When Rainbow Dash finds Scootaloo in a broken, bleeding, half-dead mess in a field, she rushes her to a hospital, and not only does she get thrown into the middle of a foal murder investigation, she also finds herself in several roles she never expected.
Page generated in 0.135 seconds
Total duration
1,051 users online
2,059,166 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, everything was all nice and double-spaced until I published it. Still, enjoy.
Four hours to stop the bleeding? Four hours? Scootaloo would be dead if she bled for over four hours.
657145 Should have been more specfic as far as the whole operation goes.
That's my bad, I wanted to make it seem like the operation took four hours.
657194
Right then, but this whole story is just absolutely ridiculous. The potential is there. It's so great, but it's just gone to waste due to poor execution. I can't get over the fact of how strict Celestia was to those guards. I mean, that's definitely not in character for her.
I was really excited for some reason when I read the description, but when I read the actual story, it failed to deliver a satisfying story. I believe the first thing you need to work on is sorting out your plot because it was difficult to understand the situation at certain points. I also believe there was an unnecessary amount of gore and vomiting. Dark stories aren't all about gore and vomiting you know. The story should also be tagged with "Gore" because of these scenes.
I'll admit, I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I have skimmed through it and closely read several sections. And I gotta say, I like what I see thus far.
However, a word of advice? You need to break your paragraphs up more. Every time you chance speakers, it begins a new paragraph. So rather than having Rainbow and Spitfire talk back and forth in one huge paragraph, it should be broken up into several smaller paragraphs, breaking every time it switches speakers. Its grammatically correct, and it makes it easier for the reader to read and digest.
Other than that, no other serious issues caught my eye. Just make a few tweaks, and you should have a pretty good fic on your hooves.
657211 Um, there really isn't a whole lot of gore and vomiting. I mean, there's no vomiting, and as far as gore goes, maybe it's just the fact that I've already read every gore-fic in this fandom, but as far as what gore there is, it's actually quite tame. Still, I do admit that this first chapter does feel very convoluted and a bit confusing, but I promise the second and third halves will get better.
And as far as the strictness goes, that was Luna, not Celestia, and she was half being serious, half trolling. That aside, I do plan on having the story better fleshed out in future chapters. I often forget that, while a story makes sense to me, it may not make sense to anyone else.
657211 Actually, it was Luna being harsh on the guards, and that would be kinda in character for her.
And I respectfully disagree with your judgement on the content of this story. A few bloody gashes and some brutal pictures only mentioned once does not warrant a "gore" tag, IMO. Vomiting off-screen doesn't really counter, either. Granted, that's just my perspective on the matter. "Your Mileage May Vary."
@Juria: Oh, forgot to mention, from what I've read, your characterizations seem spot-on, especially the dialogue with Rarity & Applejack and their sisters.
Well, it is a good idea, but like jd896 said, the execution is a little lacking. I think if you put a bit more explanation into things, it would go over better. Also separate dialog from the rest of the story. Like so:
Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner, the smell of freshly baked goods hitting her nose. She saw pinkie pulling a tray of cupcakes out of the oven. she walked up to the counter and took a long smell of the delicious looking treats.
"wow Pinkie, these smell amazing," Twilight said with a smile.
"Don't they? It's my own special recipe."
Just figured I would provide a bit of constructive criticism. hope this helps!
657145They can be giving her blood during the operating time to sustain her.
I really like this story, but I definitely agree about the need to paragraph before dialogue though. That small change makes stories 100% easier and more enjoyable to read, plus it stays away from the wall. Dun Dun Dun Dunnn
Format your chapters, reading it had me crossing my eyes about a third of the way through.
if you can take some constructive critisim, here's some: try using more spaces. don't have it all jumbled into paragraphs.
657247
Scootaloo vomited in a trash can after waking up and Rainbow Dash vomited after seeing Spitfire's photos unless I read something completely different.
Fuck, I can't even get the princesses straight. Great.
657275
Right, the author informed me. I kinda stopped paying attention after that little "NINE MONTHS WITHOUT PAY" bit.
657443
It was implied in the story that she was bleeding out for four hours. It wasn't really explained that she was being operated on, but that's somewhat my fault for not adding two and two together.
This is an interesting fic concept- but I can't read it due to bad formatting!!!
Remember, EVERY time a new person (pony) talks, it gets a new paragraph! Every new idea gets a paragraph!
Oh, and "........." is not needed. A total of three periods together (...) or (. . .) is the standard. And the scene brakes, with the exception of ones explaining time, are totally unnecessary. If you are writing a scene change, a simple double space will do.
662660 Oh, ok, I'll have to remember that part about just using three dots. That aside, the majority of the formatting was good, until I posted it here. I must learn to format it better, I'm making amature mistakes again.
663270
I've had some trouble in the past with transferring my chapters from Microsoft Word over onto here, normally it was just double spacing was taken out and alignment issues. I just got fed up with having to go back through and fix everything so I just started actually writing the chapters on here.
667805 Hmm, I might have to give that a try, then I'll just copy it back to Word so my story remains updated.
669318
Sounds good
Sir, don't listen to these hooligans. I found you story quite enjoyable. What surprised me the most was the lack of grammatical errors.
Keep up the good work and I can't wait till the next chapter.
Sorry I'm just now getting around to reading this. Pretty good over all, It looks to me like you got each personality just right, especially AJ's, unable to tell a convincing lie at all, and Luna as well. Anyway, looking forward to more.
677931 Oh well, better late than never. XD Thanks.
679219
No problem
669610 :D Thanks.
I read this a couple days ago and completely forgot to leave a comment... Oops!
Anyway, I am enjoying the story very much. The formatting can be confusing for the readers.. But you've already gotten enough comments about that, so I won't press it further.
We all make mistakes with writing. And practice will continue to improve your writing ability.
You'll learn how to improve your writing... I know I did through my years of writing fanfiction.
Don't let any harsh criticisms get to you! You've got a good thing going here. If you need a proof reader, I'd be willing to lend a hand to help out.
I eagerly await the next chapter!
686785 Thank you so much for your kind words. If I find myself in need of a proof reader, I will keep you in mind.
Very interesting story, can't wait for more!
692315 Thanks. :D
love it! keep up the good work! (I hope you are still writing the next part?)
love it!
777693 Yes, I'm still writing the next part, however RL issues keep getting in the way.
779800
dont matter
good luck IRL and I'll wait patiently
Is it just me or does everyone in this fandom get too hung up on grammar? This is the second story I've read where someone said that the grammar/ formatting was so bad they couldn't read it. I mean seriously! Remember in first grade when we could easily read the worst formatted/ gramarical crap in the world, but now we get hung up on something a small as not begging a new paragraph when someone new speaks?! I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
815137 Well, before you go, care to give your thoughts on the fic itself? XD Seriously, While I can see your point, I can see the point of everybrony else as well.
>> Juria Personially I find it pretty interisting. I'm always one for a good mystery-type story. Especially when it's on the darker side and not just "He got shot. WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?! *Insert crappy love story between two investigators* No! *One love story person dies* *Murder dies* THE END!" So if you would, don't do that.
Needs... more... chapters!
1195036 I know it does! Right now, I've got at least one brony proofreading the second short chapter, which I'll re-publish as soon as he gets through proofreading it, and if Derpy Fan 4eva still wants to proofread it as well, I'll have two proofreaders reading said chapter making sure it's all nice and neat before I publish it.
Am I wrong in presuming that Cherry Blossom may have something to do with Scoot's current condition? To be honest, I thought that it was originally a group of pegasi that were doing it, assuming that none of the children knew how to fly, as a way of 'purifying' their race.
And that, filles and gentlecolts, is how best to deal with petty bureaucrats!
1269429
I believe you,
i mean who slaps a restraining order on you decreeing you stay away from the person you just saved
For starters, I wish that my notifications would tell me when somepony comments on my story!
That said, thank you all! 
1268531 Hmm, maybe..
And as far as that whole pegasai group thing goes, nope, but good try, 
1269144
1269429 Maybe she is, maybe she isn't.
It could just be because she's a total flank-flustered uptight mule. 
I'll never tell.
1273497 A flank-flustered uptight mule? Or a total flankhole.
1274723
or maybe she doesn't know Rainbow Dash saved scootaloo
or maybe she thinks Rainbow Dash did it
Bitch! BANISH HER TO THE MOON! for over 9000 years!
1276410
Sounds like a plan, a sort of extremist plan, but a plan all the same. XD
1338773
it was just a theory okay i mean i was talking about what cherry blossom might have bean thinking i mean for all we know she could be thinking dash is lying and did it that is just a theory i mean cherry blossom doesn't know who Rainbow Dash is
1338773
also why did you put
did you mean "you think she"?
1339429
yeah but still it was just a theory that cherry blossom might suspect Rainbow Dash i mean, they barely know each other
1339903
yeah that is a logical theory, but i felt like it's best to explore all theories so but yeah
Hey everypony. I was looking through the stats and other junk when it comes to this fanfic, and I was just curious, why are there so many faves, but so few comments? Come on, throw me some comments here.
I shall comment just for the sake of commenting
Great story can't wait to see how this turns out
HAITUS??? I SHALL DESTROY YOU!!!!