really young'uns in the crowd:
Before reading the story: I just lol' so hard at this description. Looks interesting enough.
After reading the story: Luna's teats, dude, that's some dark shit. Some random, dark shit. Twilight was made of candy? And she was suicidal? Not sure if I should lol again or go cry in a corner. Still great job, though there were some minor grammar issues.
Best line in the story.
Also, I have a strange and morbidly terrifying desire for candy, now. What have you done to my life, author?
This was the weirdest thing I have read in a while. I'm following you so I don't miss out on more stuff that's similar to it.
6382156
6382162 it seems I accomplished my goal of writing something deeply and darkly weird.
What dosages of what drugs were involved in writing this? I ask purely out of scientific interest.
6382446 I'm currently taking an experimental ADHD drug for a medical study trial, but I either am getting the placebo or it just doesn't work for me because I am just as distracted and lazy as I normally am off medication. I have been writing a lot of random comedies lately because they are the only things I can focus on enough to finish right now. I would withdraw from the study and go back to my regular medication that actually works, but I'm too poor to turn down $95 dollars every two weeks for 2-4 hours of my time.
Finally someone with the balls to call Applebloom's bluff. She got what she deserved.
I thought I was done being surprised after every line of dialog. I was surprised all the way to the end.
Masterful.
I imagined the story done in this style, with this voice narrating it.
6396087 not gonna watch that on 5 hours over the last two days of sleep right now
6396087 oh hey so I ended up watching that with my friends while on Molly except Molly doesn't effect me very much.
I mean this kindly when I say I think you should stick to your own style of writing. This doesn't suit you. :C And if I hadn't just read all of Fiddlebottoms's work, I might have liked this more. Not to say parts of it didn't work, but more didn't than did. Just, fair warning before the review. :/
7260587 I didn't write this with the bottoms in mind at all, I just noticed an after-the-fact similarity. But the truth is this is my style. This is what I'm capable of writing when I'm not on medication when I am on ADHD medication I can actually get writing that doesn't suck done but I end up masturbating Musta time instead because maybe it's the medication makes me horny and makes it easier for me to focus on whatever I choose to focus on so I end up choosing to focus on masturbation for hours at a time. There was a half year it easier for me to focus on whatever I choose to focus on so I end up choosing to focus on masturbation for hours at a time. There was a half year Bryce doing an ADHD medication study and I was on the plus Seabo and all my stores for shit. Now that I have medication again my stories are slightly less shit but most times I say I'm going to write I don't end up writing. This is why I failed college. This is why I'm a fat loser is a 24-year-old Virgin this is why I work odd jobs for most the time can't even get myself to work them and this is why am always late to everything. Because I have no fucking work ethic or will or drive or whatever. So yeah, I hate writing but I like the results of writing but often this crap is the most I can get myself to do because it will cause the least amount of effort. Writing a good story that doesn't suck requires more effort than I usually can muster.
7260587 and yes I am better at myself. Because I just got through another night of almost no sleep, no riding, a little bit of music composing, but mostly five or six hours of masturbating. I'm sure that did me a whole Lotta good. I waste so fucking much time playing with my dick time, that I will never get back as he Marshawn towards the ceaseless path of a ternal oblivion. I have good fucking stories I want to write, stories that people actually enjoy and be good and make me feel good about writing but I can't fucking focus on them because every time I want to fucking focus on them off my medication I just feel like shit like I'm on weed or something but I don't smoke weed and when I have edibles they make me feel like not doing anything so I pretty much never eat edibles and when I'm on my ADHD pills I feel like writing but I don't end up riding I just masturbate like I did last night so yeah I'm really frustrated with myself and I'm driving to band practice right Now I'm using my phone talk to text feature so don't worry I'm not quite as unhinged yes I sound although I'm starting to sound like I did back when I was failing university but back then I off of reading a lot more we give media. Anyway you probably don't want my whole fucking sad sad life story but suffice it to say there are good stores I want to write but often the soda shit is the only thing I feel like I can write.
7260626
Well, this is at least onto something, just didn't make it all the way there.
7260630
Why do you think I write crap like what I just published? It's a lot easier to be wacky and random than it is to knuckle down and peel away the layers of life. Don't get too down on yourself, you're not alone. :B
...
Well, that was a fun descent into...madness I guess. Personally, I like to believe Twilight had a bad trip rather than all of this happening, so that's what I'm going with
7393533 nice coda :)
what is this
7498576 Candy
7499326
Now, now, remembered what we talked about?
Often nice people in dirty unmarked vans will give you free rock candy!
Other times it is crystal meth!
Make sure you learn the differences, lol it could mean your life
7500074
Also where did u acquire such a fabulous cover photo
7500077 I think I searched Derpibooru for "Twilight, wat" and then ranked them by score and it was near the top.
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